The Enthralling Escapades of Bella Swan
by Who needs coordination anyways
Summary: Bella wants to make up on lost time when the Cullen's return to Forks. These encounters give her a crash course in living with her favorite unbalanced vampire family. The frock coats and 'mattress so plush you'll turn to mush' are just perks along the way
1. The Bathroom of Awe Inducing Proportions

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Twilight or any of it's characters. Most people are quite aware of this, but could you imagine if I did...

So I'll keep this short, hope you like my story, I have a chronic updating issue that I am working on and I apologize for the severe tangents of no point whatsoever. Enjoy!

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**The Bathroom of Awe Inducing Proportions **

I force myself to look away from the clock. I know full well that the more you stare at the time the more it seems like it's purposely slowing down on you. Not that it could seem any slower.

I've been up since six o'clock on this particular Saturday morning. On my own free will too. Really it's all Edward's fault; I've found out since he's come back I can't sleep without him holding me.

It was just minutes after he left to go hunting that I was tossing and turning violently. Finally I decided to try and do something logical.Unfortunately I found out the hard way that while Edward's skin may be as cold as ice, trying to sleep with ice on me was just not the same.

When I woke up for real I decided to call the Cullen's and see who wasn't hunting today. Of course, right as I had picked up the phone, Charlie foiled my plans.

As seeing it was six o'clock on a Saturday morning he informed me the Cullen's were probably still asleep. He then helpfully suggested that I call at a more reasonable hour such as ten o'clock.

Yes, of course, the Cullen's were asleep.

All I could do was nod in agreement moodily and from that point on, the insanity took over. I'm not kidding either; I think I've been possessed for the last two hours and forty five minutes. I cleaned, everything, and I mean everything not once or twice but three times.

I cleaned with a _feather duster._

Charlie realized I was going crazy eventually. I don't know what gave it away; possibly it was me dusting the television with a feather duster while he was trying to watch said television. What I think really did it though was when he walked into the kitchen.

I had all my math homework spread around me on the table and I was working on it, voluntarily. Charlie had dropped his plate and gawked at me. Then after reassessing the situation he told me I could call at nine o'clock.

I've got the phone next to me. I can call in fifteen minutes now.

I hope that all of them didn't leave. I really don't mind who is home, I get along well with them all now. Jasper and Rosalie were the only two that I was kind of awkward with anyways.

But all of the time I've spent around the Cullen house has helped Jasper a lot; he can be around me with only slight difficulty now. He's even taken to kissing me on the cheek every time he sees me.

I swear the first time he did it; I thought Edward was going to have a coronary, well if that's possible while not having a heart.

My time with Rosalie at first was really uncomfortable; neither of us was quite sure how to act. It was finally when someone brought up the debate of cookie monster's ability to see through his crazy googly eyes that we bonded.

I've got the phone in my hand and the number already dialed. Boring my eyes into the clock I attempt to make it move, only five more minutes. Come on clock, five minutes, just move! Forcing my eyes closed I take a few deep breaths and try to relax. When I open them again I read the time, nine o'clock.

I let out a high pitched squeal and push talk. The phone starts to ring, and I silently beg for someone to please pick up.

"Hello?" A gorgeous flowing voice meets my ears and I leap out of my chair in glee.

"Rosalie!" I jump around a couple of times before sitting back down.

To my surprise she squeals back just as excitedly "Bella! Finally, I swear this apparent sleep necessity that you have going on gets old pretty quick. I wanted to call earlier but Carlisle told me it was too early."

I snort, "Tell me about it. Charlie said the same thing to me but at least I could possibly be sleeping."

She laughs melodically, "So are you free today?"

I pretend to think for minute, "Well, I could clean the house for a fourth time today, I'm sure it's perfectly normal for the countertop to have those gouges in them from the scrubbing brush."

Rosalie's laughter increases at that, "So sorry to pull you away from that but I was wondering if you could help me out."

Frowning I wait for her to continue. What could Rosalie possibly need my help for? She, like Edward and the rest of the Cullen's seem to be unbelievably talented at everything. "Well there's a bake sale up at the hospital and I was wondering if you wanted to help me make some er...baked sale items for it."

Ah, of course, cooking. How could I forget the one thing that manages to frustrate all those silly vampires?

Well, except Esme and of recently Edward. I'm still bitter about Edward's new found cooking skills that clearly exceed my own. Now the only ability that I can hold over him is my being able to be so uncoordinated that I can trip while going up the stairs.

That's something I'm positive he will never be able to achieve.

"Sure Rose, I'd love to help. When can you pick me up?"

Right after I utter those words I wish I could take them back. It seems that whenever I ask that question it's a challenge to see how fast someone can drive to my house.

Suddenly I realize the phone line is dead, she's already on her way.

I get up and go to sit on the couch by Charlie. "Hey Dad, I'm going to the Cullen's for the day. Rosalie is picking me up and we're going to make some stuff for the bake sale up at the hospital."

Charlie looks at me relieved to see that I am no where near the vicinity of a feather duster or learning materials of the mathematical sort. "Ok Bells, have fun."

An abrupt knock on the door makes me jump up grabbing my jacket from the kitchen chair as I go. "Bye Dad! See you later!"

I hear him shout back, "Bye Bella!" as I pull the door open to see Rosalie grinning at me widely. I grin back and close the door, pulling my jacket on as we walk to her car.

I slide in and put my seatbelt on; her eyes are sparkling as she starts the engine. "Onto the local everyday grocery store!"

By the time it takes me to blink we're already at the store.

I sigh in slight exasperation muttering under my breath about the speed limit and vampire thrill seekers while unbuckling the seat belt I had put on not even two minutes ago.

Rosalie hears my muttering and just smirks and links arms with me. "So Bella, what do you want to make? I'm not quite sure how this whole thing works exactly."

We enter the store and the bright artificial light blinds us welcomingly. "Well I was thinking cupcakes and rice krispy treats. They're pretty straightforward and easy to make. You won't have a hard time learning how to."

She seems relieved, "Good. Emmett has been mocking me about my inability to even make toast so I'm hoping I can prove him wrong."

I get a cart and grab a few packets of cupcake holders as we pass them. We continue on with Rose staring at everything in amazement. It's as if she's expecting to have to use the cart to run over everything before we use it to make sure it's actually not alive.

However amusing that parallel would be to the way she normally eats I would have to say no for that one. I don't think the eggs would fare to well.

Once we get to the cupcake mixes I narrow it down to chocolate and funfetti and hold the two up to Rose. She silently points to the funfetti and I drop it into the cart.

After a minute I decide we might need some extra ingredients, just in case, and drop an extra one in. "Ok so we still need milk, oil, eggs, butter, Rice Krispies and marshmallows." I'm met with a blank stare.

I shake my head, "Nevermind." I turn down another aisle and grab an excess of the milk, eggs, butter and oil. I decide to send Rose off to find the marshmallows. "They say marshmallows right on the bag. They're white and puffy looking and they're kind of shaped like a growth stunted cylinder."

She mock salutes me and trails off to find them. I drop the Rice Krispies in the cart when I hear a loud "AHA!" a couple aisles down.

As I begin to amble in that direction I happen to see Lauren and that girl whose name I never remember. I am positive I've managed to wound her in gym though; actually it's happened multiple times. The most recent was during the beginning of our golf unit.

When I swung the club back it slipped through my fingers and flew behind me to hit her in the jaw. Oddly enough she wasn't too thrilled about the situation.

Well, I think I'll just refer to her as Gladys, she seems like a Gladys to me.

I try to back up as slowly as I can without them noticing me. I can be stealthy. I can make a hasty exit, I can do this.

Sadly my cart doesn't seem to be thinking along the same lines as me, it lets out a painful squelching noise causing Lauren and Gladys to look up at me.

I wince inwardly and pretend that I hadn't been just trying to avoid them. "Oh, hi guys."

Lauren gives me a barely concealed dirty look, "Bella! How're you?"

I shrug, "Fine and you?"

She condescendingly responds, "Great actually. We're just getting some stuff for the bake sale today. I'm a great baker; the hospital always really appreciates my help."

I look around uncertainly, ok what am I supposed to say to that? Congratulations?

Thankfully Rose appears at my side out of nowhere. "Sorry to interrupt but Bella, this is a matter of utmost urgency."

She holds up two brands of marshmallows; personally I'm proud she managed to find any at all. "Do we get regular or jet puffed?"

I gaze at her wide eyed, "There is no competition between the two. Obviously jet puffed."

She drops the jet puff bags into the cart along with the rest of our purchases and then turns to Lauren and Gladys. They're both staring at her in awe. I don't suppose they've ever been this close to her or have heard her speak before.

Finally Lauren takes in the contents of our cart and realizes we're making baked goods as well. "So you guys are making stuff for the bake sale too?"

Rose smiles devilishly at me but says in a disarming voice, "Yes, we are. My father said that it would be a big help if we made something actually edible unlike the products they normally get every year."

If I was completely unattached from this situation and just so happened to be narrating I would say 'commence with outraged pause'. "Well, we should be going. Perhaps we'll see you later, have fun with your baking."

Leaving Lauren and Gladys gaping in indignation we hurriedly get in the check out line and laugh at the expressions on their faces. I put our items on the mini conveyer belt as Rose swiftly steps around me and passes the employee, an awkward teenage boy, a fifty. "Paper, and keep the change."

Shooting him an astonishing smile she nearly makes the boy have a panic attack. While Edward may not be fully aware of his effect on people Rose most definitely is.

As she swoops up the bag and we leave I shoot her a glare, "I could have paid for that you know. I do have a job."

She rolls her eyes, "Bella, you're doing me a favor; I'm not going to make you pay for the goods."

We both start to chuckle at the use of the word goods. "I feel like I'm engaging in an illegal drug exchange."

She winks at me, "No, it's something much worse. You're teaching me how to cook."

I clamber back into the car and we arrive at the Cullen's in an impossibly short amount of time, no real surprise there. I can't help but be stunned by how beautiful their house is every time I see it.

We go inside and I set everything down on the kitchen counter. Rose and I gaze at each other apprehensively. "So, you ready?"

She shrugs nervously, "I guess so."

I grin, "Don't worry; it's really not that hard. Let's start with the cupcakes." I pull my hair back into a pony tail to get it out of the way. "You might want to put your hair up, just so you don't get any in the food."

She nods and sweeps her hair up as well, yet when she does it looks like a scene out of a shampoo commercial. I start opening and closing the cabinets figuring out where all the bowls and utensils are.

I go to the sink and motion for Rose to come wash her hands as well. We do so in complete silence and then I get out a mixing bowl, cupcake baking trays, a few measuring cups and to my slight horror the mix master.

I was hoping they didn't have one, but since they do I suppose I should use it. I really do hate mix masters.

Rose sees my expression and looks at the mix master in confusion, "What? Is there something wrong with that thing?"

I shake my head, "No it's not that it's just I don't really like using mix masters. They creep me out."

She picks it up and inspects it from different angles but gives up after finding nothing wrong with it. At the moment that is. When I put those blades in and start the thing is when my problem with the device starts.

I open the cupcake mix and pull the little pre-ripped line and dump the mix into the bowl. Rosalie watches in fascination and I grin, "Ok, come here, I'll teach you how to crack an egg."

She comes and stands next to me as I gently hand her an egg. "Alright, you have to be careful with these because they are extremely fragile. Even more than me and I know how hard it is to be careful with me."

She holds the egg warily and waits for the rest of my instructions. "I find the easiest way to crack an egg is to tap on the edge of a counter."

I demonstrate the way to hold the egg and the how to tap it on the counter. "Then you pull the two halves that you've got from hitting it on the counter and let the white and the yolk fall into the bowl. Try not to let the egg shell get in with it."

I go through the directions one more time and then actually crack an egg for her so she can see what it looks like put in action.

Following my motions exactly she cracks an egg perfectly. I shriek excitedly and throw my arms around her, "I'm so proud of you!" She hugs me back beaming insanely.

Rose then gives me a bow, "It's all thanks to you. Isabella Marie Swan, egg cracker extraordinaire."

We both start snickering and then get back to cooking. After a long and very explanatory experience we finally get to the point where we need to use the mix master.

I cringe the whole time as I put the blades in and start the mixing. Rose watches in mesmerized horror as the humming increases and starts shaking so hard that I nearly drop it. "I will admit I thought you were crazy at first, but that thing is creepy."

I nod in agreement but don't dare to take my eyes off of the mixer. After I have achieved a smooth, blended batter I grab the cupcake holders and the trays. "Alright so put the little holders in the trays and then we fill them up three fourths of the way."

With the slight help of Rose's superhuman speed the cupcakes are all ready and put in the oven before I can even stop the mix master. I sigh once again and then we both turn to the oven, staring as the batter begins to bubble up.

After a few riveting minutes of that Rose turns to me "What happens next?"

I shrug, "We wait. The batter has to cook."

She looks back at the batter and begins to whine, "But it's so slow! Can't we bump up the heat just a little?"

"No. That never works. It will just lead to a lot of problems, don't even think about it." I'm ready to stand guard in front of the oven to protect it from Rose's impatient wrath.

That's when a sudden urge in my lower abdomen acts up. Uh-oh, I have to go to the bathroom.

Why of all times do I have to go right now? I couldn't go at some point when Rose didn't have a chance of burning down the kitchen?

Of course not, who am I kidding. I start fidgeting and then give up, my bladder is abnormally small. Fine, I'll just go to the bathroom.

Stupid human weakness.

"Rose, I have to go the bathroom. I'll be right back and don't touch the oven, at all. Don't even look at it until I get back."

She widens her eyes at me innocently and convincingly repeats, "I won't touch the oven, at all."

I glare at her suspiciously as I make my way to the bathroom stopping suddenly and turning around at random times to see if she's done anything. Every time all I'm met with is Rose smiling harmlessly with her hands clasped in front of her.

Finally she rolls her eyes at me, "Relax Bella, just go to the bathroom."

As I start to close the door I leave a little portion open to watch and see her staring at me in amusement. "You know I can see you Bella."

I glare and then close the door the whole way and quickly relieve my bladder. I shove my hands under the faucet and try to pump the soap on my hands as quickly as I can.

Due to me being, well me, the soap sprays out at an odd angle, more specifically into my eye.

Letting out a pained yelp I try to splash water in my eye but I keep unwillingly closing it. I clench my eye shut in hopes that the pain will pass and it does, slightly.

Oh no, the oven! I wrench the door open and shriek, yet again. I can't see! There's a deep, hazy smoke everywhere I look.

"I'M GOING BLIND" I scream loudly in hysterics. Then I abruptly realize that I can smell this smoke too. Wait a minute, that sneaky little...she touched the oven.

"ROSE!"

I strain my ears and hear a frantic fluttering noise. "Bella! The cupcakes are on fire!"

Waving my arms in front of me wildly I attempt to follow her voice. "Where are you?"

Right after I ask there's a cold hand tugging me to where, through the smoke I can see flames rising.

We both look at each other horrified, Rose starts to wave her hands furiously at the fire and I realize that's the noise I heard earlier. "If the kitchen burns down Esme will literally kill me!"

"Well, I told you not to touch the oven!!"

"_I _didn't. The oven mitts did!!"

I groan in exasperation. Reaching back for the counter I grope around till I find the faucet. With a slight sigh of relief which only causes me to start coughing I pull the extendable attachment up.

Turning to the fire I push the lever back and watch as a reassuring flow of water shoots out and extinguishes the fire.

An even thicker cloud of smoke billows out of the oven and engulfs the room.

Rose reaches for me to make sure I'm still standing when we are joined by another member of the Cullen family.

"What's going on? Is everyone alright?" A smooth voice full of concern cuts across the kitchen. Through the haze I can just make out Carlisle's anxious face.

Rose and I exchange a sheepish glance.

She takes a deep breath "Well, Bella had to go to the bathroom and even though she warned me not to I bumped the heat up on the oven so the cupcakes would cook faster and well..."

Carlisle lifts an eyebrow at Rosalie and sighs, "At least you're both alright, and Esme's kitchen for that matter. Now Rose, please don't be offended but I think I'd prefer to have Bella finish up this cooking endeavor."

Rose sighs dramatically and looks down sullenly.

I turn to Carlisle, "She really was doing a good job, until the whole oven ordeal. You should see her crack an egg."

Carlisle eyes the remnants of the cupcakes that at this moment are a charred pile of ashes in the cooking tray. Shaking his head in incredulity and muttering under his breath he pulls out a camera and snaps a picture.

He just smiles at our puzzled expressions, "I don't think anyone else will believe me when I tell them the kitchen was almost burnt down. I'm getting evidence to prove it."

Rose glowers at this, "Great, now they have hard copy proof of my disability in the kitchen. And what, Edward's mind reading ability and the fact that Alice could have possibly seen this already isn't enough?"

I go over to the windows and open them to let the smoke filter out of the kitchen. Trying to distract Rose I turn to Carlisle, "What time do you want us to come by the hospital?"

He pauses for a moment, "I would say if you could come around ten thirty it would be good. The first drop off time is never too busy and then you two can get on with the rest of your day."

My eye twitches involuntarily in pain as I nod at Carlisle's response.

Stupid eyeball, I thought it was fine by now.

The smoke is clearing out pretty quickly and I can start to see the kitchen once again. At least I know I'm not going blind, at the moment.

So after Carlisle examines my eye and determines for sure that I will not go blind he gives me some eye drops and I get back to cooking. I knew those extra ingredients would be useful.

I finish the cupcakes and the rice krispy treats with little to no trouble. This was mainly due to Rose sitting sulkily at the kitchen table.

I keep debating whether or not I should bring up the oven incident but I can't help but ask "So how much exactly was a little bit when bumping up the oven temperature?"

Wincing Rose mumbles back, "About five fifty."

At first I can't even speak I just stare at her open mouthed and then decide to let the subject drop. After I package up the food I go and sit beside her.

I glance over her shoulder to see the list she's making, all of the things she needs to plan out for her wedding reception.

Since Rose and Emmett had gotten "married" while they were away it was somehow deemed necessary to have a wedding reception here. That was to include me in the celebrations, naturally, or so say the Cullen's.

It turns out that there was much more involved in planning a wedding reception than I ever realized.

Rose wants to make this twenty eighth wedding reception particularly special because it's my first involvement in their matrimonial happenings. So basically I've discovered from Jasper that she's even more frenzied over the plans than normal.

Edward has been spending an unusually large amount of time in my closet to avoid these wedding reception plans of Rosalie's.

I'm actually pretty surprised that she hasn't harassed me into going shopping today. I've been meaning to ask but I don't want to remind her. Curiosity eventually gets the best of me and I blurt out, "So why aren't we shopping today?"

She looks up from the list with an amused smile, "Eager to?"

I shrug, "We have an entire day with no plans after the bake sale. I figured shopping would be a priority for you."

With a martyred expression she lays down her pen, "I swore on my platinum VISA to Alice that I wouldn't take you shopping without her."

Ever since they found out I didn't have an objection to shopping for an actual purpose it's been slightly ridiculous. They drag me out to go shopping on the most irrelevant holidays and call it an acceptable reason.

I do consider Rosalie's wedding reception a good reason though and I am looking forward to go shopping, a little. I only have a problem with the budget or lack thereof that seems to be on these shopping sprees with the Cullen's.

They have bought me clothes that are more expensive than what our taxes were back in Phoenix.

Rose turns to the list and then looks back up with her nose wrinkled. "Bella, do you prefer mashed potatoes or baked potatoes?"

This was another issue Rose never had to deal with before. Since none of them need to eat, human food that is, they've never needed any. But as seeing how I need food that's launched her into realm where she is utterly clueless. "I'd prefer baked."

She marks that down on the paper and takes a critical look out the window. "You do think the reception will be fine here don't you?"

I stop to see if she's actually serious. "Rose", I start slowly, "You're completely insane if you think you'll find a more perfect place to have your wedding reception."

She smiles gratefully reassured by my obvious support of the location. I glance at the clock and jump up, "Oh! We'd better get going; we should be at the hospital in five minutes!"

Rose rolls her eyes as she grabs the baked items and gets into the car using vampire speed. I stumble in after, "Right, I always seem to forget about that."

The car slides smoothly into a parking spot at the hospital and I stack the items together while turning to Rose, "You are taking partial credit for these you know."

She cocks her head looking at me hesitantly, "Why? I didn't really help. In fact, I delayed the process by nearly burning down the kitchen."

We make our way up to the main doors, "So? After that outstanding performance at the grocery store you have to have _at least_ partial credit in making these."

A wicked grin lights up her features as we make our way to a table set up for the bake sale. Rose nudges me gently in the ribs and I look up confused.

She makes a swift head jerk to the right and I casually turn to see what she's talking about. Of course, I should have known really. Lauren and Gladys are here as well.

I place our items on the table and a middle-aged friendly looking woman smiles at the two of us pleasantly. "Hello there, thanks for participating in the bake sale. If you have a minute or two we're just waiting for Dr. Cullen."

At this point Carlisle strides cheerfully up to the table. "Rose! Bella! I'm honored you tore yourself away from the wedding reception plans to come by."

Rose shoots him a mock glare, "For that you might stab you just might find yourself wearing a top hat."

Carlisle meets my eyes and we both start coughing to disguise our laughter.

I clarify to her, "Rose, that's not really a punishment, I once found a top hat in one of your linen closets and Carlisle put it on willingly. He looked pretty good too; no mockery was able to happen. Emmett of course was very disappointed."

Carlisle smiles fondly at the memory, "That was a good day. But Emmett was only disappointed because he had seen Jasper in the bowler hat beforehand."

I frantically make the cutting motion across my throat so that Carlisle would stop talking. Jasper had made each of us swear to never mention the bowler hat again.

The hat had been too small and he couldn't get it off. His head and face were squashed in making him look like a chipmunk who survived being run over by a semi-truck. When Emmett had finally managed to cut it off of him he accidentally got a chunk of Jasper's hair as well.

Much laughter occurred that day; I laughed so hard that I had stomach pain for at least a week afterwards. Although I have to admit, if it was possible for Emmett to die from lack of oxygen he most definitely would have.

Carlisle sees me then cringes slightly and nods in agreement to my reminder.

Rose surveys us oddly, "Well, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe all the men should wear top hats."

Edward probably wouldn't like that. I tried to buy him a top hat once but he refused, much to my chagrin.

He said it brought back repressed memories of when he was young and tried on his father's top hat but it got stuck and he almost suffocated.

Perhaps the Cullen's should just stay away from poorly fitting hats.

The older woman had been politely pretending to not be listening to our conversation but Lauren and Gladys were staring at us in astonishment. Their jealously is obvious as Carlisle talks to us so openly.

It's really not his fault he's so good-looking. I'm beginning to feel a bond with Esme on this matter; we need to take forceful action against the ogling of others.

Turning to them Carlisle smiles brightly, "I really can't thank you enough for participating in the first drop off for the bake sale. This is a tremendous help to the hospital and we all appreciate it very much." Lauren sends a triumphant smirk at us.

Rose rolls her eyes, "So Carlisle did you take a look at what we brought?"

He picks up the boxes and inspects them carefully. Impressed by the fact that we managed to actually get them here in a recognizable form he nods approvingly. "These are excellent, great job. Well, I've got to get back to work I'll stop by the house again later."

With that he wanders back over to the main desk and asks the nurses where he should be sent off to.

Rose is choking next to me from trying not to outright laugh at Lauren. She's awfully put out by the fact that Carlisle didn't compliment her baking. Too bad she doesn't know the only reason he complimented ours was because he thought we wouldn't have anything.

I bite my lip and take an exaggerated cough when Lauren turns full on to me. Ok, do not laugh in her face. I repeat, do not laugh in her face.

My mouth twitches into a smile and I fake yawn to cover up my face.

Rose grabs my arm, "Well, this has been lovely. Let's get back to the house; I want to show you something Emmett installed."

I flinch, "Please tell me it's not the game system." Emmett is just slightly obsessed with a Mario race cart game. That's just fine normally because he dominates the game.

But last time...I swear it was a fluke, I won. He was so shocked he threw his controller and it demolished the game system to a smoldering heap of plastic.

Rose pushes the hospital doors open, "Well, he installed that again too but I'm talking about something else."

We get in the car once again and arrive at the Cullen's just as the sun is starting to peek out from behind the clouds. Rose waits impatiently for me to undo my seat beat and reach the front door.

Finally she grabs me around the waist and tosses my over her shoulder while racing up to her room

She dives into her closet and starts searching through the clothes at an alarming pace. "This is going to be great! I've always wanted to do this but it's never felt like the right time."

Emerging from the depths she comes out beaming while holding up two dresses. They're both obscenely expensive dresses and they're stunning.

Rose gives me an airy yellow dress that feels like it can slide straight through my hand. "What are we doing with these?"

Shooting me an exasperated look she sighs, "Putting them on." With that she's already got her dress on, a beautiful lavender one made of some flowing material.

I carefully put mine on as well and twirl around admiring the color. Rose smiles happily, "Isn't that just the most perfect shade of yellow you've ever seen? Alright come on I've got to show you this, it's amazing."

With that she tugs me along into the adjoining bathroom. I've definitely never been in here before. I become stock still in amazement. The bathroom is massive; it's probably larger than half of the Fork's high school classrooms.

I catch sight of my reflection, eyes huge taking in the room. Rose darts to in what most bathrooms would be considered a bathtub. In this bathroom it's a small swimming pool.

Waving me over, she points to a control panel on the edge of the pool. "Look! Emmett installed these heaters so the warm water never runs out. It's amazing, not that you can't feel warmth, but for us it's pretty amazing."

She starts running the water and the bath/pool fills up gradually. Once it almost reaches the top Rose shuts off the water and pushes one of the buttons from the panel.

Smiling brightly she looks at me expectantly, "Come on!"

Then she swiftly slides into the water, with her dress on. I stare at her and then the water and back to her, "What have you done with Rosalie?"

She slips under the water and then smiles blissfully, "Ha-ha, very funny. I did make sure these dresses wouldn't get water damage do you think I've lost it completely? Now get it."

Still eyeing her suspiciously I sit on the edge of the tub and glide into the water with caution. I dunk my head under and can't help but smile as well.

The water is pleasantly warm, not too hot but not too cold, and I can float on my back with Rose doing so as well and still not hit the sides.

She loops her arms through mine as we float, we're just suspended in the water linked together quietly enjoying the serene atmosphere. After a while I close my eyes and take a deep breath, this peace and contentment seems surreal.

Eventually Rose breaks the silence, "Bella, I just don't understand."

I smile slightly, "You know if you were any clearer I would actually understand what you're asking me about."

She laughs and continues, "Why would you want to give up being human? If you stay human Edward will still love you and so will we. Why would you ever want to become a vampire by choice? You'd have to leave your mother and father, and never be able to eat normal food again, or sleep or stay in the sunlight with it reflecting off you normally."

She falls quiet and then in a whisper that I can barely hear murmurs, "Or have children."

I frown. Of course I've thought about everything she's listed off and even more of the parts of being human that I'll miss.

"It's not as simple a decision on my part as I make it. I do want to be a vampire and I remind Edward frequently. I don't like to show any hesitation in my choice because Edward will stop me. All of those things you listed I've spent hours worrying about. I can't even think about having to leave Charlie alone and my mother off without me.

I hate blood. It makes me sick to even think about me having to hunt. I can't imagine not sleeping but I know that I'll probably miss that the most; and losing the ability to just walk into the sunlight without having to worry and a having children. I've thought about that a lot..."

Rose waits for me to continue I clench my eyes shut regretting telling her my fears. Edward is going to find out.

He can't back out on me now. I'm so close. I have to prove to her and Edward why I want this, why there is no other way.

"I do have those regrets but the alternative is basically no option for me. I will gladly give up all of those things to have Edward. I want to be with him and you all forever. There is no way I will live without him. There is no way I even _can_ live without him.

The difficult part is it's not as if we have a long time to debate this. If I'm not changed soon I'm going to be older than him than I'll ever want to be and for all eternity too. I'm already legal, something Edward will never be."

Once she sees I'm pausing she cuts in, "But won't you regret it? You have the power; you're cutting your life short by your own choice. I'm not saying I'm not grateful for being kept well undead. If I wasn't I would never have met Emmett, or the rest of my family but I had no choice.

I was dying and I was saved in a way I suppose. I wish so badly I could have children, I don't like to think about how much pain Esme had to go through in her human life losing her child."

She waits for me to respond and I'm slightly relieved that this one is easy for me to answer. The humiliation level however is quite high. "I do like children. I suppose it would be nice to have them but I never could."

Puzzled for a moment Rose asks, "As in you physically can't bear children?"

I blush as I answer her but I know what I'm saying is the truth, "No. As in the only one that I would ever want to have children with can't." This subject makes me uncomfortable.

Everyone always teases us, well occasionally me but mostly Edward about his limitations on our physical relationship.

Especially since I'm eighteen now Emmett likes to point out that I will be having, well. Holy crow, I can't even say it in my own thoughts I'm so embarrassed.

I'll just put it into Emmett's terms exactly, 'I'll be doing the dirty deed with a minor'.

I think I turned all the possible shades of red ever known to the world after that comment.

I can tell Rose is trying to hold back a response on that subject to not ruin the serious topic. "Bella, I'm glad you've managed to for some reason or another fall in love with my brother."

I smile, "I'm glad too."

After that we both stay silent for a moment or two and then Rose starts telling me all sorts of stories about the Cullen's lives before I met them.

I don't know how long we were in there but I knew that this was simply too good of a time to end. Finishing up a tale involving Emmett and a rather angry store clerk Rose suddenly announces, "Bella, I think this should be our thing."

My forehead wrinkles, "What do you mean?"

"Well, you know like the meadow. That's your and Edward's place. I would say this is our place but as seeing it's mine and Emmett's bathroom that doesn't quite work."

I start laughing and accidentally dunk my head under causing me to start coughing. "I agree."

Amidst my choking the door opens and Carlisle walks in a few steps and stops, surveying us with disbelief. Rose and I gaze up at him as he slowly pulls out the camera and takes another picture.

"Carlisle! Would you stop taking pictures, while Rose is remarkably photogenic I am not so fortunate."

He smiles down at us, "Actually that picture is excellent, both of you look quite lovely with the water and the dresses, it's a nice shot."

Taking a seat on the counter he notices how I've begun to wrinkle, "Have you two been in here since you left the hospital?"

Rose shrugs, "More or less. Why? Jealous you can't wear a dress and come to join us? I bet I could find one that fits you."

With an exaggerated sigh Carlisle shakes his head mournfully, "If I had the time I would but I must be leaving soon. I was just asking because if you have that means you've spent over two hours in here."

I absorb that with a slight shock, it's only felt like a couple minutes. With a pleased smile Carlisle leans back against the mirror, "I'm glad Edward was wrong about you two."

Rose narrows her eyes, "What did he say?"

Carlisle rolls his eyes at her, "He was worried that you two would never get along as well as Bella gets along with everyone else."

I close my eyes trying to think about that. Edward has never mentioned anything like that to me before. "I'm not sure if I should take that as an insult or a compliment."

Rose laughs at me, "For my part it's meant as an insult that I'm positive of. He probably didn't expect me to be able to relate to you since I'm _so_ selfish."

I'm about to object when Carlisle interjects, "Well it doesn't matter anyways. You've proved him wrong. You two get along like old kooky retiree's who've known each other since they were born and witnessed important events together, like the creation of massage chairs."

Hearing that analogy Rose and I can't help but unlink our arms and sit up to stare at him.

That's probably one of the worst analogy's I've heard in my life. And believe me; I've heard some bad analogies.

Renee always tried to make them work but coming from the woman who rhymed crowbar and clown car for a poem about her life, it never really could work.

Rose just shakes her head in evident shame, "You really need to work on that."

Carlisle gives her an affronted look and hops off the counter, "Well I should be getting back to the hospital now, where I'm actually appreciated."

Rose scoffs at him, "The nurses only go along with you because they find you attractive."

Carlisle frowns, "No they don't."

Rose eyes him skeptically, "I'll bet that if you take Edward along with you some time they'll be thinking 'that was terrible, just smile and nod, he can say whatever he wants looking like that'."

Carlisle gives us both one last frown and then leaves the room in a huff. I lift my hand and wince at my wrinkled skin.

This just brings back that nightmare from my birthday. My shuddering makes Rose stare at me intently, "Let's get out. I want to talk about some more plans for the reception."

She tugs my hand and pulls me out of the tub, our dresses send a cascade of water across the floor and I almost fall flat on my face. Rose catches my arm and sits me down on the counter, "I'll be back, don't move."

In a blinding flurry of motion the water is cleaned up, Rose is standing in front of me already changed and is holding out dry clothes for me. I put on my jeans and pull the t-shirt over my head shivering from the contrast in temperatures coming from the water into the air.

Pulling the plug out Rose lets the water drain and tosses me a floor length jacket of some furry material. I push my arms through the sleeves and tie it shut snuggling into the warmth, "What is this?"

Rose grins at me, "Buffalo. Quite warm isn't it?"

I inspect the jacket closely and find it odd to be wearing an extinct animal that I've seen roaming around pleasant open fields in my history books.

We make our way down the stairs and to the couch where Rose pulls out her list and starts reading through it again. "So, I've finally decided, after many hours of thought. You, Alice and Esme will be wearing purple, I'm not quite sure of the exact dresses yet but I'm definitely leaning towards a Victorian, corset, petticoat sort of theme."

I just nod and flip through one of the bridal magazine's that Rose has lying around. She's been debating on our dresses for months now, and let's not bring up her dress. As seeing she has done this many times before she knows which style she likes best and for what season and you get the drift.

The Victorian theme seems to be an idea she's been bringing up a lot lately. Hopefully she'll just make a decision already and let us go on from there. Rose just keeps on going about dresses and I'm mostly tuning her out, reading about how to choose the correct train length for your gown when something she says catches my attention.

"And I mean you of course know how difficult he is to get gifts for."

I stare at her uncomprehendingly, "Why are you getting Edward a gift? Is this some weird vampire tradition? When it's your reception you get everyone else gifts?"

It's her turn to look at me blankly then realization dawns on her. Well I'm glad it's dawned on someone since I have no clue what's going on. "He didn't tell you?"

I roll my eyes, "Obviously. Tell me what?"

"Edward's birthday is next week." Her eyes stay on my face as she waits for my reaction.

The magazine slips out of my fingers, "What?"

She stays silent trying to gauge my expression and figure out what I'm going to do next.

Edward's birthday is next week and he didn't tell me. I can't believe that little sneak! I have no clue what to get him. He has everything he could possibly ever want; I mean, oh wait just a second.

Mr. Cullen doesn't own a bed.

This is perfect! I'll get him a bed, it'll make me happy and that makes him happy for some reason and sleep is one of the things Edward misses most. Who cares if I'll only actually sleep in it for a few months? I fully expect him to lie there with my when I'm changed and just pretend.

That's the perfect gift, I just can't tell anyone till the last minute when I drag them mattress shopping with me otherwise he'll figure it out ahead of time.

Rose sees that I've mellowed out and only then does she start talking again. "I can't believe he didn't tell you."

I pick up the magazine from its unceremonious place on the ground, "Me either. I'll be speaking to him about that when he returns. By the way if you can't find him when you're planning for the reception he's most likely in my closet."

She grins evilly at me, "I was wondering where he was hiding."

We both fall silent once again as we flip through Rose's alarmingly tall stack of bridal magazines. We hit the halfway mark when we're interrupted by Carlisle entering the room.

Rose waggles her eyebrows as he sits across from us and announces to him, "So I've decided. The men's attire will include top hats and frock coats."

Carlisle smiles brightly, "That's fine with me. I can't wait to see you trying to fit Emmett into a frock coat though."

We all snicker at that thought. Then I realize that Carlisle didn't leave the house yet. "Why are you still here?"

"I can tell I'm so wanted here. But they don't need me yet so I caught up on some reading. Now Bella, did Edward really not tell you about his birthday?"

I glower, of course he heard that. He waves dismissively at my expression, "It's alright just have Rose make a cake from him, and it'll be punishment enough."

I quickly turn my laugh into a fake sneeze as Rose shoots him a glare.

Tossing one of the magazines over to him I give him an encouraging smile which I'm sure looks maniacal, "Join us Carlisle."

He gives me a worried glance and slowly pages through the magazine with Rose and me scrutinizing him as he does so. Carlisle has joined the dark side, or well the pro-wedding reception planning side at least.

After a few moments of silence expect for the page shuffling Rose and Carlisle lift their heads and turn expectantly to the front door. It swings open within seconds and the other members of the Cullen family trail into the room.

Alice looks at us her eyes shining and the first thing out of her mouth is, "Are they really going to wear top hats and frock coats?"

You just have to love Alice.

Jasper, Emmett and Edward fearfully eye Rose's cheerful expression. "Oh yes, they are. And by the way Edward I know where to find you now."

I watch Edward's beautiful face fall into a grimace as his eyes flit over and narrow in on me. I give him a sunny smile, "So Edward I heard some interesting news today."

Edward's expression quickly changes from suspicion to dread as he reads Carlisle and Rose's thoughts on our earlier conversations.

Trying to look especially innocent he gazes at me wide eyed attempting to dazzle me. "Really, and what is that?"

I glare at him darkly. He thinks he can wiggle his way out of this way, not this time. "You didn't tell me your birthday was in a week."

He eyes me carefully, "I was going to tell you..."

Jasper cuts in from leaning against the door frame, "No you weren't."

Edward flinches as I cross my arms and turn to Rose and ignore him, "Can we go shopping now since Alice and Esme are back? Edward had best get on his work for the reception, what is it again exactly?"

He scoffs at me thinking I'm bluffing, "There's no way you actually want to go shopping."

Poor Edward, I don't think he realizes I actually am excited to go shopping for once.

I keep my eyes on Rose and she looks from me to Edward, a menacing smile appearing on her angelic face. "Have fun with the decorations while we're shopping Edward."

She shoves a pile of magazines full of streamers and napkin holder type items at him. "And you better choose wisely."

With that I hop off the couch and give Edward a peck on the cheek as I pass by shrugging off the buffalo coat and pulling on my normal one.

Alice, Esme and Rose follow after me and my smile becomes infectious to them.

Then I utter a sentence I only thought I would ever say willingly under excruciating torture, "Let's go shopping!"

* * *

So that's the first chapter, I hope you liked it because I had a splendid time writing it. I'm going to try really hard to get the next chapter up within a reasonable time, so bear with me. Leave a review if you want and if you don't that's just dandy too. I'll just delude myself into thinking I have people reading my story but not reviewing it. 


	2. Dresses and Geraniums

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight characters just this lunatic plot.

A/N: Yes! This is a record updating time for me. But still it was relatively long, so sorry, here is chapter two!

* * *

**Dresses and Geraniums**

Esme slides into the back seat with me as Rose and Alice get in front.

Alice is absolutely ecstatic, "Bella! I can't believe you actually want to go shopping! If this gets you excited to go maybe Jasper and I should have a reception soon too..."

My mouth goes dry in fear, another one right after this? Another whole set of plans and dresses and frantic late nights deciding napkin colors right after this? I don't think I could physically handle that.

But of course I leave that fact out when I answer Alice. "If you guys want to avoid unwanted attention I'd wait until you're out of high school before you get 'married'."

She sighs, visibly disappointed, "Good point, I suppose you're right. But after we graduate...can you imagine the possibilities? So Rose, with this Victorian theme, which style are you thinking of? More of a cinched waist, can't breathe, twelve petticoat, sexual repression sort of style or a whorehouse style?"

Rose seems thrilled that Alice understands what she's talking about at all.

After that conversation we had a while ago about the difference in a vintage sweater and just an old sweater, where I clearly didn't see a difference, she deemed me hopeless. "I was thinking whorehouse, I do want you all to be comfortable, somewhat, while looking outstanding."

I turn in confusion to Esme who's leaning against her headrest surveying the two in front with interest. She tilts her head towards me, "You know if you listen to them go about shopping it starts to sound like some sort of war plan. A coveted item to be found, the ground plan to get that item and the use of any means necessary to get that item or else."

I grin as I think about that, it really is true. Especially when shopping with Alice and Rosalie. I hope for the sake of all brides out there that Rose never gets into one of those classic arguments over a wedding dress.

That girl would have no chance.

Pushing the image of Rose "accidentally" hitting a girl with a clothing rack out of my mind, I remember the concerning topic of our clothing at the reception.

I know I may not be the most fashion forward person, I could most likely be considered fashion backwards; but I'm pretty sure a whorehouse style isn't really wedding celebration attire.

Maybe that's just me. "Esme, is this whorehouse style considered formal wear?"

She looks at me, her eyebrows furrowed then her face clears and she starts to giggle at me. "Bella, by whorehouse they mean risqué clothing in that time period. The corsets were looser, with the dresses cut lower to see the corset and they were made of breezier fabrics with say only one petticoat underneath."

"Oh, well that helps." Here I was picturing the Cullen men all in frock coats and top hats with Rose in a beautiful wedding dress and Alice, Esme and I in skimpy black lace numbers.

Esme continues smiling at me shaking her head in amusement, "So how did the bake sale go for you two? Rose said she was going to have you teach her to cook."

Rose meets my eyes in the rear view mirror and I shrug with a brief wince to her, "It went pretty well."

Alice rolls her eyes smirking impishly, "The kitchen was nearly burnt down."

Esme's eyes widen and she pinches the bridge of her nose taking a deep breathe in and out.

Rose sends Alice an exasperated glare, "The key word is nearly, the kitchen was nearly burnt down, but it wasn't. And don't worry; I've decided to take a break from learning to cook for a while."

Esme regains her composure and leans her back on the head rest again, "So where exactly are we going to find purple whorehouse dresses in Forks?"

Alice gives her a pitying glance, "Honestly, Forks? We would never find anything suitable for this in Forks. We're going to the masters."

I'm suddenly starting to regret wanting to go shopping. This is sounding too close to a battle plan for comfort and now we're heading to our training camp. Esme squeezes my hand reassuringly, "I'm sure when we're done here Edward will cheer you up."

My face flushes deeply. Do they all find it necessary to mock either the lack of our physical relationship or the minimally existing one?

Plus I'm still not entire pleased with Edward. "I'm not sure if I'll let him."

Esme wiggles her eyebrows up and down, "If you do want revenge on him that would be it. The poor boy can't keep away from you."

I hide my smile and turn to look out the window. I realize I have no clue where we're going and attempt to read a sign to figure out our current location.

Of course I can't actually read anything at the speed we're driving at. Rose makes a sharp turn and then abruptly parks outside a store. I climb out and look at the store in awe.

It's a thrift store that seems to have anything you could ever want to wear inside. Esme pulls me along and I see there are two more floors, all of them jammed with various sorts of items. We could be here a _long_ time.

Alice immediately finds the Victorian styled dresses and within moments the corsets are located as well. An ominously growing pile of clothing appears stacked in her arms out of nowhere and she's shoving me into a dressing room.

"So, we've got to pick the corset first, it's going to be similar to the one you wore for prom, probably a little tighter." She shoves Esme in with me, and hands her a pile as well. "These ones are for you. Try them on, you'll need each others help obviously."

With that she disappears closing the door on her way out. I exchange a look with Esme and then we both start sifting through our piles. All of the corsets are pale colors and have decorative touches across the top.

I'm guessing that's the visible part. I pick out my favorite one, it's a creamy ribboned one and Esme holds up her pick, an ivory beaded one.

I slip out of my clothes and try on the corset. This has the feel of a straight jacket to it. Esme tightens the laces and keeps pulling them tighter still. My breathing is shallower than normal and I probably can't move my spine but otherwise I'm completely fine.

Who needs to breathe anyways, right? Well, then again the Cullen's don't need to breathe.

Just another reason for changing me, I could wear a corset and only have the effects of a paralyzed spinal cord and wouldn't have to worry about such a trivial thing as breathing.

Esme steps back to look at the corset and nods enthusiastically, "Definitely the perfect corset for you." I look to the mirror. That's me?

Wow, I have an hourglass figure! I start turning around at odd angles to admire the corset, it really is beautiful then I remember she needs one as well.

I hand Esme the ivory one for her to put on, "Your turn now."

She slides into the corset and I carefully pull the laces together until Esme tells me to stop. And of course might I mention again it's not like breathing is the deciding factor for her. The light coloring looks stunning with her hair; I grin and yank the door open. "Oh, Alice!"

She appears in front of us immediately, a pearly, embroidered corset of her own already purchased. Alice squeals loudly, "Those look perfect! I've already got mine; I had the strangest feeling, a sixth sense almost, that it would fit me and look spectacular with the dresses. Here are some by the way." I giggle at her as she joins us in the dressing rooms with an abundance of whorehouse dresses.

They're all in varying shades of purple and are of slightly different styles. Moments later Rose traipses in too so she doesn't have to wait for us to come out to see the dresses.

We all spend the next four hours of our lives in this dressing room.

In _this_ dressing room, not even the rest of the store. One would think that within four hours you could get all of our shopping needs done such as dresses, shoes, and accessories.

Apparently four hours is not enough time to even pick out one dress. One of the sales workers has been here at least once every half hour attempting to let someone use the room not realizing we were still here.

The last time it happened I feared for that woman's life, Rose was clutching a hanger much tighter than necessary.

I think even worse than being here is the fact that I have Gogol Bordello's "Start Wearing Purple" stuck in my head. Ever since I caught sight of that first dress my mind has been playing that song repeatedly.

Alice, Esme and I have tried on all the dresses again and again and still Rose is sitting there looking like she has no clue which ones to choose.

Finally I can't take it anymore and mention something that will hopefully get us out of here. "Rose don't you want to go look for your dress?"

She gives me an exasperated look, "Bella, there isn't enough time for that today." I shrug in apology and make a mental note to be sure I'm working on whatever day she wants to look for her dress.

Rose takes a final glance over her choices and then picks up three and hands them to us separately.

You have got to be kidding me; this dress is the first one I tried on. I give her a meek smile and decide I'm too exhausted to complain.

All of the dresses are the same general style. They're low cut, embroidered and basically they look like dresses whores would wear in the Victorian Era. The goal has been accomplished.

And true to Rose's purple wishes Alice's dress is a rich plumy shade, Esme's is deep lavender and mine is a dark violet.

Alice takes the dresses up to the register as we walk to the car. I see that sales worker give us a death glare as we go, that would most likely be due to the fact that we left about half the inventory for her to put back.

Alice hands me our purchases and I lay them across my lap as we drive back to Forks.

I'm going to be thinking twice about showing enthusiasm for shopping from now on. It's almost worse than showing none whatsoever, then at least you can mope miserably and complain. But if you ask to go, you can't go back on your word.

Well, maybe that's just me not wanting to admit to Edward that I shouldn't have said I wanted to go. The car ride back is spent discussing where we're going to go shoe shopping. I can only be glad that I'm spared from that today.

We pull up to their house and Rose and Alice take the dresses straight inside. Esme gives me a supportive smile, "Let's go inside. I'll get you some iced tea."

I grin back and we make our way to the kitchen. At this point I'm willing to forgive Edward. That is if he'll just lie on his couch with me and not mention anything at all about the tertiary color spectrum.

But as I sit down at the table I notice a tiny piece of paper and read it aloud, a frown coming across my face.

"I took them out to look at top hats. We'll be back soon, Carlisle."

Esme snickers as she hands me my iced tea. "All of them except Carlisle despise top hats; this is going to be an interesting experience."

I take a sip and imagine Carlisle picking up all sorts of top hats, absolutely thrilled while Edward, Jasper and Emmett glower in the corner.

As I drink my tea Esme stares intently around the room. She turns her eyes on me after a few moments, "Bella, what do you think would brighten this place up?"

I pause as she waits for my answer expectantly. Is this a trick question? "Well um, do you mean besides an entire side of your house being made of glass?"

She waves that aside, "I meant color wise. I'm in charge of flowers."

"Oh." But I fall silent since still have no clue.

I finish off my tea and Esme hops out of her chair. "Would you want to come and get some samples with me? I promise it'll take less than four hours." She winks at me on the last part.

A smile creeps onto my face; I can't find any reason not to go. Esme knows I don't have a high tolerance level for shopping and I like looking at flowers so why not?

Plus Edward isn't here so I have nothing else to do anyways.

I get up and tap my foot jokingly, "Come on then, slow poke." Esme laughs as she grabs a pair of keys on the way to the garage and heads over to Emmett's enormous jeep.

I stare at it worriedly, "How many samples are you planning on taking exactly."

She shoots me a disturbing smile and motions for me to get in. After some difficulty I clamber up and Esme gets me buckled in.

Esme is the only one of the Cullen's who actually humors me with the speed limit. At the most she'll go ten over but that's reasonable since everyone else does something close to that as well.

If Edward was only going sixty I can guarantee you he would be complaining the whole time.

When we were driving my truck once an elderly woman passed us and he was so frustrated he nearly got out of the truck and started running.

I managed to convince him that wasn't a good idea and he didn't do it, but he was close.

The door was open and he was halfway out as I was telling him the old woman would probably faint and end up crashing her car from seeing such an attractive young man jogging alongside her window.

Esme and I sit in companionable silence as we drive and eventually begin to play the license plate game. We miss the turn into the gardening store since we really got into the game and followed this one car whose license plate was always just out of view.

Once I was able to finally read it and shriek "New Mexico!" we were able to go back and park.

After unbuckling me from the harness we go into the store and navigate to the back section with the flowers everywhere. The sliding doors open and we step outside where there are tables full of flowers shoved into any possible space.

A heavy set man who just radiates an obnoxious aura walks up to us. He's wearing a shiny pin that states 'Owner' and has a mustache that clearly defies gravity. I wonder if it's real.

I resist the urge to reach out and tug it to see if it peels off this face. "Hello there, I'm the owner of this store." He points helpfully to his pin at this point, "If you need anything let me know."

Esme gives me a look then starts inspecting the rows weaving through and muttering to herself.

I follow her from a distance picking up random ones and sniffing them. Every time Esme takes special interest in a certain type of flower the owner shows up and claims those are actually triple the marked price.

Falling in step with me she shoots him a glare from where he's discreetly standing several feet away watching us. "That man is really starting to get on my nerves. Just because the car we came in happens to be the size of a small country does not give him the right to up the price of everything I simply glance at!"

I stifle a smirk; price is the furthest thing from her mind. She's just looking at the actual flowers. The Cullen's will never have to worry about money problems.

Carlisle is a spectacular doctor and with Alice's stock market expertise they're always wealthy. Plus if for some bizarre reason or another they went bankrupt they could definitely become models.

Any agency would be begging for them to just stand on their doorstep.

Suddenly Esme grabs my hand and drags me to a table looking jubilant. "Look!" I peer at a table full of geraniums of all colors and sizes. "Aren't they just perfect? They can fit in those little vases Rose bought to go along the wall."

"They are nice." I admit as I browse over them, involuntarily wincing at the pale purple ones.

The owner steps over an expression of false regret on his face, "Oh, I'm very sorry ma'am those were reduced incorrectly. They're actually five times the marked price."

She shoots him an aggravated glower and tugs on my arm again. "Let's go over here. There's an arrow pointing this way." We start off towards the arrow and see a crowd of people looking at exotic, brightly colored plants.

What a relief, now that man can go harass some other people. Esme looks around and wrinkles her nose, "What do you think is over there?"

I turn to see an open area a little further away from the crowd. "I don't know. Let's go find out."

We go to the area and look around. There's nothing here. That's when a rumbling noise starts up. I look around curiously and Esme, obviously having superior hearing abilities, turns to the source of the noise.

It just so happens to be coming from above our heads. The crowd of people turns to stare at what's making the noise, putting us in their line of sight.

The owner laughs quietly to himself, making his mustache look like it's dancing on his upper lip and Esme's eyes widen. "That..."

But before I can find out what exactly he is a massive torrent of soil and other pleasant items like dead flowers and ground up petals come pouring down on us. I drop into the fetal position with my hands over my head, I suppose those school tornado drills were good for something.

Esme follows my lead although she'd be fine if it was solid concrete pouring down on us. She raises her voice just loud enough for me to hear. "I'm sorry Bella! I would have gotten us out of the way if we were in danger but I knew we weren't. It wasn't hazardous, just not enjoyable and everyone was looking over here."

I answer back, "Its fine. But that man could have told us we should move he just stood there and laughed."

Esme gives a dark chuckle, "Don't worry we will get our revenge."

The downpour is finally starting to slow down. Esme and I are completely coated in muck, it's embedded to our clothes and absorbed in our hair.

Not to mention the odd flower pieces oddly plastered into the soil. Esme tugs on my hand and I get up to stumble my way through the giant heap of earthy materials.

All the people are gaping unblinkingly at us and the owner is still smirking, "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to leave, you're going to trail that dirt all over my store."

I stare at him in disbelief. There is no way he can be this despicable, and yet he is. This man is unbelievable, I hope whatever Esme is planning for revenge is good.

She continues tugging me forward glaring at him as we go. Once outside I attempt to wipe some of the gunk off my clothes. "What are we going to do to get this stuff off?"

Esme surveys the area and then a bright smile appears on her face, "Do you have any problems with carwashes?"

I don't comprehend what she's saying at first, "I don't think the Jeep will fit."

Her grin widens, "Who mentioned anything about taking the car through?"

She's actually suggesting that we go through the car wash? I stand there motionless for a while and then I realize I can't actually think of a legitimate objection. "Alright, let's go."

We cross the street leaving the Jeep in the parking lot at the gardening store and dart into the trees next to the gas station. Esme peers through the foliage, "When I say go I'm going to throw you over my shoulder and run for it, ok?"

I nod and prepare myself for when we're clear. I keep giggling irrationally, I can't believe Esme, the one who's always so motherly and decorous, is organizing a mad dash through a car wash. "Go!"

The next thing I know I'm inside the car wash and I'm being hosed down by huge engine powered jets. Esme and I cheer as the grime slides off of us and we dance around under the spray of water.

Those poor cars have to go through this all the time. It's a nice experience at first but it gets rather painful. Being hit with a pressure washer never is one of the most relaxing experiences you can go through.

Esme tosses me over her shoulder again and leaps over the giant scrubbing and flapping machine's that would most likely suffocate me if I tried walking through.

She shouts, "Close your eyes!" and right as I do so I feel a glop of foamy soap land on my face.

I wipe it off and cup my hands together blowing the soap out into an array of bubbles. Another glob falls on my shoulder and I give myself a beard with it. "Look I'm Abe Lincoln!"

Esme sniggers at me while giving herself soapy sideburns. "I think you're more of a Merlin than an Abe Lincoln."

After a twirl or two in the soap we dart under the water again and I lift my hair up and run my hands through to get all the soap out.

Esme waits, dancing gracefully under a thundering jet as I furiously attempt to get this stupid soap out of my hair.

If my hair wasn't so thick that it absorbed everything like a sponge I wouldn't have this problem. I swear if I ever get gum stick in here it will be a nightmare. I'll have to whack a section of my hair off to get it out.

Once I'm thoroughly soaked but no longer soapy we run to the next part of the car wash, which just so happens to be made up of massive turbo fans.

They're blowing so hard I can't even open my eyes. It feels like that time I stuck my head out of the car window when Alice was driving.

Although in here I don't have to consider the risk of whacking my head into a stop sign.

I frantically grab Esme's arm to anchor me to the floor because the more the wind hits me, the higher I get from the floor.

If I wasn't terrified that I'd slam into the blades I would be thrilled that I was levitating without wires strapped to me.

Esme starts crossing the fan room, bracing me from the worst of the wind and I'm surprised to see we're almost completely dry already.

I scream over the fans, "Could you imagine if this was one of those places where people come out to hand towel the cars?"

She smirks, "The expressions on their faces would be priceless." After a couple more lengthy strides we make it to the exit. Esme tugs me after her and we take a moment to straighten our clothes and in my case attempt to flatten my hair down.

It looks like I engaged and lost, in a fearsome battle with a vacuum cleaner.

A man in overalls walks around the corner as Esme and I quickly dart into the trees. I sit on a tree stump and watch as Esme paces around formulating the details of her plan.

Which by the way, I still have no clue what she's planning in the first place.

"Bella, do you think you can drive the Jeep?" My head snaps up.

"Me? Drive the Jeep? Emmett's Jeep? The Jeep that if I just so much as scratched one millimeter of paint off would cause me years of unnecessary mockery and obliged Mario kart playing?"

Out of all of the horrifying experiences I've been through this reaches up into the top ranks.

Esme shrugs dismissively, "You'll be fine. So here's the plan. You pull the Jeep around by the flower displays and open up the back for me." The way she's smiling doesn't give me any reassurance that this is a good idea.

"And what exactly are you going to be doing with the open back of the Jeep?"

Her eyes sparkle mischievously, "I'm going to be taking my samples."

With that she pulls me from the tree trunk and we run across the street again to the Jeep.

She tosses me the keys, which I manage to drop even though she's standing a whole two feet away from me. "Remember, by the displays. Don't worry, you'll be fine Bella."

I open my mouth to tell her exactly how _not_ fine I will be but she streaks away in a blur of motion before I have a chance. I turn to the Jeep and I feel like it's growing larger as I stare at it. It's getting taller, I swear. Is that possible?

I unlock the door and throw myself across the seat, attempting to pull my body up into the car.

Apparently I seemed to have forgotten that I have the upper body strength of a scrawny ten year old boy; but even that's probably giving me more credit than I deserve.

No matter how weak exactly I am doesn't matter at the moment, I'll use my quick thinking to figure out a way to get in the car.

There's a cricket chirping. That's just hilarious isn't it, what's a cricket doing out at this time of day anyways?

I look around and see a cart that the employees use from the store. Nobody will miss this if I just borrow it for a second or two. Furtively I grab the cart then race back to the Jeep and climb on top.

I easily step from the cart to the seat. There, that problem is solved, now I only have to worry about actually driving.

The first step to safe driving is to put on your seat belt. I look down at the safety harness with an air of determination. I can put this on; it's just a bunch of buckles. I can put this safety harness on.

It turns out safety harnesses may look like seat belts but the name difference is for a reason.

After my seventh failed attempt I give up and decide that I'll drive even slower than I was planning on.

I look around anxiously to make sure there's no one I could possibly hit and groan when I find it clear. I had been hoping that maybe a really slow old man would be walking behind me and I'd have to wait another fifteen minutes for him to pass the car.

Putting the key in the ignition I turn it as if I'm expecting it to detonate any moment. The engine roars loudly making me jump and I take a deep breath planting my hands firmly on the steering wheel.

I put it in drive and barely let my foot touch the accelerator; at the most I'm going four miles per hour. I inch across the parking lot at the same pace to the area with the flowers.

I bet that that cricket who mocked me earlier is hopping past the Jeep twice my speed. Despite the fact that I'm moving so slowly I'm almost going backwards, I carefully steer and park just outside the mesh separation from the store and the parking lot.

I hop down and jog to the back of the Jeep to pull the back open for Esme.

She's behind me instantly with stacked boxes of geraniums in her arms. "I don't think it was possible for you to have gone any slower and still be considered moving."

I shoot her a glare as she deposits the flowers in the car and pulls me back to the store. "I already have them all stacked up, we just need to get them in the car."

After informing me of this she takes a stealthy look around and then goes in for another load.

I feel like an international spy. But my mission isn't saving the world, its stealing geraniums.

I slink after her and crouch next to the flowers. Quickly I stack up as many boxes as I can carry and then scuttle back to the car loading them in.

Esme already has half the Jeep filled. As I put my stack down she unloads another, "This is the last one for here but I found a surplus in the back!"

I wince, "Does that mean I have to move the car again?"

She points to a path that not even one of the headlights would be able to fit through, "Unless you can maneuver through that, no. You just have to keep watch, call for me if anyone comes."

I nod as she disappears once again and then blanch. I'm on guard duty. This is going to be fantastic. I'm terrible at lying in general, not to mention when I'm put on the spot.

What am I going to say if anyone comes over here? I'll just hope really hard that no one does.

I stand anxiously in front of the Jeep peering every time I feel an abnormal gust of wind but I don't see anyone. An ethereal voice mutters, "Last one", just as the owner comes strolling around the mesh.

He stops short upon seeing the Jeep. A scowl appears on his face as he starts speed walking over to me.

This is not good. "Esme!" my voice is barely above a whisper but I hear the back of the Jeep and for some reason the side doors slam shut. She's at my side and lifts me up into, thankfully the passenger seat.

Holy crow! How many flower samples did she take?

The entire Jeep is full of germaniums, including the front. I lift up a couple to sit down and then put them back down on my lap. The engine starts right as he's outside my window.

The owner starts pounding on the side, "What do you two think you're doing? You can't be over here. And is that my merchandise in there? Did you pay for that? I'm going to call the police!"

I point to the window and pretend not to hear him; this involves a lot of shoulder shrugging, shaking my head and over exaggerating the mouthing of 'What?' Esme smirks at him and waves while holding up a geranium sample and giving a thumbs up.

The owner loses his cool and attempts to wrench my door open, before his hand even can make contact with the Jeep Esme slams on the gas and we shoot out onto the main road.

I shriek as a pile of geraniums comes tumbling down on me. I push them back into place and Esme's whole drive-near-the-speed-limit-for-Bella philosophy is thrown out.

She's pushing ninety, sky rocketing us past shocked passersby. I sigh in relief at putting a safe distance between us and that store. "I can't believe we just did that. You might want to tell Emmett to change his license plate or avoid going near this place at all."

Esme laughs, "I did pay, I just left the money in the surplus room. He has no reason to alert the authorities. I also left a brief note it went something along the lines of, 'I checked the price, and the one that was marked on these was the correct one. Here's the money.'"

I snort at this. I'm sure he'll love that. Esme finally slows down to a reasonable speed and I shift around to find a comfortable position. Strangely enough, the geraniums that are invading my personal space don't make great neighbors.

They're much too stingy with car room. I shove a purple one out of my face in irritation as we turn a corner. Thanks to Esme's rather speedy start we get back to the Cullen's not so humble abode in about half the time it took to get there.

She parks and starts unloading the car with vampire speed. I help as well but seeing as how I'm considerably slower it's not too much help to start with. "Esme, where are all of these going?"

I walk blindly forward since the stack of flowers is in the way of my vision. A sudden car door slams and I miss a step almost sending me and the geraniums to the ground.

Cold hands catch me and salvage the flowers in one swift movement.

Emmett eyes the flowers oddly, "Bella, you of all people should not be walking around without looking where you're going."

I huff and decide I should scare him a little for that remark, "Thanks for the advice. By the way, I drove your car today." I take flowers from the top of his stack and start walking away.

Alarmingly fast even at super enhanced standards, Emmett is almost petting his car inspecting it for any possible damage. When he sees what we've packed into it of he's clutching at his chest, perhaps he should become a soap opera actor, he'd do quite well.

"You put flowers in my Jeep! You put hundreds and hundreds of flowers, in my manly, vicious Jeep." I pat him in the shoulder comfortingly.

"Emmett, I think that the Jeep will survive this injustice. If you want, I can chuck some mud at it and make it more 'manly'." He keeps his hand over his chest, gasping, and I roll my eyes and walk away from him. "Esme! Where are you? I don't know where to put the flowers."

Esme calls me over from the back of the house.

As I lug my flowers along I see the pile she has started. "I put a sample of each color inside for Rose to look at; but right now she and Alice are planning hair and makeup, so who knows how long they'll be. Just stack the rest right here."

I drop my pile on top of hers and head back to the car. Emmett is in the same exact position, if anything he's gasping more like he didn't fully grasp the concept before. "Emmett."

He doesn't respond gazing in horror at his flower infested vehicle. "Would you relax? It's really not that bad and we did steal those geraniums. So your Jeep aided in a heist, you should be proud. "

His head whips around to me, "Wait, hold on now. You and Esme _stole_ these flowers." I laugh nervously and grab some more flowers trying to hurry and get in the backyard.

Emmett catches my arm his eyes sparkling like mad. "You two stole flowers! Oh this is priceless!" He dissolves into a fit of hysterics and looks back to his Jeep and laughs even harder. "And you used my Jeep."

I stand beside him with a bored expression and attempt to wrench my arm out of his grasp, "Yes, Emmett, it's a riot isn't it."

He lets me go and takes the flowers from my arms stacking even more on top and shoots off, tossing my over his shoulder along the way.

I shriek as he hurtles to Esme and when he places me back on the ground I clutch my stomach and groan. I'm pretty sure I left it back by the front door.

I sit down wobbling slightly and rest my head in my hands to regain my bearings.

I had been doing so well too, I don't even get nauseous when I run with Edward anymore. I think it was how quickly everything had happened, or possibly the fact that Emmett had me upside down.

Since they know I'm not seriously injured neither of them are too worried. It's slightly upsetting how used to my human issues they are.

I hear Emmett laughing loudly and Esme's voice sounds quite amused as well. She's most likely telling the tale of our grand flower heist. It becomes eerily calm, and I begin to wonder if they've left.

When I open my eyes again I see Esme, Emmett and Edward speaking much too fast for my delicate human ears. So they didn't leave they're just speaking as if I'm not here.

That basically translates into they don't want me to hear what they're saying or they're talking about me. I eye them up suspiciously.

That's when I notice Edward had been watching me the entire time even though he's speaking to Esme and Emmett. When our gaze meets I blush and avert my eyes.

He probably came out after hearing my dulcet tones wondering what bizarre accident I got into this time.

With caution he comes and sits beside me, gently putting his cool hand to my face. Ever since I told him his skin was leagues better than a cold compress he's become my own personal ice pack.

I see Esme and Emmett have mysteriously decided they want to leave the backyard at this particular time.

How tactful they are.

I feel my stomach settling back to where it's supposed to be and the nausea slipping away. "Thanks", I mutter incoherently, purposefully avoiding looking at his face.

"You're welcome." He pulls his hand back and we both sit in uncomfortable silence. This is odd, not that Edward's a chatterbox or anything but he's unusually quiet.

And since when do we sit in awkward silences? Something isn't right here.

My eyes involuntarily travel to him and I have to restrain from snorting. He's avoiding my eyes as well distractedly twirling a twig between his fingers. "Why are you acting strange?"

He lifts his head, looking surprised, "What do you mean?"

I squint at him, why does he look so astonished that I'm speaking to him. "I mean why are you acting so", I flounder for another word but can't find one and finish lamely, "strange."

A small smile graces his lips and he raises his eyebrows, "That's an interesting question coming from the girl who abhors shopping, yet begged Alice and Rosalie of all people, to take her shopping. "

I wince, he does have a point but he's conveniently forgetting the reason why I went. It's too bad I don't have enough energy to be angry with him anymore. "Well perhaps if you had just told me about your birthday I wouldn't have been so irrational."

He turns his focus on twirling the twig once again and then so softly I barely catch it murmurs, "If you're angry with me you can leave, I won't make you stay."

Then it suddenly hits me why he's acting so strange. He thinks that I'm still angry with him.

Honestly, you take this boy's mind reading ability away and he comes to the most ridiculous conclusions. Is he completely oblivious to the fact that I'm not glaring at him, my weak attempts at wrath, or attempting to ignore him?

I sigh in exasperation and take the twig away from him. The speed at which he was twirling it was making me dizzy. "Edward, if I was angry with you would I have come back to your house?"

He smiles sheepishly, "Oh. I thought you were still upset."

I pat him on the head with a pleased expression, "I would be if I didn't already figure out your gift, but I suppose you're forgiven since I wouldn't have told you about my birthday if I could have."

Edward watches me curiously, "You've picked out your gift for me already?"

I nod enthusiastically, "And I haven't told anyone else so you can't find out yet, don't even bother trying."

His calculating expression isn't making me very confident, "Now Miss Swan I don't know if that's quite fair."

I stand up and brush my jeans off, "Because of course using your mind reading ability to see what everyone is planning to get you is."

"Of course." He stands up beside me and takes my hand leading me inside.

As I step through the door Jasper gives me a swift kiss on the cheek and grins at us both. "Now Bella I heard Esme say you were having difficulties with driving above five miles per hour in Emmett's Jeep."

Edward and Jasper snicker at my expense and I shoot them glares. "I wasn't going to risk damaging the Jeep and then be forced into playing hours of Mario Kart to make up for it."

Jasper looks at me approvingly, "Good logic but we're going to have to have to work on that speed fear of yours. And Edward what do you want to know, I can feel your curiosity, just ask me already."

Edward shiftily looks away from me; I told him I didn't tell anyone about his present. I should have expected he would was going to check anyways. "He was trying to see if I told you what I was getting him for his birthday."

Jasper shakes his head at Edward, "Shame on you."

Edward laughs, "That's good coming from you, since at least I know what you've gotten me."

Jasper wiggles his eyebrows at me, "You'll like it Bella, Edward on the other hand."

Edward punches him in the shoulder and then tugs me along to the stairs.

Emmett watches us from the couch as we pass, "Try to restrain yourselves in the bedroom you two, remember Bella he's a minor! We wouldn't want you getting any criminal charges now would we?"

Edward stops in his tracks and tries to regain his composure; I don't even want to know what Emmett's thinking. Apparently Edward isn't very pleased with him though since he grabs a hold of a foot stool and launches it at Emmett's head.

Emmett ducks out of the way and catches it, "What? I'm just thinking the truth."

Before anyone else can harass us Edward quickly pulls me up the stairs to his room. He closes the door and I run to his couch and throw myself on it, curling up into a ball with a contented sigh.

Edward laughs and sits at the end of the couch with his head resting back.

His eyes are closed and when I'm sure of that I stare at him without bothering to blink. His bronze hair is splayed out around his perfect face and I sigh as I study Edward, he's such a beautiful creature.

My fascination with how good his throat looks makes me feel like the vampire in this relationship and I start to giggle.

He opens his eyes and looks at me expectantly, "Yes?"

I debate whether or not to tell him and figure he'll find it amusing as well. "I was just thinking about how I felt like a vampire."

Edward surveys me oddly, "And why is that?"

I blush, "No reason." Naturally he'll believe that. My blushing is like a natural lie detector, it's quite irritating in situations like this.

He moves over on the couch so that now his face is inches from mine and I'm halfway off the couch, but I know I won't fall because he has his arms wrapped around me. "Is that so?"

His cool breathe engulfs me and I try to clear my brain to remember why it would be embarrassing to tell him. But I can't remember what I was even talking about in the first place.

"Why were you feeling like a vampire?"

"Because I was thinking about how nice your throat looked."

He laughs loudly and tips his head back to expose more of his neck. "Does it look delicious?"

I realize what I've just told him and blush even more. I pull away and resentfully take a seat on the ground.

Edward rolls off and sits beside me with his chin resting on his knees; it's strange seeing him in such a human position. "I apologize; I should not have mocked you for finding my throat tempting."

That's when I catch sight of something on the floor a couple feet away and smile hugely. "That's alright; I've come up with a solution to the problem. Close your eyes."

He watches me skeptically, "If you try and bite my neck it would not be funny."

I wrinkle my forehead, "I didn't even think of that until you mentioned it. Just close your eyes please."

With one last suspicious look he closes his eyes. I don't move for a minute or two to make sure he'll stay put then I crawl across the floor and pick up what I saw from the couch.

It's a discarded bow tie beside an empty box.

I keep my back to Edward so he can't see what I'm doing just in case he's peeking. Swiftly I slip it into my pocket and then scramble back to where I was sitting on the floor. "You can open them now."

His eyes flutter open and narrow in on my face. "What did you do?"

I stare at him innocently, "Nothing. Yet that is."

I patiently bide my time until he relaxes and rests his head back again. Once he does I leap forward with the bow tie.

Edward grabs my arm looking at me incredulously, "What are you doing?"

I restrain from rolling my eyes, "Please Edward, just let me put it on you."

Against his better judgment he releases me and I smile pleasantly as I tidily place the bowtie around his neck. "How lovely."

Edward grimaces and itches at it, "I'll bet, but it feels like a noose."

I straighten out the bow tie and slap his hands away as he tries to itch at it again, "I'll gladly wear your bow tie if you'll wear my corset."

He smirks, "Of course, I would switch but I don't think I'll fit in your corset."

I nod, although I'm thinking it probably would. I don't know if he's skinnier than me but if he was that would be mortifying. "I agree you're much too fat. What have you been eating lately? You know all those fatty mountain lions go straight to your hips."

His eyebrows shoot up at me, "You just called me fat." From the glint in his eyes I can tell this won't end well so I leap up and run for the door.

He let's me get to the door but appears in front of the staircase. I debate whether or not to leap from the rail; Edward would most likely catch me.

He watches where my eyes flit to, "I don't think so Bella."

Well that plan is foiled. He advances on me slowly and I frantically look around. I need a new plan, or a mental note not to mock Edward's body fat, not that he has any.

A shrill ringing interrupts our slow motion duel and I sigh in relief, "You should answer that."

Edward grins, "Nice try, but Alice is going to."

He steps forward to toss me effortlessly over his shoulder and starts to take me back to his room. "Now Bella I think we need to finish our talk about the devastating results of my mountain lion diet."

I attempt a feeble wiggle or two to escape his grasp and to no one's surprise I'm still here.

He stops and suddenly places me on my feet. I look around confused at what's happening. "What?"

That's when I see Alice holding the phone out to me, "Bella, it's Renee, she's in town." I take the phone in absolute horror. My mother is here, in Forks? That means she's going to have to meet the Cullen's.

This is going to be chaos.

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A/N: Chapter two! This story keeps getting more and more fun to write as I go. Thank you so much for the reviews everyone, they're what motivated me to get typing more. So I'll once again try to overcome my updating problem. Review if it tips your fancy or I will still keep deluding myself into the fantasy of people reading and not reviewing, it's a nice fantasy. 


	3. Everyone, This Is Renee

Disclaimer: I'll make it easy. Twilight not written by me. There we go.

A/N: Here's number three everyone. I know this may seem like a lie, but the reviews you amazing people leave me really do make me write faster. I just have issues with updating. Plus my final exams are coming up and there's nothing better than completely avoiding studying and writing the next chapter, right?

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**Everyone, This Is Renee**

Slowly I reach for the phone and place it to my ear, "Mom?"

Renee's voice pours through the line, "Bella! Guess what? I'm in town till late tonight. Phil's team is just an hour away and I figured hey, my favorite daughter is living around here. So Charlie gave me the number for the Cullen's."

I glance up to see Edward and Alice staring intently at the phone.

I frown and turn away from them, "That's great Mom."

Her smile is practically radiating through the phone, "So as long as you're already there do you think I could meet them?"

My breath hitches; I shouldn't be caught off guard. She's never been one to beat around the bush; I knew that this would happen eventually. My mother meeting the Cullen's that is, but she wants to meet them right away?

I decide to play it safe and pretend I have no clue what she's talking about. "Meet who?"

Alice gracefully perches on the stair rail right in front of me with a smirk on her face. They really get a kick out of my facial expressions.

I glare at her as Renee snorts, "Who do you think I mean Bella? The Cullen's of course."

"Oh, right. Well um, here Mom, I'll see if that's ok with everyone and then I'll call you back, alright? Where are you?" I need to stall as long as I possibly can.

"I'm just at Charlie's honey, so call back once you know; I'll talk to you soon!"

She hangs up and I stand immobile for a moment or two before Alice takes the phone from me and turns it off.

Edward takes my hand and pulls me towards Carlisle's office, "Come on then."

I try to pull him back, "No, really I can just wait five minutes and call her back and say it won't work out."

Emmett virtually flies up the stairs at this, "Wait! You can't do that!"

That's funny since I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I'm going to do. "And that would be because?"

He looks at me like I'm missing an obvious piece of information, "Because we want to meet her."

Yes well, Emmett also wanted to become a trapeze artist, not all things Emmett want happen.

"You can't all want to meet her can you? I don't know if she'd be able to handle some of you." I try not to pointedly stare at Emmett on that last part.

Edward's face forms into a smug smile, "I have an idea. How about we take a vote, on the topic of meeting your mother."

I blanch, scandalized that he's stolen my idea and even more distraught as I realize they'll all most likely vote 'yes' on this. "Well, I don't know."

But it's too late for my opinion anymore and I glare at Edward, he's putting me in the position he was in when I called a majority vote. It's really not a nice position to be in.

Esme and Carlisle emerge from the office, Jasper races up the stairs and Rose leaves her wedding reception planning to participate.

Edward looks around, "So we are all voting on whether or not to meet with Bella's mother. I'll quicken this up a bit, all those who wish to meet with her, raise your hand."

Every single one of the Cullen's raises their hands and on Emmett's part, both of his hands.

I groan loudly, this is going to be a meeting to remember. "What about when we humans have to eat? It's almost dinner time." I'm grasping for anything at all.

I can just anticipate the types of things my mother is going to bring up. When she had just met Edward she was already talking about how worrying the bond of our relationship.

Renee isn't a shy person; I don't recall ever seeing her embarrassed of anything. When meeting the family of your daughter's love interest this could definitely bring about conversations one would want to avoid in general let alone get into with one's mother.

Jasper eyes me strangely, "Bella, I have no clue how to read what you're giving off right now. It makes no sense at all."

I make an irritated noise, "Well I do want you all to meet Renee. I'm just scared of what's going to happen when she starts talking."

Carlisle waves that aside, "Don't be ridiculous Bella. Alice, Edward and I met your mother in Phoenix. And concerning the food, we'll tell her we already ate but you weren't hungry at the time and just order pizza or something along those lines."

Does he not recall that I was unconscious when they met Renee?

Generally mothers don't gush out terribly embarrassing comments about their potentially dying children. But in this setting it's basically mandatory.

On a positive note, I suppose that is a good solution to the food dilemma. I've lost this battle I mine as well give in.

I grumble under my breath, "Oh never mind."

Esme is glowing, "Then go on and call her back! Get moving everyone we need to get everything ready. I'm so excited! We're meeting Bella's mother! Edward, I was so worried you would never find anyone and now look, we're going to meet Bella's mother!"

Alice hands me the phone again and winks, "Well get on with it. Esme might call herself if you don't move quickly enough."

I dial Charlie's number and wait for someone to pick up. Then I realize that in order for Renee to meet the Cullen's she has to come to their house.

Their house which just so happens to be out of the Forks limits and down an unidentifiable path off of nowhere. "Wait, how is she going to get here? There is no way she'd be able to follow directions. She has problems finding the stop lights one block away from our house, and you can barely see the turn off to your house."

A persistent voice starts up, "Hello? Hello? Anybody there? Hello?" I look around startled then realize it's the phone and put it to my ear hastily.

"Oh! Mom? Sorry, hold on a minute." I rest the phone against my shoulder and watch as Esme frantically rushes around and attempts to send everyone off to do something productive. "Anyone? We've got a problem here."

Edward rolls his eyes, "I'll come pick her up with you."

Esme freezes mid-stride, "I don't think so! You out of everyone have to prepare the most!"

Edward places a hand on her shoulder with concern, "Prepare what exactly?"

She groans in frustration, "Alice, help him! Someone else take Bella."

As everyone runs around in panic I try to interrupt, "I can just go get her by myself you know."

Edward whirls on me, "Are you insane? There is no way I'm letting you take one of our sports cars to pick up your mother. You couldn't even handle Emmett's Jeep and that's the slowest one we own. Plus it's too dangerous for you to be out alone."

Jasper comes over and pushes Edward towards Alice, "Relax. I'll go with Bella if that's alright with you."

Edward falls silent for a moment, quite clearly sifting through Jasper's mind. Whatever he saw must have been alright because he sighs, "Yes it's fine, go ahead."

I put the phone back to my ear, "Mom, are you still there?"

She abruptly cuts off a tune she had been humming, "Yep. So what's the scoop then?"

"They'd love to have you come over. So one of Edward's brothers and I are going to come and pick you up since you'd never be able to find the house. How much time do you need?"

Emmett starts grinning like a madman and whispers something to Rose. She lets out a loud laugh and then covers her mouth. I study them worriedly.

"Does fifteen minutes sound reasonable?" she asks.

I pull my eyes away from Emmett's maniacal beam, "That sounds fine, we'll see you then!" I hang up and once again scrutinize Emmett. "What are you planning? You look guilty."

He looks up at me harmlessly, "The only thing I'm guilty of is planning some good old fashioned, meeting the mother, entertainment."

"What?" I have no clue what he's talking about but it does not sound good.

"Just some parlor activities, you know charades, conversation starters", he trials off and then mutters, "Bringing up extremely humiliating topics relating to Bella."

I squeak on the last one. He shakes his head reassuringly, "Really though it's _mostly_ charades. Does she enjoy them?"

Renee absolutely loves charades. When I was little instead of trying to encourage me to talk she tried to make me act out my motions. When I stopped rubbing my stomach every time I was hungry she was devastated. "Saying she enjoys them is an understatement."

Esme flits by nervously fluttering around, "Why are you all standing here doing nothing? Move, people, move!"

Jasper motions towards the exit, I maneuver around Esme and we start down the stairs. Once at the bottom Jasper leans back, "Edward, by the way, you might want to take off that bow tie you're wearing before she comes."

Even I can hear Edward growl.

I giggle and head to the garage door. Jasper follows, telling me when to move to avoid one of the Cullen's all of whom are running around shouting and rearranging like crazy. I've never seen them so disorderly before.

Jasper nudges me out into the garage, "Let's go before they really start losing it."

He climbs into Rose's car and I get in as well and buckle my seatbelt.

Oh, regular safety device, how I've missed you so.

I stare at Jasper stunned, "You mean they haven't already?"

He laughs, "Are you kidding? This is nothing compared to when Edward was bringing you over. It was complete bedlam."

I frown as I remember my first time at the Cullen's, "But everything was so calm when we came in."

Jasper shudders, "That's what it was meant to look like."

I clear my head of the terrifying thought that things could be even more hectic. That's when I remember my birthday gift idea. "Oh! Jasper, dearest big brother of mine."

He smiles, "Yes, Bella, darling younger sister of mine."

We both catch each others eyes to see who'll crack first. Uttering that phrase in such a formal setting never works. That and also the fact that Edward gets all touchy about the subject and makes odd facial expressions.

I'm holding up surprisingly well, that is until Jasper sings in a French accented voice, "Darling sister of mine."

I choke violently as I start laughing, an unfortunate result of trying to restrain myself.

Jasper helpfully thumps me on the back a couple of times. "Come on now, breathe! I know you can, I see you do it all the time. If I have to do mouth to mouth on you Edward will be very upset."

Instead of helping that makes me laugh even more. I put my hand over my mouth and force myself to swallow to regain my normal respiration rate. "I think I'm good now."

He parks the car and opens my door, "That's a relief. I was worried that your mother would think I had tried to suffocate you on the way here." I step out and start to walk up to Charlie's house.

Jasper pulls me into the trees, "I don't think so. We've got to wait at least ten minutes before we can go up there. Now what were you going to ask me before?"

I sigh exasperatedly and mutter under my breath, "If you didn't drive so fast we wouldn't have this problem." In a louder voice I tell him, "But what I was going to ask is if you wanted to come shopping with me to get Edward's present."

His eyes light up, "Really? When? I'm ready any time."

I grin, "Good, because I'm not telling you anything else right now. When the time comes you will know."

That was creepily prophetic.

I'm planning on calling one day when I'm working to have Jasper come and help me pick out something to send Phil. Then, when he comes we'll go to the mattress store, but he can't know anything until that point. If he does the surprise will be ruined.

I've also thought ahead to when Edward talks to Jasper after shopping with me.

I'm going to constantly bring up really awkward situations for me, but pleasant ones for him concerning Alice. Then whenever Edward asks about what we did he'll inadvertently think back to Alice. I'm a genius!

He looks at me with interest, "It's really good isn't it." He doesn't phrase it as a question.

I nod excitedly, "Probably the best birthday gift I've ever thought of in my entire life, when comparing it to yours it seems minuscule but try to sympathize."

Jasper rolls his eyes, "Even if I can't relate with your age I can with trying to get Edward a gift. Since he already knows what I'm getting him there's no point in you not knowing." He trails off looking to the house with his eyes widening and a chuckle escapes from his lips.

I strain my ears but only hear a bird chirping. Not surprisingly, I can't detect the conversation through the walls of the house that's over fifty feet away.

"What did she say?" I ask demandingly.

He looks at me trying to hold a straight face, "All I have to say is you were right to be scared, if she brings up something like that in front of Emmett your face might permanently become red."

Of course, I wouldn't expect anything less of Renee. I had just been hoping against all logic that she had miraculously become more appropriate since the last time I've seen her. I groan and bring my hand to my head, "Why me?"

Jasper lounges back against a tree, by far beating out any well known model in looks and expert casual stance. "It'll be fine. Don't you want to know what I got Edward?"

He looks far too excited for it to be something Edward actually would enjoy. No matter how much I love Edward I can't help but enjoy irritating him, it's quite amusing. "What did you get him?"

"I got him a lava lamp!"

I stare at him and then grin happily, "I love lava lamps! Why doesn't Edward?"

Jasper smirks, "Well to understand the whole story we have to go back to the sixties. Everyone had a lava lamp back then, everyone that is except Edward. We always tried to make him get one but he refused. So then years later Emmett made a comment that lava lamps were like aphrodisiacs in the form of brightly lit blobs of color that move like amoebas. Obviously to him Edward's prudish nature explained why he hated lava lamps."

I snort at Emmett's comment, only he can come up with those sorts of phrases. I've always meant to ask him if that was a vampire thing he picked up or if he was always that strange.

I still don't entirely get why Jasper finds this gift so hilarious, "So you got him one because he hates them?"

He looks at me amused, "You really need to think with your mind in the gutter more often or you're going to turn out like Edward. I got him a lava lamp because now he can actually use an aphrodisiac."

I blush and turn to look at the house, "Can we go get her yet? If I'm going to have to suffer from comments about the physical contact between Edward and me we should just go get Renee and have her join in as well."

Jasper ruffles my hair in affection, "I'd be far more worried of what's going to happen back at the house when that subject is brought up."

I wince, "You think I'm not? I was the one trying to prevent her from coming over."

He shrugs, "You'll survive. It's not like other kids don't have to go through the whole uncomfortable meet the parent's ordeal."

I stare at him incredulous, "And do you often recall many stories about girls taking their mothers, whom are more immature than them, to their vampire love interest's house to meet the rest of his vampire family?"

Jasper sighs, "No Bella, you'd be the first for that one; would you like a book deal for that?"

Shooting him a glare I impatiently grab his wrist to check the time, "Can we go yet? I want to get this over with as soon as possible." I've been preparing myself mentally for the onslaught of embarrassment I'll be facing.

Right not I'm at a point where I'm willing to take it, but if I wait too much longer I know I'm going to chicken out.

He gracefully rises to his feet and pulls me along with him, "Yes we can go now. Are you ready?"

A rush of panic leaps up in the pit of my stomach and I take a deep breath. Tranquility flows through me and I half-heartedly hit Jasper as we walk up to the door.

I wish I could tell him to stop messing with my emotions but I'm hoping he keeps me calm so I don't have an anxiety attack over this.

I lean forward and knock lightly on the door. It flies open and Renee is standing in front of me smiling brightly.

She looks the same as always and if I didn't know better I would say she hasn't aged a bit. "Mom!"

She pulls me into a hug; Charlie and I are the ones with the reluctance to show affection to one another. "Bella, I've missed you so much! It's nice to be able to visit you while you're not half dying or acting hysterical."

On that last note I see Jasper lower his head shamefully out of the corner of my eyes. He still feels as if the Cullen's leaving was his fault.

Apparently my telling him at least daily that it wasn't and that I don't blame him hasn't actually stuck in that head of his.

It's truly scary how close I feel to the Cullen's, as if I'm actually related to them. But as I watch Jasper dejectedly scuff his feet I feel so terrible for making him feel this way.

I turn Renee towards Jasper and grab his hand to tug him forward, clinging to his arm with a stupid smile on my face. He snickers lightly as I motion from him to my mother and back, "Mom, this is Edward's brother, Jasper. Jasper, this is my mother."

Jasper shoots her a pleasant smile, "It's a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance."

Renee eyes him approvingly, and smoothly responds, "Well I don't know about that but please do call me Renee."

If it wasn't for her awed expression you wouldn't be able to tell she was affected by how beautiful he is at all. "So are we going yet or what?"

I roll my eyes, "We parked on the street." With that we all turn and walk to the road. When Renee sees Rose's car her eyes become as wide as saucers. "That's the _car_?"

Jasper laughs at her reaction, "Wait till you see what else we've got in our garage. You can see the beast Bella drove."

Renee looks to me questioningly and I shake my head, "Just don't ask."

My mom and I slide into the back seat and as I get in I whisper for only Jasper to hear, "Remember to drive like a normal person. If you get anywhere near seventy Charlie will hear about it and I'll never be able to ride with you again."

He grimaces, "Yeah, yeah I know. I hope you realize how painful this is for me. You'd better act very excited about that lava lamp just to spite Edward as my compensation for this."

I giggle and turn to Renee, "So has being here made you nostalgic or relieved?"

She sighs over dramatically, "Very relieved. Not that I don't like seeing you. It's more of a whole new appreciation my life outside of Forks once I leave."

I nod; I used to feel that way too. Until I discovered how lovely gloom could be.

Renee turns her head to the front of the car, "So Jasper, are you done with high school then?"

Jasper, thankfully not taking his eyes off the road and turning around, a habit he does quite often with me; answers her. "Yes, Rosalie, Emmett and I all graduated from Forks last year."

Renee nods appreciatively and nudges me with her elbow, "So you're the only high schooler here."

I grin, "Woe is me."

Even though Jasper drives slowly by his standards he's still pushing it and we get to the Cullen's faster than we legally should have. I think that's as good as I'm going to get. Renee climbs out of the car and her jaw drops.

She's clutching onto the car door gaping at the house, "This is where they _live_?"

Jasper watches her face, amused and murmurs for only me to hear, "Her facial expressions are even more entertaining than yours."

I push the door shut and wave Renee forward, "Come on, the inside is even more beautiful."

As we're walking I can see Jasper trying to restrain from laughing. I shoot him a curious look and he mouths, "You'll see." I sigh and watch as Renee stares at everything we pass in awe.

She tugs me closer to her side, "I know Dr. Cullen is a doctor but I didn't realize they were this loaded. Boy, did I ever go into the wrong profession. The closest I've ever been to someone who owned this much money was when Donald Trump was on the same train as me. Of course he was in a deluxe car and I was jammed in storage with five other people but still."

I snort and hop up to the door and open it letting everyone inside. Jasper calls out, quite unnecessarily, "We're back!"

I look around as I frown, where are they? Jasper motions towards the living room and I stumble forward to peer in.

What I see nearly causes me to collapse; I bite down on my lip to prevent from laughing.

They're all sitting in casually relaxed stances; the only problem is I know it's forced.

Rose is flipping through her magazines again and while we're all used to the enormous stacks surrounding her she looks a little crazy. Alice is reading aloud to Emmett from a book that's thicker than her waist about tree species.

Edward is playing the piano effortlessly and looking quite bored then the best part. Esme and Carlisle, who just so happen to be playing a quick round of chess.

Jasper meets my eyes but then we both have to look away quickly before we start to laugh. Now I know what he means by how they're meant to look composed.

Renee surveys everyone with interest.

Esme raises her head as if startled by our arrival, "Oh! You're back! Dear, we'll have to finish this game later." Carlisle dissembles the chess board and turns to us with a welcomingly smile.

He steps forward and shakes hands with my mother, "I don't know if you remember me but I'm Edward's father, please call me Carlisle."

Renee shakes his hand, "I do remember. It's nice to see you again." Then to everyone else she smiles, "Hello, I'm Renee, please don't call me anything else or I will be offended."

Esme beams, "I'm so happy to finally meet you! I'm Edward's mother, Esme."

Renee shakes her hand as well, "Esme, I'm happy to meet you to. Bella's told me stories about how good you are to her."

Esme looks at me in surprise but squeezes my hand pleased that I've spoken about her to someone I care about so much.

Alice dances up, "We also met in Phoenix but I'm Alice and I have to say I'm much more contented to meet you now that Bella's not currently in critical condition."

Renee laughs, "Me too, it's great to see you again."

Emmett comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist placing me securely to sit upon his shoulder. Renee stares in surprise at how huge Emmett is.

Everyone is intimidated at first but once you get to know him Emmett's like a giant teddy bear. Unless of course you piss him off then he's not too friendly.

He winks at Renee, "Hello, you've raised a fine young woman here; by the way I'm Emmett."

Renee flits her eyes to mine obviously amused by Emmett's behavior, "Thank you and it's nice to meet you Emmett." He walks over to the couch and playfully drops me down.

I rest my chin on the cushion as I watch Rose leave her magazines to stand beside Renee, "Hello, I'm Rosalie."

My mother smiles and looks at her with interest, "Were you looking at wedding magazines?"

Rose shrugs, "A few, Emmett and I were married earlier this year, and I'm planning the reception."

Renee stares at her in shock, "You're married? But you're so young; don't you think that's jumping the gun?"

Emmett's laugh booms through the room, "We've both put a lot of thought into it and we can't live without each other." I roll my eyes, after over twenty weddings I'm pretty sure they know what they're doing.

Renee still blankly gawks; from the piano bench Edward meets my eyes. I know what he's thinking about. The proposal, yet again. I hope he doesn't ask Renee about it, that'd be one more mortifying conversation I would like to avoid.

Edward gets up, "As already mentioned you've met me before in Phoenix, I'm Edward."

Renee scrutinizes him and I can tell by the look in her eyes she's still stunned by how good-looking he is, not just Edward either. "Yes of course, it's good to see you Edward."

Jasper smirks at Edward and they exchange a glance. An awkward silence falls on the room as we all look at each other unsure of what to do next.

Luckily, or unluckily depending on how you look at it Emmett butts in. "So who here enjoys playing limbo?"

Renee just chuckles, "Maybe in a little bit, but Esme and Carlisle do you mind if I have a little chat with you two in the other room?"

The three of them get up and leave to the kitchen. Edward swivels to us, "We'll just leave them to that. Let's all go out and admire the scenery or something else far, far away from here."

Alice stands in front of the door, "Not a chance, we're listening to this."

It seems as if they all know what's happening, all of them except me. "Hello? I can't hear through walls, what are they talking about?"

Edward seems embarrassed but Emmett, being the kind soul he is answers for him, "Your mom is going to talk to them about your physical relationship with Edward here. She wants to make sure you're both properly informed. Oh, this is going to be good."

All the blood rushes to my face and I groan. "No! Let's not listen, you see Edward I told you this would be a bad idea!"

He shoots me an exasperated look, "Isn't it worse not knowing what she's saying?"

Where is he going with this? Of course it's worse but it's not like I can run up to the door and smash my ear up to the keyhole. "Your point?"

Edward takes my hand, "If we sneak outside the window you can hear."

As we start to leave, my dear almost-siblings all tag along. I scowl in confusion.

Alice floats alongside me, "What's the point of eavesdropping on this if we can't see your and Edward's reactions."

With a huff I slip out the door after Edward. He motions for me to crouch down and I do a strange crab like walk to scuttle underneath the window sill.

Moving with much more ease than I, everyone sits against the house. Thankfully Emmett isn't under the sill otherwise he would break it trying to huddle beneath the ledge.

Renee's voice carries through the window, "So Bella and Edward have been dating for a very long time now."

Carlisle sounds amused, "Yes, they have."

After a pause my mother continues, "Well I haven't really talked to Bella about being with a boy because she never dated in Phoenix, and I don't see her much here. Have you talked with Edward about being safe and the risks of taking their relationship further?"

Edward winces and drops his head into his hands as I stuff my fist into my mouth to prevent from screaming. Jasper's shoulders are shaking so hard that an entire tree is violently trembling and a disoriented bird flies out in confusion.

After a long pause Esme answers, "Of course. Since Carlisle is a doctor we've told him in even more detail all we could to make sure he chooses the responsible thing to do. All in all Edward and Bella are very well disciplined; they're never throwing themselves at each other or acting inappropriately."

Renee snorts, "Aren't all kids? One minute they're just holding the hands the next you have grandchildren."

I bury my head into my arm. If only I could tell her she has no reason to worry about grandkids. Not that would really help. But never once has this subject come up with Esme and Carlisle.

Never even once. They make some side comments and joke around with us but they have never organized a confrontation.

Honestly, they let Edward come and sleep in my bed every night.

At least I'm an only child. If my sibling had to go through this as well I don't think I would be able to tolerate it.

With a sigh and a scraping of a chair I can hear them all take a seat. Renee continues on, "I do trust Bella; it's just more complicated as they get older. This would be so much easier if Edward were uglier. He's so good-looking that I'm afraid they're just going to start going at it in front of me."

A huge splintering noise makes my head shoot up.

I see Emmett's head plowed straight through the wall. His entire body is convulsing in out of control laughter and everyone except Edward and I are no better.

Alice is hunched over pounding the ground, Jasper is hysterical, rocking back and forth and Rose has her sweater over her face in an attempt to muffle her raucous laughter.

Edward looks absolutely stunned; he's opening and closing his mouth with no sound coming out. His eyes are wide in mortification, when he turns them to me I blush so deeply I'm surprised my hair doesn't light on fire and close my own eyes tightly.

I hear Renee get up, "Do you hear that?"

Instantaneously the noise halts and we become jarringly silent. Carlisle wanders over to the window and sticks his head out pretending to look in the distance for the source of noise.

Surveying us below him he sends Edward a brief pitying glance and then shrugs, "Must have been a bird running into the window or something."

Renee clears her throat, "Oh, ok. Well I suppose we should get back in there. Everyone is probably wondering what we're doing in here. I'm just glad we've talked about this."

Her chair scrapes across the floor again and hurriedly we scramble back into the room. Resuming similar positions to when she first arrived I attempt to appear nonchalant.

As if I didn't just listen to my mother saying some of the most humiliating things I've heard in my entire life.

Emmett hasn't stopping smiling and when the parental units join us once again he's on his feet immediately, "Now who's up for some ice breaker games? We can either do charades or limbo first. Renee you get to choose since you're the guest of honor of course."

Renee looks thrilled by these choices of entertainment, "Limbo first then charades, we'll save the best for last."

Emmett grabs Jasper and within a few minutes they return to set up a bamboo pole across actual limbo prop sticks with different levels. Alice scampers over to a cabinet and pulls out a portable stereo, when she pushes play Caribbean music blares through the room.

Rose sighs heavily and stands beside me, "I hate this game."

I agree sullenly, "Possibly the worst game ever invented. It requires balance and flexibility; does Emmett seriously expect me to play?"

Before I can react Emmett forcibly removes me from my spot as far from the limbo bar as possible to the front of the line, "Yes, I do seriously expect you to play limbo. Now get a' bending under that bar!"

I defiantly stand my ground, "You're either very optimistic or very delusional. Whichever one it is doesn't matter because there is no way I am going under that willingly."

He grabs a fistful of my shirt and pulls me into a back bend then shoves me under the limbo pole. Disgruntled I tug my shirt back into place and send him a baleful look.

Emmett smiles innocently, "Don't look at me like that. If you weren't going to go willingly then you were going to go unwillingly because we are playing limbo. Who's next?"

I've never held such contempt for a game in all my life. I was doing pretty well towards the beginning; my height already gave me an advantage. I could just lean back a little and fit the first few rounds.

It started going down hill when I had to actually be nimble.

After I fell on my back four rounds in a row Emmett announced that I had one more chance then I was out. In that last chance I hit my head on the bar as well as falling flat on my back.

Needless to say once Rose figured out she could escape as well she "clumsily" fell forward and knocked the entire limbo set down. Emmett tried to force her to stay but Carlisle saw how desperate she was and let her go.

With a very pleased look Rose sat beside me and we watched the others.

Alice who is the poster child of limbo, tiny and limber did very well. The final two were surprisingly my mother and her. Everyone else held out to a few rounds before the end though.

Jasper's chin hit the bar, supposedly. There was a huge dispute on this event and we're not really sure.

Carlisle just got bored and bumped the bar, gracefully taking his exit. For once Emmett's physique was his down fall. He couldn't even argue he didn't hit it because when the bar got knocked off it got stuck up the sleeve of his shirt.

Esme got distracted at one point when the Caribbean music got louder during a song and bumped it.

Personally I enjoyed watching Edward the most. I may have a slight bias here but I think he did wonderfully. Even though he is a fair deal taller than Alice or my mother he always managed to lean back elegantly to fit beneath.

Watching him arch under the pole and turn his victorious eyes to me gives me urge to be closer to him.

Now we can look at each other without being overwhelmingly embarrassed. We've managed to suppress the horrific conversation from the kitchen, for now at least.

Jasper, who has on my other side, has been silent since he was "unjustly" removed from the game. That is until finally he whispers into my ear, "Do you just want me to think for him to hit the pole so he can get out of the game for you."

I turn to him puzzled, "Why? He's doing really well."

Jasper gives me an exasperated look, "Bella, I can sense your emotions and right now I should probably give Edward his lava lamp and let you two be for what you're feeling."

Right as he's finishing his sentence Edward bumps the pole. I blush when he comes over with an amused smile looking between Jasper and I.

With a huff I avoid his eyes, "You better not have done that just from hearing the conversation Jasper and I were having."

Edward pulls me to my feet and then takes my seat gently placing me back down on his lap. "And if I were to say I missed being near you as well?"

I give him a kiss on the cheek while muttering, "Suck-up". I'm fully aware of the fact that Renee is staring at us and curl my legs up relaxing as he slides his fingers through my hair.

Renee and Alice just keep going round by round and the bar is disgustingly close to the ground. How can my mother, my own flesh and blood be so flexible? Shouldn't I have inherited at least some of it?

The height of the bar doesn't deter them and they keep going until finally Esme mercifully offers to call pizza for Renee and I. Of course, politely explaining they've already eaten earlier.

Alice and Renee declare a mutually agreed upon tie and they take a seat as seeing how everyone else already was.

When Esme walks back into the room after calling she turns off the music. I was expecting to be blissfully relieved but the irritating music is stuck in my head. I can't escape it no matter what.

Renee keeps shooting furtive glances at Edward and me. He behaves and only runs his fingers through my hair or lightly across my shoulders but no where else.

After a few minutes of silence Rose pokes me in the side, "Bella, do you want to go shopping for shoes and accessories tomorrow?"

I flinch and try to think of something, anything that could get me out of shopping. I've already done my civic duty by going and spending more than half my day shopping.

Emmett catches my eye, "Sorry Rose, Bella and I already have plans for tomorrow."

I squint at him in confusion. What is he talking about?

Rose turns to me, "Really?"

Frantically I scramble for something to say. To go along with Emmett or not? I don't know what I should do. Making a snap decision I stutter out, "Er, uh, yes. I forgot that was tomorrow already!"

Emmett shoots me a huge smile as Rose looks between us skeptically, "What exactly is it that you two are going to be doing?"

As he's about to respond she interrupts, "I'd like for Bella to tell me."

Rose fixes her gaze on me and I wave sheepishly, "Yes?"

She sighs, "What are you two doing tomorrow?"

Shiftily I try to come up with something. My lying has improved since I've had to protect my family of vampires but it's still severely lacking. "I don't know."

Edward snorts and turns my head so that I can see his face. As in he's going to try and dazzle me. This will be interesting since I honestly have no clue what Emmett is talking about. "Come on Bella, what are you doing tomorrow with Emmett?"

His eyes are swirling and I can feel my breathing quicken but I still tell him, "I don't know."

Edward frowns, "What do you mean you don't know?" He looks over to Emmett and stares him down trying to read his mind and figure it out.

If he does then everyone will know we're lying and I'll have to go shopping again! I can not let that happen.

The panic that sets in kicks me into self defense mode and I blurt out, "I don't know because it's a secret. Emmett told me a month ago he had a surprise for me."

Rose looks at me suspiciously again and then shrugs, "Ok whatever. We'll go some other time. Alice and I can get everything set in stone for hair and makeup then; we'll go some other time."

I sigh in relief as the doorbell rings and Alice leaps to her feet and runs to the front door. She skips back with a pizza in one hand and bread sticks in the other, she makes sure to look me straight in the eye as she goes, "Mmmm, smells like garlic!"

Everyone chuckles as Renee looks at us all oddly. Esme ushers my mother and I into the kitchen, "Time to eat now, I don't want anyone hungry in my house."

Again everyone breaks into snickers at this and Jasper winks at me. Edward follows behind me with an exasperated sigh.

I pull out a chair in the kitchen and sit beside Renee. Esme and Edward pretend to not be listening over by the counter as we start to eat.

I take a bite of pizza and feel my mother staring at me the entire time. Hoping if I ignore her and keep eating she'll stop I do exactly that.

Unfortunately she seems really focused on staring at me and after a while clears her throat to get my attention. I look up acting as if I was completely oblivious to the fact that she was staring a hole through my head. "Yes?"

Renee smiles at me, "Bella I'm really glad I got to meet the Cullen's and that I get to visit with you. I never see you anymore."

I smile back and pull her into a hug, "I'm really glad to Mom, it's nice to have you around."

We continue eating in silence and end up devouring everything. Emmett bounds into the kitchen seconds after we're done and cleans up our dishes for us. "Come on it's time for charades!"

With a groan from me and a squeal from Renee we trial back into the room, and I wait for Edward to sit then take my place on his lap once again. Alice pulls out a bowler hat that looks oddly familiar.

Carlisle nods to me and I snort, it's the hat that Jasper despises. I watch him as he glares angrily at the hat and purposefully turns away from it.

Alice shakes the hat full of laminated cards with acts for the charades invitingly.

The Cullen's are hardcore charade players. "Renee, you get first pick."

My mother digs around in the hat for a while until she finds a satisfactory card and then reads it. Getting to her feet she starts miming something.

As everyone falls quiet to watch her, my exhaustion hits me full force. I don't regularly wake up at 6 o'clock when I have the opportunity to sleep in. Plus all the running around that we did wore me out.

I snuggle into Edward as my eyes flutter shut.

A sudden motion launches me into consciousness. I rub my eyes and look around dazedly, "Wha?"

Edward rubs my arms slowly, "We're done playing charades. You passed out right as we were starting. Alice wanted to wake you up but we figured you needed to sleep."

I blink rapidly to regain my sight and stretch my arms up as Renee pats me on the head. "We should get you home and I need to get back to the hotel or Phil will think I've been kidnapped, again."

I fight back a yawn and giggle at this, "Alright, who's taking us back to my Dad's then?"

Esme offers to and Renee gets up to say goodbye to everyone. I watch as she walks around talking to the Cullen's and I get stricken with a sense of surrealism.

My mother has actually survived meeting the Cullen's. I don't mean that literally either. And surprisingly, or not mattering on how you look at it she seems to really like Emmett. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing.

Edward nudges me to my feet, "You should go. I'll see you in a little while."

I wave to everyone as we leave and Emmett leans towards me, "Come on over whenever you wake up tomorrow and we'll go."

I nod and follow my mother and Esme. I'm not very comfortable with this "event" Emmett has planned tomorrow but I suppose anything is better than shopping.

Esme ushers us into Carlisle's car and Renee gawks yet again for five minutes. I have to physically push her into the seat so we can leave. Esme drives us to Charlie's at a human speed and as we climb out gives Renee a hug.

I smile broadly and my mother and I wave as she drives away.

I turn to her, "So do you want to come in for a while or just head out right away?"

She gives me a long look, "I should just head out right away. Bella, I know I already told you this, but I'm really glad I got to spend time with you."

This feels like déjà vu but I pull her into a hug, "Me too, Mom, me too."

She wipes at her eyes hurriedly and I respectfully pretend not to notice.

I walk with her to her car and she gets in and smiles at me one last time, "Take care sweetie. I don't have to worry about you here because I know the Charlie and the Cullen's have everything under control."

I snort but nod along with her, "Drive safe Mom, and call me more often! I love you."

She pats my hand, "I love you too Bella. Sleep well!"

With that she speeds out of the driveway and I can't help but see the irony. She married a law abiding man and I forced my speed addicted comrades to slow down for my mother, but she drives at their speeds anyways.

I turn back to the house and make my way to the door. At least I won't have any problems sleeping tonight, Edward's coming and I'm already half asleep right now.

The only thing that's nagging me is Emmett's "surprise".

Let's just hope this surprise won't involve a trapeze because if I have to wear a sequined leotard again I will be none to happy.

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A/N: Ah, Renee. So there you go next chapter, nice and long like you want them. It's the least I can do with the amount of time it takes me to update. Review if you'd like and remember if you don't my ego is getting 


	4. Emmett's Surprise Involves a Sumo Suit?

Disclaimer: Twilight? Mine? Not quite. 

A/N: I'm so terribly sorry about this update, I think it's the worst of them all so far. I'll keep this short so you can get to reading but I thank you all TREMENDOUSLY for the positive reviews. They really do keep me typing and now I'll shut up.

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**Emmett's Surprise Involves a Sumo Suit? **

I was so tired last night that Edward actually woke me up worried that I was suffering from some health ailment because my breathing was so deep. No I am not kidding, imagine my surprise at being shaken awake and asked if I feel like I'm functioning properly.

Besides that interruption it was quite a nice night.

I'm not sure exactly what time it is right now but I feel well rested which is all that really matters on a weekend. I grope around my dresser for the clock but a hand intertwines with mine and pushes it beneath the covers. "It's ten, Charlie already left and you're not going to meet Emmett till at least noon."

Laughing I roll myself closer to him, "Isn't that one of those warning signs of an abusive relationship?"

He brushes the hair out my eyes and gently kisses my forehead, "What? Your father going fishing?"

I roll my eyes as I struggle to sit up and scoot closer to the edge of the bed. "No, the not letting your partner go out bit."

He loops his arm around my waist and pulls me back down onto the bed looking at me with a mischievous expression, "Is it my fault I don't want to share you?"

I need to go to the bathroom to make myself presentable; I probably have terrible morning breath. "I'm sure that's what they all say." Pathetically I attempt to get out of his grasp again but he tightens his hold on me.

After a moment I sigh, "I can't even call you abusive when I'm kidding."

He surveys me with interest, "And why is that?"

Watching the dim light dance across the ceiling I mutter reluctantly, "Out of the two of us I am far more abusive than you are."

He grins at this and loosens his hold on me, "Go have your human moment already, my arm hurts from trying to pin you down."

I send him a mock glare and hit his shoulder. As I'm halfway out of the room I realize that's just proving my point and throw up my arms, "You see that! I am abusive."

He chuckles at me as I head to the bathroom and lock the door. I do all my bathroom essentials such as toilet, shower, toothbrush and then tug on jeans and a sweater.

The weather has been pretty tolerable lately and by that I mean only long sleeves instead of long sleeves and a jacket. I go back to my room to see Edward still lying lazily across my bed.

He smiles at my return and I grin as well, "I've got to make my bed." He obligingly moves to the rocking chair as I straighten my bed up and fold my pajama's. With that done I throw myself back down on top of the sheets and take a deep breath.

A weight on my right sinks the bed down and I slide in that direction. Edward braces his arm against me and leans forward to lightly press his lips against my collar bone. I close my eyes as he leaves lingering kisses along my jaw.

With a smirk he pulls away and sprawls beside me sighing contently. Not wanting to break contact with him I languidly prop myself up onto my elbow and with my other hand trace the contours of his cheekbones.

He watches my every move and once I finish with tracing his face I run my fingers through his hair.

A bird chirps loudly outside my window and makes me jump. Edward tries to cover up his grin as I give the bird an affronted glower. "I believe it's time for you to eat."

I wistfully gaze at his hair. I've never really gotten to touch his hair as much as I'd like. We're always interrupted or I get too distracted to remember that I want to.

He pulls me to my feet and leads the way to the kitchen, "What would you like to eat this morning?"

'I'm Edward Cullen and I learned how to cook and now I have to cook everything I can. Let's just make Bella's own father prefer my cooking over Bella's. Let's not let Bella cook at all since she's so much worse than me.'

Stupid vampire who shouldn't know how to cook but was trying to impress me and show he cared about me and my human needs.

How is it that his perfection even has perfect reasoning? Life is not fair.

I decide since he's stolen my position as head cook I am allowed some sort of scornful resentment. "Well I was thinking a frightened elk might be delicious."

Edward looks at me exasperatedly, "Bella, please."

I gaze at him innocently, "What? It'd be early morning protein, would it not?"

His expression doesn't change and I unceremoniously sit on top of the kitchen table cross-legged, "Fine, be that way. I'd like some French toast."

Before I can even pretend that I'm bored there's a plate of steaming, ideal French toast with the syrup already warmed up and a glass of milk right in front of me. I lean over my plate and pick up the fork to start eating.

Edward watches with the same fascination as always, I never understand how interesting it is to watch someone's jaw move around. He could have watched anyone whenever he felt like it in the school cafeteria but apparently he's particular about which human he watches.

In between a mouthful I look over to Edward, "So last night was interesting."

He grins, "Yes it was. I don't think limbo is one of your fortes."

I shove more French toast into my mouth and swallow, "Don't even ok; I have a bruise on the back of my head. I think I did the best when Emmett forced me under."

At this Edward seems mildly apologetic, "I am sorry about you falling but since I was near the end of the line my shooting forward to catch you wouldn't have been very acceptable with your mother there."

I nod understandingly and make sure my face is turned from his as I lift the milk to my lips, "So has the hole that Emmett put in the wall been fixed?"

He coughs self-consciously, "Carlisle made him repair it last night."

I nod, "So what are you planning on doing today?"

Edward takes my empty dishes to the sink for me as he answers, "Well I'm spending my time with you until you need to meet Emmett for your mysterious plans. After that I think Jasper and I are going to come up with a place to hide our wedding outfits in."

I wag my finger at him in a scolding manner, "Alice will know where they are and you had better wear your top hat mister."

He raises his eyebrow at me, "Or what?"

I huff and clamber off of the table to go look out the window. There's no use in even responding, the only thing I can think of that's mildly threatening is to glue the top hat to his head but that wouldn't end well.

It's mildly bright but not actually sunny so after sneaking a look at Edward I run for the door. Once outside I attempt to climb _the_ tree. Ever since I first laid eyes on this tree with its spindly limbs I've had the biggest urge to climb it.

Unfortunately it turns out that rain makes trees rather soggy and none to desirable for climbing. And even more surprising than that is that it tends to rain constantly in Forks.

I've got my hand wrapped around a branch and am about to jump up when Edward holds me in place, "Do you need any help?"

I cross my arms and look at him fiercely, "Are you trying to imply that I am unable to climb this tree without your help?"

He lifts his hands up in defense and backs away from me, "No I was not, I was just wondering if you needed help but you obviously don't so climb away."

I step around the tree to get a full view and blanch, this tree is huge. Maybe a look at it before I blew up and lectured on my independence might have helped. Well, I suppose I need to find a sturdy branch.

Tentatively I poke at a promising one, this poke triggers a giant slab of bark to slide off the branch and land at my feet with a thump. Hm, guess not.

Edward chuckles at me as I defiantly pick up the bark and inspect it. He is not going to get the satisfaction of knowing I can't do this by myself. "Aha! Just as I expected."

With his eyebrow raised Edward smirks at me, "And what would you be expecting out of tree bark?"

I hesitate for a moment, "Well that it was loose, obviously. Now be quiet I can't be distracted when I'm trying to climb unless you want me to fall."

His eyes are bright with amusement but he doesn't answer and just keeps watching me. I sigh deeply and then decide to just go for it. Wrapping my arms around a strong branch I wrench myself a few inches from the ground and then stumble back down.

Upper body strength, why must you mock me in this way?

I jump up again and of course start to slip back down but before I can I quickly swing my legs up and cling to the branch. Now I'm off the ground and vaguely resemble a sloth without the creepy long claws.

I do have a whole lot of hair hanging in my face though. Edward comes closer to the tree probably to try and catch me if I fall.

He stops as I attempt a stern expression, most likely understanding my intent, because as seeing I'm upside down looking like Cousin It and glowering I'm probably not looking very imposing at the moment.

I wrap my legs around the tree tighter and try to inch forward, in reality I accidentally let go with my arms and end up hanging completely upside down swinging wildly.

Edward's hands are on my shoulders lifting me up before I even realize that I've slipped and I wave him away indignantly, "I _meant_ to do that."

Warily he backs away, "Sure you did, but if you fall off I am catching you whether you like it or not."

Tightening my legs around the branch I grin at him, the blood is rushing to my head, but I haven't done this since the fourth grade. I invitingly pat the branch, "Edward, you know you want to."

He laughs as I wiggle my eyebrows and once again pat the space next to me, "Come on, you're missing out! Do you see all the fun that I'm having?"

With an exaggerated sigh Edward swiftly climbs the branch and is hanging upside down beside me.

He looks at me with a slightly disturbed expression, "I feel like I'm succumbing to the classic myth of hanging upside down like bats."

I nudge him with my elbow and giggle, "Its fun though isn't it?"

He turns his head to me, his hair chaotically hanging into his face, "Yes Bella, this is so thrilling I'm glad I joined you."

As we swing from the tree Edward suddenly looks towards the road, "Someone's coming." I strain myself to hear what he's talking about. A rumbling of a car gets closer and he relaxes, "It's just the UPS delivery man."

I watch with interest as the giant brown truck stops in front of my house and a man hops out with a package. He starts walking up the driveway and as he nears the door he turns and sees Edward and me hanging upside down in the tree grinning at him like idiots.

"Uh...I need someone to sign for the package." Walking towards us like he's afraid we're going to assault him he holds out the clipboard tentatively.

I reach out and grab it from him squinting in concentration as I scribble out my signature. Edward cocks his head at the man, "Nice weather we're having today isn't it?"

The UPS man looks at him startled, "Yes, I suppose."

I hand back the clipboard and he gives me the package in exchange. I smile and point downward, "Thank you, would you mind just putting it at the bottom of the tree?"

He places it on the grass and gives us one last frightened glance, "You two enjoy your day now."

I wave at him as he hurriedly strides back to his truck, "You too!"

Once the engine is running he speeds away as quickly as he can. Edward snorts, "I wish you could have heard what he was thinking."

I'm starting to feel really lightheaded; I clench my eyes closed and try to alleviate the pressure. Edward lightly traces his hand across my temple, "Bella you should probably come down now, all this blood to your head isn't good for you."

I suppose he's right. Why is it that it's always my stupid human needs that ruin all my fun?

Seeing that I'm not fighting him Edward takes me down from the branch and places me on the grass.

"I wonder what the package is." After I state this he hands it to me and I stare at it for a moment before picking it up and shaking it a few times.

I shrug and Edward rolls his eyes at me, "Why don't you just open it?"

I shoot him a glare, "Don't rush me, I'm getting there." Slowly I pull the tape off and open the package, it's a fishing rod.

I should have known. I get to my feet and take the fishing rod inside to put it on the table for Charlie.

Edward trials behind me and when I turn I see him watching me with a calculating expression. His eyes smolder as they meet mine and he takes a step closer to me, "Bella what are you and Jasper going shopping for?"

Oh no, I should have known he would have poked into that conversation. Why is it only he can be the only giving the surprises? When anyone else wants to he already knows, well I'm not telling him.

The smarmy little trickster won't get a thing out of me; I can't say the same for his family members. But really it's not their fault though, they can't just stop thinking.

I back away from him, "That's none of your concern."

He places his hand on the side of my face and exhales surrounding me in his alluring breath.

Seductively he leans forward letting his lips brush against my neck as he speaks, "Bella, you know you want to tell me."

I try to turn myself away from him but he leans his body into mine, pinning me back against the wall. I can't see over his shoulder so I brush off his shirt and inspect for invisible lint.

Placing his hands on either side of my head he lowers his face so it's directly in front of mine. There's no possible way I can avoid his eyes.

His velvet voice is barely audible, "Bella, please tell me."

My lungs begin to burn and I inwardly curse myself for forgetting to breathe, again.

I feel so stupid when this happens, it reminds me of that dumb blonde joke everyone always tells.

You know the one where she's wearing headphones and when she takes them off she collapses and the headphones are saying 'Inhale, exhale'. I always laughed thinking how could you ever forget to breathe, but it turns out I'm that person who does.

Edward's eyes are burning into mine and I feel my resolve slipping as his breath pulls me into an anesthetic state. I can't fight him he's far too persuasive but I refuse to tell him about his present. "Jasper and I are going to buy your birthday present."

There take that you cheater, I gave you an answer, of course he already knew that but that's beside the point.

He looks at me stunned for a moment, "Did you just avoid my question?" What his dazzling powers aren't infallible.

I just won't mention how difficult it was to get that out. Plus I did answer so it's not like I wasn't affected.

As seeing he is completely floored by my almost ignoring his dazzling ways I am able to wiggle my way away from him and to the window.

I forgot to check if he brought the Volvo over, I'm hoping he didn't. I need to get my truck some fresh air. The poor thing has been stuck in the driveway for weeks now.

I peer outside and only see my truck, now the hard part will be convincing Edward to let me drive it to his house. Glancing briefly at the clock I see we have only a little while before noon, if I'm going to be driving my senior citizen I'll need that whole time to get to the Cullen's.

Edward finally realizes I'm not within his grasp anymore and turns blinking owlishly at me. I give him a small finger wave, "Edward?"

He watches me shiftily look to the car and gauge my chances at dashing inside to speed away. Oddly enough I think even _I_ could run at a speed that would catch up to my truck.

Giving me a stern look he gravely motions to the truck, "Bella, that thing is a safety hazard."

Oh come on. A safety hazard? It's hazardous to no one, not even little critters who dart in the middle of the road. I can't really hit any of them because I'm going at such a mellow pace I don't need to swerve or slam on the brakes anyways.

I feel like Snow White half the time, it's like I attract half the animals. They seem to know my car is safe and decide to start waltzing in the middle of the road.

Hopefully they'll get out of that habit, it's quite distracting.

I gaze at Edward dolefully, "You haven't let me drive in over a month! The thing needs to move or it'll starting rusting where it is and I'll never be able to use it."

He watches me carefully and sighs after a long moment, "Fine, we'll take your truck but I am entitled to complaining as often as I would like, deal?"

I throw my arms around him excitedly, "Complain all you like." I pull away from him and go retrieve the keys; I'm surprised I even remember where I put them. Twirling them around my finger I grab his arm and we make our way out to the truck.

I climb in and buckle my seatbelt and turn to Edward as he stares at me worriedly. With a mock scolding tone to my voice I tell him, "Edward, put your seatbelt on."

This clears his previous expression as his laugh reverberates through the truck. Putting on his seatbelt he rolls his eyes, "Of course, how could I be so thoughtless."

I turn the car on and comfortably start the trip to the Cullen's. One of the reasons I love this truck so much is I already have a built in speed limit, it will physically not go past fifty so I just have to take it easy.

Traveling at such high speeds makes me uncomfortable. When I'm changed I'll probably be the only vampire who actually enjoys driving under the speed limit.

I maintain my speed of twenty miles per hour happily with my eyes focused solely on the road. There's no use in turning to look at Edward and proving I'm incapable of driving.

After we get a couple miles from my house he can't stand it anymore, "Bella, I'm not asking you to go seventy, not that it's possible in this vehicle, but please can you go a little faster?"

Resolutely I stay at my same pace, "Edward I don't need Alice to be here to know the one time I decide to speed up I'll get pulled over and most likely by my father." That's just the way my life works and as long as I'm aware of this there's no reason to push it.

Sighing heavily he clenches his eyes shut and mutters under his breath. I pointedly ignore him and keep driving.

We reach the Cullen house eventually; I'll just leave out the fact that Edward whined the whole time and we also came across one of the animal waltzes, again. I hop out of the truck and smile brightly as Edward darkly slams his door.

I would tell him to be careful with the old dear but I can only push his patience so far per day. He opens the door for me and I walk in nervously, I managed to temporarily forget about Emmett's surprise.

Emmett bounds up to us immediately and grabs onto my shoulders turning me to face Edward. "We're leaving right away so say goodbye."

After inspecting Emmett's face I unthinkingly blurt out, "For the last time?"

Edward and Emmett both give me strange looks and I wince. I hadn't meant to say that out loud it's just that Emmett has a really creepy expression right now and I'm worried.

Edward pulls me closer to his side eyeing Emmett up suspiciously, "Emmett what exactly are you planning on doing that gave Bella the impression she might never come back?"

At this Emmett dismissively ruffles Edward's hair, "She has no clue what we're doing remember?"

Once that's clarified they both turn to me and I shrug innocently, "I panicked."

Emmett snorts, "Right, so say goodbye, for _now_ and let's get out of here. Just stop worrying Bella; we're going to have so much fun."

I cling to Edward trying to reason that everything will be alright. Who am I kidding? I'm just trying to convince myself this is going to be better than shopping.

Strangely enough Emmett's reassurance of "fun" has the opposite affect on me. I'm even more reluctant to participate in what Emmett considers fun.

Does anyone else but me recall that he finds aggravating irate bears an enjoyable pastime game?

Edward kisses the top of my head and smiles reassuringly, "Bella, you are the one who was so adamant on going, so have fun. I'll see you when you return."

Emmett grabs my hand and tugs me into the garage barely containing his devious expression. Taking a deep breath to calm myself I try to stay optimistic, I shouldn't jump to these sinister conclusions about Emmett's fun.

I'm sure I'm just over reacting and I'll really end up enjoying my day with him.

I think this right up until the point when we approach the Jeep. "Emmett! No, no way, I've been in this yesterday already I am not going again. Too much exposure to your car is bad for my health."

He gives me a mock serious expression, "Bella, you are going to get in my Jeep and we are going to have fun. Are you going to be perfectly compliant in this plan or shall I bring you back inside to go shoe shopping with Rose and Alice?"

That is a low blow right there, a low blow.

Even though I'm fully aware Emmett could have me tied down in the car and five miles away within milliseconds I humor myself and move to put the car between us. "Why do we have to take the Jeep?"

Emmett sighs and explains to me as if I'm a child, "Bella, this is my car. I drive it places, when you go out with Edward you take his car. This is no different."

Uh, actually it is quite different. The Jeep looks like it can eat Edward's Volvo. Our fierce glaring continues until Emmett slowly moves towards me.

I jump back holding my arms out in front of me, as if that would help and attempt to threaten him, "I'll scream!"

He just laughs at me, "Edward knows you're only scared of the car and you're in no danger so nothing will happen anyways."

Of course the one time Emmett decides to take the initiative and think through all aspects of an idea it's when he's forcing me into the Jeep.

If I can come up with some tangible reasons as why to avoid said vehicle I'm good because apparently my irrational fear is not reason enough. "But, the Jeep is _huge_, it calls all sorts of attention and don't you want to avoid human attention?"

Obviously already prepared for this argument he counters back, "Generally yes, but where we'll be going no know will see us in the first place."

My eyes widen with fear I stare wordlessly, "And what will we be doing?"

With a reassuring wink he motions towards the garage door, "Now we can't speak or think upon that matter until we're far enough away from here so dear Eddie doesn't know."

A silence resumes and we're both staring each other down willing the other to give in, unfortunately I'm a rather stubborn human and Emmett is an extremely, extremely patient vampire.

He's just waiting for me to give in. While I would like to prove him wrong I know it's me who will cave.

But really how am I expected to outlast someone who has been trained to _watch paint dry_ for eight days straight?

There's no way whatsoever that's even feasible. I understand Rose wanted to make sure the car was safe but I don't think there is a more dangerous thing than a patient Emmett.

With a persuasive quality to his already reassuring voice Emmett slowly edges around the car towards me, "Bella, if we get away from the house I can tell you where we're going. Remember it's a surprise, I don't want Edward knowing before we actually get anywhere."

I give a final huff as I stomp to the passenger side, "Fine then."

A huge grin graces Emmett's face as he lifts me into the Jeep and straps me into the harness correctly. The garage door isn't even fully opened as he rockets out and hurtles away from the mansion.

I press my face up to the glass to try and patch together some clues as to where we're heading.

There's a lot of green, no big surprise there but it just seems like we're going further away from civilization.

What a comfort.

Maybe Emmett loaded the car up for what we're going to do. I turn, or well if you can call it that considering I'm pinned in place by a harness, to look behind me. Out of the corner of my eyes I can vaguely make out a huge shape.

It's a burlap sack of some kind and I'm not exaggerating when I say that it's larger and wider than I am.

"Emmett? If you don't mind my asking what is that thing in your back seat?" He just holds up a finger to his smirking lips, I guess we aren't far enough away from the house yet.

Now fueled by the sudden reminder that I'm in Emmett's hands I squint out the window. I'm not taking green as a suitable answer for our location anymore.

After zooming past all helpful road signs at such a high velocity that I can't read them I'm left with just green, again.

No, I said I wasn't taking green for an answer, this isn't fair!

Emmett suddenly lurches the Jeep to a stop and turns to me with an expression that would make even the worlds bravest start quaking.

He folds his hands in front of him in a business-like manner before beginning. "You're wondering where we are, no doubt, and all I can answer that with is in the middle of nowhere. I picked the most secluded place I could because, dear Bella, I'm going to teach you how to drive above the speed limit."

I squeak in fear and try to sink into my seat. I knew I should have just gone shopping.

Emmett takes my silence as a sign to continue, "So, considering the dangerous nature of this task I took all of the necessary precautions. We wouldn't want you to get hurt because that would mean Edward would go on an angry revenge rampage and it would just lead to no good."

I nod in agreement more out of the angry rampage deal than the actual goal at hand. "And what are these necessary precautions you have taken?"

They had better be good considering the logistics of a crash in this monster.

Emmett motions to the giant sack that I noticed earlier and unbuckles my safety harness, "Hop out and I'll show you."

Trembling slightly I jump down from the Jeep and walk over to where Emmett is standing with the oddly shaped bag. He grins excitedly as he places it on the ground in front of me, "Go ahead and open it."

Tentatively I step closer and pull the bag open to peer inside. And the great safety measures Emmett has for me?

A sumo suit.

An actual sumo wrestling suit, as in one of those huge fat suits with the loin cloths and the helmets in the shape of hair.

I blink at it unsure if he's serious but as I look up to see him bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet I know he is. Frowning I examine the suit and look from it to the Jeep several times. "Emmett will I even fit in the Jeep if I'm wearing this?"

With an eye roll he tosses the empty sack into the back of the Jeep, "Yes, I made sure that you would be able to. Now put the suit on and let's start your driving lessons!"

I make a face the entire time I step into the suit and shove my arms through then jam the helmet on to my head. I can't zip up the back so I have to waddle over to Emmett and have him do it.

This is ridiculous; the couple steps I'm taking are like an aerobic work out with all this weight from the suit.

Once I'm fully geared up to go Emmett lifts me into the driver's seat. I have no chance to fight him off; my already weak human arsenal is severely crippled by the sumo suit.

He gets into the passenger seat and actually puts his seat belt on. I turn to him affronted, "Emmett! Why would you put your seat belt on only when I'm the one driving?"

Giving me a sheepish expression he quickly starts the car before I can say anything else. "Alrighty now! Hello my pupil I am your driving instructor, we will be mastering the art of driving over five miles per hour today."

I restrain myself from demonstrating to Emmett a colorful hand gesture, he'd probably only laugh. It really isn't possible to take anyone wearing a sumo suit seriously.

In an attempt to at least get him to shut up I start driving on the deserted road at ten miles per hour. "See? Over five, I'm done."

As I try to turn off the car Emmett quite unjustly uses his speed advantage to tie a block of lead to my right foot.

The Jeep's speedometer starts to rise steadily as I unsuccessfully attempt to wrench my foot off of the gas pedal. My eyes widen as we reach sixty, "You can't do this to me! I am a law abiding citizen!"

Emmett begins to cackle with much more enthusiasm than he should regarding my suffering. I'm too afraid to take my eyes off the road anymore. I keep us straight on the road to not cause a collision.

My eyes flit down to the speed gauge and I nearly start to hyperventilate when I see it's at one hundred twenty.

I can't move my leg at all and I'm about to start crying when Emmett finally takes pity on me and removes the lead block. As the car starts to slow down considerably I glare at him angrily, "When they say 'lead foot' it's meant as a figure of speech."

Ignoring my snide remark Emmett starts clapping for me, "That was excellent my pupil. You drove at illegal speeds and survive to tell the tale."

I get back to ten miles per hour and happily cruise around at that before Emmett gives me a warning look. "Speed it up missy or you'll have the lead tied to your foot again."

Testily I speed up to twenty before Emmett straps the lead on my foot again anyways. As we fly down the road at ninety I realize the unthinkable, this actually isn't that bad.

It's kind of fun. Oh no! I'm becoming one of them. I must fight the temptation. Suddenly Emmett whips his head around and cringes, "Oops."

The adrenaline rushes out of me at the way Emmett apologetically gives me a feeble smile. "What?"

He begins to twiddle his thumbs, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news."

I wait expectantly for him to go on, "The good news is you drive really well with lead attached to your foot."

My eyes slowly narrow but I don't dare turn to him, we're at one twenty again, "What's the bad news Emmett?"

Coughing he mumbles something unintelligible. I prompt him once again with an irritated cough.

Grudgingly he repeats, "It turns out this isn't exactly in the middle of no where because there's a horde of police men who've clocked you and are following us right now."

I silently scream and keep my shaking hands firmly on the steering wheel as my human ears detect the quickly approaching sirens. I frantically try to make the decision that will determine what happens to us hooligans.

If I tell Emmett to take the lead off my foot and I stop there's no doubt we'll get a ticket and can you imagine the shame? Everybody and I mean everybody would know what happened.

Or I could keep speeding up and try to outrun them. Which you know in the long run would lead to jail time for trying to evade law enforcement. But if we make it...

With a heavy sigh I turn to Emmett, "Take the lead off please."

Solemnly he unties it for me already expecting the worse but once the lead is off my foot I slam it down even harder onto the gas.

Emmett watches me in amazement, "Bella, what are you doing?"

A maniacal grin very similar to the one growing on him is planted on my face, "I'm engaging in a police chase on my own free will."

He looks as if he may burst with delight, "I'm so proud of you!"

I laugh and check the rear view mirror to see the police gaining on us when a speaker phoned voice blares out, "Pull over immediately!"

Happily ignoring the warning I keep my speed going and one daring officer sidles beside us. He looks up expecting most likely some scruffy drunken buffoon, but oh was he wrong.

When he sees me in the sumo suit such a look of confusion crosses his face that I wave merrily and dart forward even faster.

Emmett is naturally laughing uncontrollably at the situation. I keep going until I realize abruptly that there are more officers coming from the direction we're heading. "Emmett, what are we going to do?"

Straightening in his seat Emmett carefully watches them approach, "I'll take care of it, and you just keep driving. Even when you get close enough to hit them keep going."

Suddenly a whoosh of air hits me and Emmett is gone.

Feeling distinctly like a criminal on 'World's Wildest Police Chases' I keep hurtling down the road, head on to meet the police force waiting to arrest me.

The nerves start to hit as I can define the hair colors of each of the officers, I'm getting so close.

But I keep going, knowing somehow Emmett has everything under control, or least I sure hope he does.

The police men start to anxiously pace as they realize I'm not slowing down at all. Involuntarily a scream erupts as I reach the human road block but amazingly I don't collide with them.

In fact to be precise I'm flying _over_ them.

The Jeep makes a bumpy landing and an invigorated Emmett is beside me once again. "The looks on their faces were priceless."

Stunned I can only stare at the open road before me, "What if anyone saw you?"

He dismisses that, "I listened and I can still hear them, they have no clue how that happened."

Relieved I focus on how to get the police off our tails, "Where are we going to ditch the Jeep and escape?"

Emmett stares at me in surprise, "Bella since when did you become the expert criminal?"

I shrug innocently, "Too much time watching action movies I guess."

He shakes his head at me as he scans the area. I think I'll have to apologize later as seeing how we're never going to be able to take the Jeep in this county every again, not that I know where it is.

After another stretch of the police chasing us, although now there's double the amount Emmett points to the right. "Turn there, if we can time this right we'll be able to park and hide the Jeep in an abandoned warehouse while making our get away."

I turn the Jeep into the path Emmett indicated and we fly out of our seats at the uneven ground. I see the warehouse and quickly head towards it as Emmett leaps out to open the doors for me.

I pull inside and he motions to a tarped area in the middle, carefully maneuvering underneath I turn the car off. Now if only I can get this stupid harness off, Emmett realizes I'm still stuck and unbuckles me.

I stumble out of the Jeep and attempt to follow Emmett's swift pace, the only problem is I forgot in the heat of the chase that I was wearing the sumo suit.

I waddle along at a painfully slow speed and just clear the door to the warehouse before Emmett realizes what's taking me so long.

He strides over to me and tosses me over his shoulder, "I'm just going to go over to the other side of the road and make a whole bunch of noise to lead them astray."

I whisper back, "Alright." We dart past the policemen who are poking around and searching for the ruffians who just gave them the biggest chase they'll ever come across.

Emmett starts to knock trees down and purposefully bumps into anything solid that will call attention in this direction.

As we hear the police start to flock in this direction Emmett shoots off onto a path and suddenly stops putting me on my feet beside a large lake. I look around confused, "What are we doing here?"

Emmett holds up an oxygen tank and scuba goggles for me, "We're going to be taking a shortcut through this lovely body of water to avoid the fuzz."

I shrug, oddly not perturbed by this plan whatsoever, I spend way too much time around Emmett that I can take practically anything into stride. But I am a little confused, "Where was that deep sea diving gear?"

As he starts to walk into the lake he grins, "Alice told me to bring it along, now I know why but I kept it in your loin cloth. It's very convenient, like a fanny pack, literally."

I look down in slight fear at the size of my loin cloth, who knows what else is in there.

With a shudder I put the scuba goggles securely over my eyes and nose then attach the oxygen tank to the handy but alarming loin cloth.

I stagger to where Emmett is waiting for me and he easily loops his arm around my bulky suit, "Ready?"

Surveying him through the hazy goggles I point to the lake and nasally respond, "Ready as I'll ever be."

He takes one last breath, for comfort's sake, and then submerges us both into the waters of the unnamed lake. I watch in fascination as Emmett powerfully propels us through the lake.

There's fish and all sorts of strange plants and animals surrounding us, it's like one of those museum tours in the glass tunnel through an aquarium.

Except of course we're actually in the water.

At first I was so distracted by all the fish I forgot I needed to breath and started to feel dizzy before I took a puff of oxygen.

I have no clue how long we've been under here but I know for sure that if I was swimming across it would probably take me a week at least. Not to mention Emmett is tugging me in my waterlogged sumo suit with him as well.

Finally we start to incline more sharply towards the surface and our heads break out from under the water.

Emmett tugs me along to the shore and I look back to where we first dove in, I can barely see the trees over there. I tug the goggles off my face and shove them with oxygen tank back into my loin cloth.

I've got the hang of how to walk in the suit now, sort of, I'm still much slower than normal but I'm not falling behind too much.

Emmett starts walking to a road ahead, "I'll just go back and get the Jeep tonight. What color do you think I should have Rose paint it? Since obviously it's rather noticeable and was an escape vehicle."

I lumber beside Emmett, "Paint it a nice green; it'll be a better camouflage."

He grins, "I think I will, partner in crime. Can you believe we actually just escaped from a high speed police chase?"

I giggle as I attempt to shake some water out of the suit, "I feel like a rebel."

Emmett pats me on the back, "Well this actually classifies you as a rebel, last time you said that you only accidentally left the school office with one of their pens."

I huff, "That was rebellious, hush you."

Once we reach denser forest Emmett throws me over this shoulder again and runs us a pretty good chunk of the way back to Forks.

He stops when he reaches a public park several miles from the Cullen household and puts me down, "There's a picnic going on."

Shuffling down the road I attempt not to squint at them to try and see if I know any of them. Emmett and I stay completely silent as we approach the entrance to the park.

That is until I ask, "Do we know any of them?"

Silently I beg that they have no clue who we are and vice versa. But Emmett nods, "It's Jessica and that crew."

I flinch and as we go right past them and try to act as inconspicuous as possible. It's of no use though because I can hear them talking about us from here, "Do we know them?"

"Hey, that's Emmett Cullen!"

"Ew! Is that large person next to him only wearing a loin cloth?"

"No, that's a sumo wrestling suit they're in, you idiot."

"Oh my God I think that's Bella."

"No way!"

"Yeah, I think it is too, I can see the long hair from under the sumo helmet."

Jessica waves and calls out to me, "Hey Bella!"

In a last feeble attempt to conceal myself I try to hide behind Emmett. Of course normally that would be perfectly fine and Emmett's massive figure would block me from view but I'm wearing a fat suit.

A fat suit that is quite visible even behind Emmett's enormous frame. He snorts but tries to stop from laughing out loud, "They can still see you."

I meekly stumble out from behind Emmett and wave back, "Hey Jess!"

She motions for us to come over and after exchanging a pained look with Emmett we both drag out feet as we go over to the group of people.

The only person who I actually consider a human friend and I still spend some time with is Angela and I know she's not here. She told me on Friday that she had a date with Ben today at this Grandmother's house.

As we get closer everyone gawks at us in general, either at Emmett's attractive appearance or my soaked, sumo suit wearing form.

And just my luck, Lauren is here. She snidely pushes past Jessica to look me up and down, "Nice outfit Bella."

If I actually had the courage to I would spit back, 'Nice face Lauren.'

Jessica just stares, "What happened to you guys?"

Emmett and I meet each others gaze and then look away quickly. Obviously we can't actually tell the truth. Besides the fact that it's illegal it sounds more like a lie than any lie we could tell.

This is an instance where the truth is much, much stranger than fiction.

Emmett sighs, "It's an extremely long story."

I nod in agreement at a loss of anything else to describe what we went through. Jessica pouts clearly she had been hoping for something gossip worthy, "Oh."

I start to edge away from everyone and tug on Emmett's arm, "Well it was nice seeing you all but we've got to be heading out. See you tomorrow at school!"

Everyone waves back as a group and I scurry away with Emmett in tow. We clear the park and I shudder, "Well that was embarrassing."

Emmett chuckles and tosses me over his shoulder again heading towards the woods. Within a couple of minutes we burst into the Cullen's backyard and Emmett hauls me all the way up into the house.

Jasper and Edward look up from a game of cards and their expressions are identical mirrors of mystification.

I wobble when I'm placed back onto the ground and smile pleasantly in an effort to distract them. "Emmett and I had a wonderful time."

Edward is entirely focused on Emmett and as time goes on his face turns from puzzlement to horror. "And you consider a police chase while wearing a sumo wresting suit a good time?"

I roll my eyes, "You should have thought that through before you let me leave the house with your brother then shouldn't you of."

Jasper cocks his head to the side, "Personally I enjoy Bella's loin cloth, it looks very spacious."

Alice skips into the kitchen her eyes narrowed on Jasper, "You're lucky I knew she was wearing a sumo suit or you would be very sorry."

Edward finally turns back to his card game and everyone silently watches them.

That is until a very bewildered Esme wanders into the kitchen. "Emmett, why is your Jeep on the television for a reward concerning a high speed police pursuit?"

Emmett and I look at each other then back to Esme as Alice begins to explain and then Emmett slides out of the room. I look around frantically "Well, while Alice tells you that boring story I'll go upstairs to change, Edward?"

Hurriedly I scramble out of the kitchen and Edward joins me seconds later scrutinizing me for an injury. "Really I'm fine, can I use your shower though?"

As he's about to say yes he suddenly stops a smirk growing on his perfect face, "How the tables have turned."

I frown, "What do you mean?"

He pokes my fat suit, "It seems I'm not the one with the weight problems now. What, did you eat all the police officers who were trying to arrest you?"

I ignore his teasing and push past him to get to the bathroom. This is one of those times I remember why I try to avoid terribly embarrassing situations.

I have a family of vampires who can mock me for all eternity.

Right as I reach his door I turn around to face Edward, "Laugh all you want, you still don't know what your birthday present is."

This promptly shuts him up and I laugh quietly as I race to the bathroom. When Jasper and I go shopping we'll have to spend more time trying to throw off Edward than actually finding a bed.

I'm up for it though; this criminal streak I'm on has me feeling rather daring. Either way I have a feeling that this shopping trip is going to eventful whether I want it to be or not.

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A/N: Again I'm sorry this took such a long time to update and it may seem like I'm lying through my teeth but your reviews are my sole motivators. I'm just really slow, heh. So review if you'd like and I'm already working on the next chapter to try and avoid this delayed update from happening...again.   



	5. A Mattress for Edward

Disclaimer: Twilight, I believe you may have heard of it. Turns out it's not mine, I'm just as shocked as you are.

A/N: So let me start off with my usual apology. I'm really, terribly, incredibly sorry about my updating, again. But if you hadn't looked, do you see how tiny the little scroller is? This is the longest chapter so far. I typed most of this yesterday, past midnight till by hands did that funny cramp thing. So I'll stop talking soon but I have to thank you all SO SO SO much for all the reviews. You're all so nice to me. They keep me going when I think this whole thing is completely mental, which it is but anyways, I'm done, for now.

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**A Mattress for Edward**

I've finally managed to escape the Cullen household. I'm joking really, I love them all.

But it's nice to return to my boring old house where the only exciting things that can occur involve rouge fish possibly flopping out of the freezer and whacking me in the face. It's like a game, when I open the door will I be hit with a fin today or will I escape unscathed? I never know.

As I pass through the kitchen to head to my room I notice that the answering machine is flashing. That's odd we don't normally have messages.

Pushing the play button I listen as Mrs. Newton's voice fills the room, "Bella! I got your message dear and it's absolutely no trouble at all that you need all week off. We're really slow around this time of month anyways so don't worry about it. See you next week!"

Frowning I replay the message again. I didn't call Mrs. Newton and why would I need the entire week off of work? I had been planning to use work as a cover plot for actually shopping with Jasper.

Now there's no chance of that. Who would honestly call in attempt to stop me from...Edward.

I know that it's possible for any of the Cullen's to perfectly imitate any noise or voice if they wish to. Why is Edward being such a spoilsport?

I'll just have to try even harder to thwart his convoluted plan.

I pick up the phone and suspiciously peek a look around to see if there's anyone near by. "Edward Cullen if your sly self is around here you better come out right now."

Nothing happens so I like to think Edward isn't here instead of ignoring me and still lurking where I can't see him.

I dial the Cullen's and Alice picks up cheerfully, "Bella! I haven't seen you in such a long while, what can I do for you?"

Spinning around yet again I shiftily slip into my closet so not to be overheard in case Charlie walks in. "Alice is Edward there?" Then realizing it sounds like I want to speak with him I hurriedly add, "I mean that as a question I don't actually want you to get him."

Alice giggles slightly, "Yes he's here but you actually want Jasper so I'll go get him for you."

I grin as I shove the broom pan away from my ankle; it's quite handy to have a clairvoyant friend, "Thanks Alice."

Jasper's lilting voice appears on the line, "Yes Bella?"

Lowering my whisper I mumble, "I've come across a problem and I need you to come over to help solve it please."

I hear him pause from a moment, "I'll be over in a minute."

I hang up the phone and take a seat on the closet floor; I think this will serve as a suitable meeting place. There's a gentle knock on the front door so I shout, "Come in!"

Jasper pulls the closet door open and stares at me as I blink at the bright light. "Take a seat and close the door. Were you followed?"

Gracefully taking a seat across from me he shakes his head, "No, I threatened anyone with a month of mood swings if they tried and even Edward isn't stupid enough to test me on that."

I nod, that's good at least this is a confidential conversation. With a sigh I gravely begin, "Edward pretended to be me and called in so now I'm off work for the week. I don't know what to do; I had been planning on using work as a facade for our shopping trip."

Jasper frowns, "He really wants to find out what you're getting him doesn't he?"

I perch against the Windex bottle beside me, "I'm thinking I should just start getting the smaller parts of his gift and then we'll get the big part on his birthday. That way he'll be so busy he won't have time to track us down."

I can see if Alice will skip out on gym with me tomorrow and we can get sheets and a headboard and other things of that sort. I'll save Saturday, his actual birthday for Jasper and I to go hunting for the mattress.

Jasper grins in approval, "That sounds like it'll work. So are you going to tell me what we're getting him or not?"

Scrunching my nose I try to figure out what makes the most sense. It would be a whole lot easier if Alice knew I wanted to skip out on gym and was planning on what to buy. But then Jasper and Alice would have to conceal their thoughts for an entire week.

I look around trying to figure out what to do when I catch sight of a Mr. Clean bottle.

Oh, this is brilliant. I'll insert obnoxious jingles from the cleaning products in the closet into our conversation and then that's what he'll think of when Edward tries to pry.

I pick up the Mr. Clean bottle and hold it beside my face, "So, what I'm getting Edward for his birthday is, Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, dun dun dun dun dun duh duh duh a bed."

Jasper stares incredulously at me, "Wait, what? You're getting Edward _Mr. Clean_? Is that even possible?"

I sigh and pick up a bleach container, "No I'm getting him a bed, Momma's got the magic of Clorox bleach!"

Jasper looks in obvious confusion from me to the cleaning supplies in my hands, "What are you _doing_ Bella?"

I prevent myself from rolling my eyes, "When Edward tries to read your mind, Momma's got the magic of Clorox bleach, if I keep doing this then you'll think of Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, dun dun dun dun dun duh duh duh the cleaning products and he won't know what I'm getting him."

Jasper comprehends what I'm saying at a much slower rate than I would expect from him. I suppose its Mr. Clean's shiny head, it is quite distracting. "Anyways, I need you to tell Alice that Momma's got the magic of Clorox bleach and I want to skip out on gym tomorrow to shop for Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, dun dun dun dun dun duh duh duh sheets and a head board and all that."

He nods at me, "Will do, I'll inform her of the jingles as well, they are a good idea. Very catchy." He gives me a peck on the cheek and then a small grin while humming to the Mr. Clean song as he glides out of the closet.

I stay cross legged on the floor to try and figure out what exactly it is I do want for Edward's bed.

Quite obviously he has an obsession with dark blue so I think I'll go with that for coloring. Then there's the headboard dilemma.

Do I get one or no? Personally I've always wanted a really nice carved wooden headboard so I think I'll say yes for that matter.

I've also really wanted a canopy bed. Whenever I would ask Renee she said that I would probably strangle myself in the middle of the night. With Edward there I wouldn't have to worry about that, hopefully.

So that's settled then, I'll get a nice wooden frame and head boarded canopy bed with dark blue sheets and hangings and all cloth related items. Then on Saturday Jasper and I will search for the mattress.

Suddenly the closet door opens again and I squint up at Charlie as he reaches for the broom then does a double take upon seeing me. Slowly enunciating his words as if that'll help him understand he steps back to get a full view of me, "Bella, why are you in the closet?"

I fidget for a moment, "Er, well there's nothing better to clear your head than being surrounded by cleaning supplies."

At this Charlie adopts a worried stance, "You're inhaling cleaning products?"

With an exasperated eyes roll I get to my feet and hand Charlie the broom he had been reaching for, "No Dad of course not, never mind." I follow my father to the middle of the kitchen then hop up onto the counter, "So how was work today?"

Charlie's head shoots up, "That's what I was going to tell you! I'm sure you're aware of how often you make fun of the low crime rate around here. Well, I'll have you know that a county only a couple of hours east of here contacted us to help locate two suspects in a high speed chase."

Naturally I blanch, even the Forks police force was notified? Holy crow, the entire world must be in on this by now.

I realize Charlie is waiting for me to be awed by his news so I act surprised, "Wow! And only a couple of miles away, I'm sure we'll have to be on the lookout for ruffians to start acting up all over town now."

He puts the broom back after sweeping who knows what and then swings a bag up beside me. I stare at it uncomprehendingly for a moment then realize it's a grocery bag.

No way. Charlie went shopping to get food?

I pick up the bag and stare at him apprehensively, "_You_ went grocery shopping by yourself?"

He sighs at me, "I did manage to do go all the time before you lived with me, you know. Go and take a look inside, I figured I'd give you a break from fish."

I take the contents of the bag out and grin at my father; it's the ingredients for hamburgers. "I didn't realize it was possible to take a break from fish. Didn't you tell me that there are only two courses of action one can take with fish? To catch 'em then eat 'em."

Charlie's laughter reverberates through the kitchen, "I brought you up right, that's for sure."

With a snort I get started on the hamburgers so we can eat some time today and wave Charlie off to go watch his golden television.

What is happening around here? My father actually went to the grocery store, by himself and purchased edible food.

It's a miracle I did not think was possible.

Eventually I get everything set out on the table and we eat in our usual quiet, although I'm silently declaring victory over the fish in the freezer, they had no chance today.

After we're done I take the dishes to the sink and wash them right away, "Thanks Dad I appreciate the change of pace tonight. While I do enjoy fish it's nice to have a little intervention every now and again."

Charlie smiles at me broadly, "Of course Bells."

I head towards the stairs then stop halfway; I forgot I don't need to shower as seeing the spontaneous lake trip brought up an immediate need to clean myself off.

If I just say goodnight now then I can spend more time with Edward. Skipping back down the stairs I wave to get Charlie's attention, "Night Dad!"

Charlie waves back although his eyes stay glued to his baseball game.

I run up to my room then dash back to the bathroom, I've got to stay at least four steps ahead of Edward this week, I mine as well start now. After I brush my teeth and change I go back to my room and flop down onto the bed.

Mere seconds after I close my eyes I can feel a granite arm slip around my waist, "Hello."

I smile and roll over to face him, "Hello to you too." As I stare at Edward I notice a huge splotch of green paint in his hair. I point to it curiously, "Did your attempt at going green not go as planned?"

Edward frowns at me then touches his hair and chuckles, "Emmett and I picked up his car from its hiding spot then we painted it on a direct quote from you apparently, a 'nice green'. Around that time he thought he'd be funny and paint my hair but I didn't care enough to shower, we still had to get his new license plate."

I raise my eyebrows at him, "Sounds like you had an eventful few hours. I just had hamburgers."

Edward grins, "In the Swan household that is eventful, you couldn't possibly have been out of fish what went on there?"

Shaking my head I shrug wordlessly, "I have no clue; Charlie even went out beforehand and got all the ingredients. I was kind of creeped out."

With a smile Edward brushes my hair back, "You should go to sleep we have school tomorrow."

I sigh and can't help but internally gloat about how, as of now, my plans of escaping gym class with Alice are a go. It's the only chance in the day I have of escaping.

When he came back Edward was adamant about having every class with me, but I out right refused to allow him to witness me participating in organized sports.

I'm fully aware he watches me through other people's minds but it's better than him actually standing in front of me as I fall on my face.

Anyways the point is we came to a compromise, he agreed to steer clear of enrolling in my gym class but if he wasn't there then Alice would be.

I have no qualms with that and it's worked out even better than I would have hoped considering tomorrow won't be the only time we'll have skipped class together.

I'll just humor him with sleeping now otherwise the conversation might turn to why two of his family members of recently are blocking their minds from him.

Taking an over exaggerated breath I close my eyes and snuggle closer to Edward's rock hard body.

As he strokes my hair and hums my lullaby I drift asleep, but right before I completely conk out I hear him mumble in amusement, "Oh by the way, I figured I should tell you while you're partially unconscious, Rose is having the reception on Sunday."

I have this strange feeling that I should be reacting to this in abject horror but I'm far too tired at the moment. I'll have to save the terrified inquisition for tomorrow morning.

The next thing I'm aware of is my alarm blaring loudly and my half hearted slamming down on the off button. Yawning loudly I stumble out of bed and go to the bathroom, it's not till I'm almost done with my bowl of cereal that I remember what Edward told me as I was in a sleep coma.

I choke on the spoonful I just put into my mouth and while gasping for air take a gulp of milk. Rose is having the reception this weekend? The day after Edward's birthday?

Is she in some conspiracy to get me changed faster?

Because honestly, if they want me to keel over from anxiety this would be how to do it.

I throw the bowl into the sink and race out the door to Edward's awaiting Volvo. I'm so nervous that I don't even bother to slow down as I throw myself into the seat.

Giving him a severe look I attempt a calm voice but it ends up much shriller than I had anticipated, "Rose is having her reception on Sunday!"

Edward winces at me and uncharacteristically decides to actually pay attention to the road, "So you did hear that."

I huff and cross my arms while trying to keep from having a panic attack. "I suppose she'll be setting up all this week then?"

Edward smoothly parks the car and shrugs while opening my door, "That's my guess and I'll have to help her since she knows where my hiding place is."

Naturally he shoots me a pointed glare at which I smile cockily, "Oops."

Alice scampers up beside us when we reach the sidewalk and gives me a sly wink, "Aren't you terribly excited for gym class today Bella?"

I snort but quickly turn it into a brief cough as Edward looks between Alice's shining face and my failed attempt to stifle laughter.

Hurriedly I grab his arm and speed up tugging him along to our first class. Alice waves and once we get through the doorway I practically collapse into my seat.

Now all I have to do is try to fend off Edward's perceptive suspicions in order to flee later. Class finally begins and I carefully keep focused on what we're learning, or well I give that appearance at least.

In reality I'm thinking about where Alice and I will be able to go without any of the store owners knowing my full name and my father's occupation.

The outlooks of anywhere in Forks are not looking bright.

The rest of my classes pass the same way. That is Edward staring at me trying to figure out what's going on and my pretending not to notice while plotting a getaway route.

Gym comes much quicker than I'm ready for even though I had been begging for it to be time to leave already.

Edward walks me to the locker room door and after a long pause of his eyes burning into me he leans in to brush his lips along my jaw. "I'll see you after class."

I nod stupidly unable to respond, I'm going to have to make him start wearing a blindfold this week otherwise he'll be able to get anything out of me. He didn't even ask me a question and I was ready to blurt out every detail about his present.

Waiting till he rounds the corner I turn to dash towards the bathrooms where Alice is waiting for me. I see her lithe form calmly leaning against the wall twirling a pair of keys.

I jog the rest of the way once I hear the bell for class sound off and Alice grins as she quickly drags me outside.

I look around slightly confused as she leads me to the Volvo, "We're taking Edward's car?"

She looks to me amused as she pulls open the door, "Yes Bella, we're taking Edward's car. I figured bringing any of the other cars would have been a dead give away that we were skipping out at some point. We'll be back before school ends though, I'm positive of that."

I hop into my customary seat and buckle up as Alice zooms away from the school, "Are we going somewhere in Forks?"

Alice turns fully away from the road and looks at me incredulously, "Oh not again, Bella how many times do we have to tell you this; the only decent purchases you can make in Forks are for human food or fishing gear."

I shrug innocently, "I'll chant it in my sleep so I can get that down. So what did Jasper tell you about our goal?"

Finally looking back to the road she straightens up in her seat and smirks, "We're getting something to let Momma use that Clorox bleach on."

We both break into laughter and she shakes her head at me, "That really is a good idea no matter how crazy we sound reciting them all the time. By the end of the week Edward is going to think we're going into the cleaning business. Any time I get within a five mile radius of him I start mentally chanting the jingles."

I grin and stretch my arms out in front of me, "So do you like my gift idea?"

Alice's eyes positively light up, "Oh Bella, when Jasper told me I thought I was going to crack and Edward would find out; I was so excited. It's the most perfect gift for him and of course it would be from you. He's going to love it. And while nothing is set in stone I did have a vision that we're going to pull this off."

Abruptly she throws the car into park and hops out as I smile happily, I might actually be able to surprise him and that is worth all this effort. Alice heads towards a brightly lit store then looks at me suddenly, "I forgot to ask if he suspected anything."

I roll my eyes as we step onto the walkway, "Of course he did, this week is going to be complete hell. I have to try avoiding anything that could possibly start him questioning about his gift. And we still have to figure out how we're going to make sure he can't follow Jasper and I on Saturday when we go shopping."

She smiles deviously and opens the door for me to enter the store, "Don't worry Bella, we've got that diversion all set up. Now do you have an idea of what you're looking for?"

As I look around the store I suddenly realize something. This is one of those places that you see on the television with the extremely expensive items that you could buy for at least half price somewhere else.

I grab Alice's arm and pull her into an aisle, "Um, there's no way I can afford this store with everything I want."

Alice's wide eyes stare at me blankly, "I know."

I stare back just as vacantly, "So then how do you expect me to shop?"

She tugs me back out of the aisle and towards the sheets, "Bella, you didn't think we would let you pay, did you?"

I sigh, no I hadn't been expecting that but I was hoping that they would conveniently forget about their aversion to my spending my own money. "Yes?"

Alice snorts and spins me to face the wall, "So what are we getting, you're in charge of this mission."

I practically fall over the display in shock, "What?" She watches me silently, enjoying my reaction as I finally manage to speak again. "Well I was thinking dark blue sheets, a wooden frame with a headboard and a canopy."

A hint of surprise is evident on her face, "That sounds exactly what he would like."

I smirk at her as I search through the shades of blue for one I like, "That's what tends to happen when you get a gift for someone."

Surprisingly Alice stays true to her promise, although, she does interfere at one point unable to hold back from letting me buy the "wrong" material for the canopy.

I found the perfect shade of blue sheets and got a matching comforter with silver design and the headboard? It's gorgeous, let me tell you, the wood is a dark maple and it has an intricate pattern carved out of it.

Plus the canopy is heavenly. I think I might be more excited than Edward for this bed.

We're back on the road to school again and Alice turns to the clock in astonishment, "This is the shortest shopping trip I've ever been on."

I grin as I motion to the goods in the back seat, "So where are we hiding these purchases?"

Alice stops the car in the middle of the road and leaps out quickly to grab them out of the back, "The River by our house has a hidden path that we hardly ever use, I was thinking there."

Nodding I stumble along side Alice carrying the sheets, the only thing I'm able to carry, only to realize we're in the Cullen's backyard. Honestly how many times am I going to be bursting into their property from the forest?

Alice heads towards a pile of rocks and quickly rolls one aside to place all of the items inside then closes it again. "Edward probably didn't tell you but we have the wedding reception gifts hidden just like this at a different rock."

I start running back as I shake my head; there are so many bizarre places to hide around the Cullen mansion.

I barely manage to get my seat belt buckled as Alice leads us back to the high school, "Quite obviously Edward is aware of the fact that we skipped, unless he happened to think you were in the bathroom for the rest of the class periods you happened to miss."

I giggle, "So am I just telling him we had a shopping spree that involved plowing our way through gym because it was merely an obstacle to fun?"

Alice seems impressed, "I like it and don't let him cheat alright? If he tries to get you talking come to the rest of us and we'll take care of you, Edward is not going to ruin this surprise."

Glancing at the clock I realize the last class has just been let out and grip onto the seat tightly as Alice swings up to the edge of the sidewalk.

Edward slowly walks up to us and sarcastically pats the car as he gets into the back, "How kind of you to come and pick me up in my Volvo after skipping out on school."

Alice shrugs, "It was a huge sacrifice on our part, be grateful."

And let me tell you the questioning that followed was only the beginning.

I felt like I was getting the karma induced police encounter I deserved, but of course, instead of one day of constant assault it was a _whole_ week.

Let me conveniently skip past that terrible week to a lovely Saturday morning that just so happens to be Edward's birthday.

On any normal occasion it would be perfectly acceptable to think I've lost my mind. I'm purposefully avoiding talking about Edward?

Well this isn't any normal occasion it was a week full of torture.

Every single second, minute, hour, day was full of Edward's endless barrage of questioning.

So anyways at the moment I'm sitting on one of the Cullen's fine pieces of furniture just waiting to get Edward going with his distraction so Jasper and I can get out of here. Alice and Rose are showing me the shoe purchases they made, thankfully without my presence and Jasper and Emmett are watching television as Edward's eyes dart around to all of us.

I watch with interest as he edgily fidgets then finally jumps up to his feet, "I can't take it anymore! What is going on with Mr. Clean? You've been thinking about him for the past week! It's unnerving!"

I choke back my laughter as Alice practically drops her shoes and Jasper ducks his head.

Emmett and Rose are staring at us all as if we've all gone insane, "Mr. Clean? Isn't he that creepy bald guy with the gold hoop earring?"

As I start to explain he's the symbol of a certain brand of cleaning products Esme rushes frantically into the room fluttering around nervously. "Edward! I don't know what's happening but something is going on at the hospital and Carlisle says he needs you down there immediately."

Edward frowns and gets to his feet as Rose winks at me conspiratorially, they told me that Esme was launching off the distraction but I'm still not quite sure what it is.

With one worried last glance at Esme he strides to the door and smiles at me briefly, "I'll go see what's happening, I suppose, see you all in a bit."

Once he leaves the room a terrible smile spreads across Emmett's face and after a pause he chuckles ominously, "He won't be back for hours."

I look around at their smiling faces, "And why is that now?"

Emmett shrugs innocently, "Well I might have asked Carlisle about Edward's five hour long surprise party held at the Hospital on a note stuck to the bulletin board in plain view."

A snort escapes before I can help it; Edward is going to be _furious_. There's no way he can leave before the party is over, I've met the receptionist at the Hospital.

While she is a nice elderly lady she's extremely persistent, in the end it's much easier to just give in rather than try to fight a way out of it.

Jasper stands up and tugs me along with him as we head out the door, "Let's get going Bella."

I follow along and as we start down the drive way I look back in confusion, "Er...Jasper, the garage is that way."

He stops in his tracks and looks back at me with mock surprise, "Really now? When did that get there?"

I sigh, "No cars then?"

He smirks slightly and holds out his hand for me to take. I grab on firmly as he tugs me up onto his back and tighten my grip as he dives into the woods.

After a moment I start thinking about what's going to happen when we actually buy the mattress. How are we getting it back to the house without me trailing behind at least one hundred feet?

Lowering my head I ask tentatively to not distract him, "Jasper? How are we getting the mattress back to the house?"

I'm pretty sure he's ignoring me, what a reassuring sign.

I poke him in the back of the head, "Jasper."

He responds by mumbling under his breath, "We'll figure that part out later, we need to be in possession of a mattress before we can start worrying about how to transport it."

I roll my eyes and wait until Jasper slows to a walk to help me slide back down to the ground. Once I'm on my feet I walk towards the store we're near, a large building by the name of 'Mattress Haven'.

Jasper eyes the store distastefully, "Don't look at me; Alice gave the directions to this place."

We both stare at the door for a moment then I finally pull it open and go inside. Jasper walks in beside me and the girl behind the counter who had been dazedly popping her gum nearly inhales it upon his appearance.

Quickly she rushes out to stand in front of us with a welcoming smile, "Hello! May I be any help to you today?"

Jasper shoots me a mischievous half smile, "Yes actually, we were looking for a mattress, you wouldn't happen to have any here would you?"

Let me just briefly mention that the entire store is packed from front to back with sample mattresses and huge signs advertising said mattresses.

The girl looks from Jasper to me not quite sure if he's joking or not.

I elbow him in the side and unsuccessfully try to keep the smile off my face. He grins at me and then turns his attention back to the girl, "What would you recommend? We're looking for high quality."

The girl leads us over to a grouping of aisles, "These are top notch selections, feel free to try them out and let me guarantee you, no matter which choice you make, any mattress from Mattress Haven will be so plush you'll turn to mush!"

Jasper nods his thanks while looking perturbed and the girl scuttles around the corner to quite obviously stare at him from her "ingenious" hiding spot.

Looking around I pick a mattress at random and throw myself down onto it. I nearly end up flying back to my feet, with a wince I clutch at my back, "Mush?"

I notice the amused expression on Jasper's face and stalk past him to another bed, "Are you going to help or not?"

He looks at me startled and as I climb into the next bed he joins me.

The bed practically begins to engulf us within its squishy enclosure and Jasper quickly gets up watching as I struggle. "If you think Edward is going to like hearing you just stood there as I suffocated you go ahead and keep staring."

A hand appears and he tugs me out, "Drama Queen, you weren't suffocating, yet. And look at the bright side this one was plush."

I snort and then as I look at Jasper a distinctly Emmett like thought suddenly hits me. Before I fully process it I blurt out, "Holy crow!"

Jasper looks at me his eyebrows raised, "What?"

My face begins picking up heat as I turn away from him to another bed. But before I can jump into it Jasper grabs my arm, "Come on now Bella, tell me what you thought of."

A wave of calm and comfort loosens my tongue and I giggle slightly as I gush out, "I realized that I've been in bed with half the Cullen men now."

Jasper's thunderous laughter startles me out of his emotional influence and I feel my cheeks flame bright red. He shakes his head at me, "We'll work on the other two, don't worry."

I once again stomp past him to another bed and try to find one that isn't about as comfortable as a slab of concrete or the consistency of quick sand.

After testing out the formidable mattress section recommended to us I finally narrow it down to my choice. In a loose kind of interpretation this has a distinct Goldilocks feel to it.

I've found the perfect bed, not too hard and not too soft.

The girl who of course was spying on us the entire time comes running over with a pad of paper to write the identification number down. Jasper and I follow her back to the desk and I try to peer at the paper to see the price.

I don't think I even want to know.

I finally manage to get the price within my view range when Jasper bumps into me. Let me reiterate once again the perfection that is the Cullen's so naturally that was an intentional bump.

He shoots me an innocent look as I turn to him accusingly and waits as the girl calls for the mattress to be brought in its package. "Oh! Of course I forgot to offer you the water resistant shield!"

Her chipper expression makes me want to back away slowly but I stay where I am and opt to give her a strange look, "Pardon?"

She throws her hands up as if I'm completely out of the loop of everything, "The water resistant shield on the outside of the package. We've done research and with the shield it's fully protected from water damage!"

I start to tell her no thank you but Jasper cuts me off, "And if say you put the shield on twice would it be protected if it happened to be submerged partially in water for an extended period of time?"

The girl nods enthusiastically obviously happy to have good news for him. Jasper raises his eyebrows at me, "We'll take the double shield then."

As the girl runs off to alert whoever she needs to I look at Jasper suspiciously. "Why is the mattress going to be getting wet?"

He looks at me with his eyes bright and excited, "Bella have you ever read Huck Finn?"

I frown, what relevancy does that have with mattresses? "A long time ago why?"

Jasper just shrugs, "I guess you'll find out in a few minutes then."

The girl is practically hurtling over any obstacles in her way to get back to the desk, "Your mattress is all set."

Jasper grins at her and then shoves me towards the door, "Go and wait by it I'll be there right away."

I timidly go and stand by the giant king sized mattress. And that water resistant shield? It looks like plastic wrap. Jasper materializes at my side and motions to the bed, "Hop on. Quickly, before anyone comes."

I stare at him for a moment, "What?" He doesn't answer me however; he forcibly tosses me onto the mattress and lifts it up to run into the nearby forested area. The Cullen's are really lucky that Forks has so many trees.

I feel like I'm on one of those couches the Romans were carried around on. Except of course I'm not Roman and I'm on a mattress being carried by a vampire instead of my slaves.

Maybe it's just me but I don't think Jasper would take too well to me calling him my slave boy or Edward for that matter.

The mattress is lowered to the ground again and I look around at where we are. There are trees covered in moss, a given, and a huge river.

Jasper points to the River and cocks his head at me, "Recognize it?"

Is he joking? It's running water how would I have any clue what River it would be? "Should I?"

He swiftly walks to a collapsed tree and neatly breaks it into log sized pieces, "This is the River that branches off behind the house."

Honestly now, am I going to be acquainted with all possible ways to arrive at the Cullen's by waterway?

I gawk at him wordlessly as I absorb the fact we're be traveling on the River. "So let me get this straight. In order to avoid being conspicuous we're going to _raft_ down a River? Don't you think that would bring more attention to us?"

He's moving so quickly I can barely see him but once he backs away from his work I see he's made a caged enclosure that hides the mattress from view and leaves a wooden raft for our use.

"In a way, yes but when people see us rafting down the River they'll just think we're insane, whereas if they saw me running with the mattress they would think, 'Did you see that feat of superhuman strength? I must alert the media!' Do you see the difference?"

I shoot him a look and cautiously inspect the raft, "And you're sure this will float?"

Jasper rolls his eyes at me and loops his arm through mine tugging me onto the raft with him. I sit down afraid I'm going to topple into the frigid water but besides for the gentle push to get us moving the raft is pretty stable.

Now his Huck Finn reference makes sense. "So is there a particular reason we're reenacting Jim and Huck's favorite way to travel or were you just feeling particularly adventurous?"

At this Jasper looks up from his paddling with a small smile, "Well there are quite a few reasons actually, which would you like to hear?"

I shrug as I glance around not feeling any sense of recognition to our location whatsoever, "I think we've got a long trip ahead of us why don't you go through them all."

He takes a deep breathe in preparation, "First off the most obvious reason is we can't fit this into any of the cars. The Jeep would have been able to handle it but as seeing the chase was only last week it's not exactly safe to drive yet no matter the paint job and different license plate. Then of course the whole people witnessing me running ordeal that we try to avoid and the last reason is I used to do this when I was human and I miss it."

I lift my eyebrows at him in awe, "Like Huck and Jim?"

Jasper chuckles at my expression, "Well for the most part, the rafting down the Mississippi in the South part, not the helping a runaway slave to freedom."

Lying back onto the raft I let the patchy light straining through the trees glint off my face. It's very relaxing out here, not anything like my last trip on water although we were underneath the water so that might have something to do with it.

Jasper sighs contently, "Isn't this nice? Using the trees as a vehicle instead of steel and gasoline and letting the River carry us. It's just us and nature..." His eyes turn to a group of bushes rapidly, "And the Police."

My eyes fly open as I sit up, "What?"

That's when I hear it, a faint Police siren getting closer and then quiet voices and footsteps. Again? What did I do this time?

I understand perfectly what went wrong the last time I was involved with the Police but what are we doing now that could be in violation with the law?

A grouping of three Policemen emerge from the bushes alongside us and one of them sighs in resignation, "Well I'll be, there are really kids rafting down the River, I owe Jimmy twenty bucks."

A different one motions for us to come to the bank, "If you wouldn't mind stopping for a moment we just need to clear a few things up."

Jasper turns the raft towards the Policemen and once he gets close enough secures it against a tree. We haven't spoken a word to each other and when he turns to help me off the Raft I can see his amused smirk at the turn of events.

I try to remain calm and reassure myself that everything will work out alright, I hope.

The third Policeman pulls something out of a bag and looks the two of us over carefully, "Now you're not doing anything wrong exactly but rafting when it's fifty degrees outside is slightly suspicious. If you don't mind we'd just like to do a quick Breathalyzer test to be sure you're not endangering anyone."

My mind goes completely blank once I hear the word Breathalyzer and I have the biggest urge to start laughing but that would probably just reinforce their suspicions.

They actually think we're drunk for rafting down a River, only in Forks would this happen.

Not to mention they don't even know about the mattress we're carting, they'd probably think what was full of illegal substances.

Jasper shoots me one hysterically wide smile but steps forward somberly facing the officers. He exhales into the device and waits patiently while they inspect it.

The officers nod at the result but don't say anything then wave me over. I carefully blow into the weird contraption then nervously back away.

What if I come up positive? Not that I've been drinking this morning or ever really, I think alcohol is repugnant but that's not the point.

They won't believe that.

The officers all exchange a surprised look, "Well kids you're clean and you're not behaving in a way that would suggest a drug test so I guess you can continue on your way."

Before they walk away though the one who lost the bet asks curiously, "Can I just ask why you aren't using a car?"

Jasper shoots him a cheeky smile, "Well sir a car wouldn't float on the water."

I lightly hit him as the officer frowns and they head back to their car.

I clamber back onto the raft and let out a heavy sigh of relief once we get going again. "I can't believe that just happened."

Jasper however looks at me skeptically, "I can, if you hadn't noticed when you spend time with us the strangest occurrences happen to us, all the time."

I nod in allowance to that and try to get back the relaxed state I was in before we got pulled over on suspicions of drunk rafting.

We travel along without any other troubles and after half an hour Jasper taps my arm, "We're almost back."

I stretch my stiff limbs from sitting on the wood and look up to see Alice waiting anxiously, all the purchases we made earlier in the week clutched in her tiny arms.

I hop off the raft and look over to see Esme, Rose and Emmett standing on the edge of the forest watching us. "Why are they over there?"

Alice turns to me excitedly, "They still don't know what the present is but they're ready to help so if you want to tell them then we can set everything up quicker."

I wave them over to me, of course I want them to know what the present is, why wouldn't I?

Once everyone is converged around me and Jasper has dissembled the raft I announce, "For those who are not already aware, I am getting Edward a bed for his birthday."

Rose claps her hands together gleefully, "That's _perfect_! He's going to love it."

Emmett looks at me impressed and Esme appears to have put herself into self induced coma brought on by happiness.

Alice whistles to get everyone's attention, "Alright everyone we need to get this ready before Edward returns. Emmett, Jasper set up the bed frame and headboard. Esme if you wouldn't mind supervising? You know how they get. You, Rose and I can put the sheets on because I don't trust them to do it and until then Rose and I will be getting Bella ready. Everyone know what they're doing? Good, let's go!"

Emmett and Jasper shoot out of sight carrying the mattress with Esme trailing behind. I look at Rose and Alice warily, "What do you mean get me ready?"

Rose smiles brightly, "You'll see!" She proceeds to toss me over her shoulder and when she places me back down I'm in her bathroom, again.

Alice dances into the room holding a garment bag and I try to back away from them, "Really, I'm dressed perfectly fine the way I am."

This causes them to exchange a dark look and Alice takes my arm in her unbreakable grip, "Let's start with hair, shall we?"

I try to pull away but you think by now I would realize it's no use.

Glancing around I can't figure out what exactly we're going to be doing with my hair by the bathtub but Alice smirks at me, "Take a breath."

Frowning I start to ask her what she means when she abruptly shoves my head into the bathtub full of water I hadn't noticed. She releases me and I splutter in indignation wiping the water out of my eyes, "Are you trying to drown me?"

Rolling her eyes she shoves me into a chair already toweling my hair, "I told you to take a breath."

Rose starts taking sections of my hair and blow drying them; this will occupy a good chunk of time where I'm safe at least.

That's when Esme appears at the door, "The bed is set up, and we're ready to put the sheets and hangings up."

They all turn to look at me and Alice purses her lips, "We don't all need to be in Edward's room and someone needs to finish blow-drying Bella's hair."

Esme and Alice shift their gazes pointedly at Rose and she folds her arms over her chest, "You think even he can handle a blow dryer right?"

I attempt to figure out who they're talking about but the next minute they all disappear and I look around in confusion, "Uh, hello? Anyone care to tell me what's going on?"

The doorway is suddenly filled by Emmett's large frame. I notice he's holding something behind his back and attempt to see what it is but he just shifts with me to block it from sight. "Isn't it kind of strange how we're both here at the same place, at the same time, all alone?"

I blanch involuntarily as I back away from him; this isn't terrifying at all of course. "It's not really that strange Emmett, they sent you in here to finish my hair."

He considers this for a moment then gives me a reassuring smile, "I suppose, and while they gave me specific directions I think my plan will work out much better."

I keep slowly backing away from him until my back hits the wall, "What plan is that?"

Emmett's grin becomes maniacal; once again, as he shows me the item he was hiding behind his back. Oh no, he can't be serious.

He has a leaf blower.

Before I can open my mouth to protest he turns the machine on full blast and the toiling air pins me to the wall.

My screams bring Rose hurtling into the bathroom and she wrestles the leaf blower away from Emmett, kindly turning it off.

The expression on Rose's face is a mixture of confusion and resignation. She points Emmett away from the bathroom, "Go." He shrugs innocently and leaves the bathroom whistling to the Mr. Clean tune as Rose stares fixedly at my hair.

I realize I haven't looked at it yet and glance in the mirror.

Oh my, that's definitely not good.

My hair looks as it would if I was lying down and fanned it out around me except for the part that I'm standing up. I would imagine I'd look like this if I stuck a fork into a socket.

It's nice to know I can achieve the electrocuted shock victim look from a leaf blower as well as actual electrical currents.

Rose gently leads me to a chair and sits me down. After a few moments of her rubbing some strange cream into my hair I feel it fall back into its place around my shoulders.

She sighs as she grabs a tube of some sort of make-up, "Sorry about that, I should have known he couldn't have even handled a blow dryer. Not that we actually know since he used a leaf blower. Close your eyes please."

I obligingly close my eyes, knowing that while she feels sorry for me she won't go all out. I sit perfectly still in the chair and let her put whatever it is she puts on me until she holds up one item I do recognize, blush.

Leaping out of the chair I wave my hands in front of me, "No way. My cheeks already get red enough as it is. Do I really need to resemble a clown?"

Rose smiles threateningly, "I was taking it easy on you because I felt bad about Emmett's blow drying attempt but if you're going to be ungrateful..." She trails off in an ominous tone and I hurriedly resume my seat, glowering at her.

It's amazing how quickly her smile turns from menacing to bright, "Don't worry I am going all out tomorrow and there is nothing you can do about it because it's _my_ reception!"

A shudder runs through me at that and I clench my eyes shut, a weak attempt to block out memories of the last time Rose went 'all out' with the make-up.

This was no mix up with Victorian whore house style; I truly looked well I'd rather not get into that at the moment.

All I have to say is blue eye shadow frightens me to an unreasonable amount.

Once Rose is satisfied with her work she tosses me the garment bag and leaves the room for me to get dressed. I love how they invade my privacy any time they feel yet at the oddest times they'll leave me be.

Shaking my head I open the bag and pull out an emerald cotton dress. To my immense surprise I really like it.

I pull the dress over my head and slip on the pair of silver slippers Alice laid out earlier.

Turning to the mirror I gaze at my reflection actually feeling like myself for once and happy with it. My hair is cascading down my back, thankfully, with a single clip holding back one side near my face.

Rose's lightly done make-up enhances my eyes and lips; at least this is something I can handle. And the dress is lovely, exactly my style.

The door flies open as Alice traipses over to me bouncing on her heels, "Come look! It's all in place and Edward's going to be here in half an hour."

As she half drags me down the hall she runs her eyes over my final outcome, "You look stunning if I do say so myself."

I blush in response and once we reach Edward's door she shoves me through. My eyes become the size of saucers as I take in the sight of the bed standing in Edward's room.

It looks even better than I imagined and believe me, I imagined it.

We actually pulled it off; the perfect gift is still a surprise.

I feel extremely emotional as I walk over to Jasper and Alice and throw my arms around them, "Thank you for shopping with me and keeping this from Edward the whole week. I know how hard it was for you."

They both grin at me and Jasper ruffles my hair as I turn to Esme and hug her, "And thank you for helping get Edward out of here and getting everything ready."

I walk to where Rose is standing and throw myself at her as well, "You helped get me ready and saved me from Emmett, thank you!"

My eyes burn with unshed tears of gratitude when Emmett interrupts my appreciation by coughing loudly. Oh, right, Emmett.

Did he help in any positive way? I turn to him speculatively, "Well, you, uh..."

Everyone bursts into a muffled bout of laughter as Emmett sighs huffily; I consider him for a moment then roll my eyes and hug him too. "Whatever, you helped set up the bed I suppose."

Esme shoos us all out of the room, "Does everyone have their own gifts ready?"

This causes the group of vampires to scatter off in all directions and leaves me standing in their wake.

I slowly walk down the stairs to sit on the piano bench and stay out of their way. A gust of air hits me and as I look up I see the entire room decked out in streamers, confetti and sparkles.

Alice giggles as she sprinkles the glitter around me, "When he comes you're taking him to his gift right away, there is no way we're letting a mere twenty minutes ruin a week's worth of our labors."

I nod as I watch her decorate and then I recall something Edward said on my birthday. "Alice? Edward told me on my birthday to behave because you all haven't celebrated a real birthday in ages."

She looks up from her decorating, "And you're wondering what he meant when clearly we're celebrating his birthday now?"

I smile and trace a pattern in the sparkles beside me, "Basically."

Alice continues in her mission to make the house as sparkly as possible but answers as she works, "He meant an actual birthday. Once you're a vampire you do age but you're immortal. That's not nearly as fun as a real birthday where you actually age."

I let her continue on her way and impatiently squirm in my spot waiting for Edward to come home.

I don't have to wait long and there's no mistake when he walks through the door.

It bursts open with such force I'm surprised it doesn't rip clean off the hinges. His face is absolutely livid as he storms in and shoots a glare at Carlisle's joyful countenance behind him.

I hesitantly stand and walk up to him, the angry expression on his face melts away as he looks me over.

He strokes my hair and lets his thumb brush across my lower lip, "What's the special occasion?"

A grin lights my face as I take his hand and lead him up the stairs, "Your birthday silly and I'm taking you to your gift."

Edward seems surprised that I would dress up for his birthday and I leave out the fact I hadn't been planning on doing so because I really am glad I did.

He follows along complacently and I look back at him as I direct him to his room. "Ok, close your eyes and promise not to peek."

His crooked smile appears as he closes his eyes, "I promise."

Pushing the door open with my back towards it I guide Edward to stand directly in front of the bed, "You can open them now."

I can hear his breath catch and he stands completely immobile taking in every detail of the bed. Slowly moving forward he runs his hand over the wood and the hangings in amazement.

I step lightly around him to lie down on the bed and watch as his golden eyes gaze at my gift in wonder. He turns his attention to me and lies down beside me, his eyes focused only on my face now. "You got me a bed."

I bite my lip to prevent from snickering at his obvious statement. "Do you like it?"

He moves closer to me, his icy fingers tracing their way to my collarbone. "Bella, you have given me more than I could have ever wanted. You are too good to me."

My face heats up at the look in his eyes and he leans in to tenderly press his lips against mine. I try to behave I really do, but I can't stop myself as my hands snake around his neck and settle in his hair.

My body is moving as if completely unattached from my mind, my hands begin to tantalizingly stroke their way through his windswept hair and I feel the way his body tenses against mine.

I shudder as he moves his lips to leave lingering kisses along my neck. Before I realize what's happened Edward has me pinned to the bed with his legs straddling my waist.

Reaching up I pull him closer to me and he groans as our lips crash together again. Winding their way up his arms my fingers spread until I find I'm gripping onto him tightly trying to bring our bodies closer still.

I soft moan escapes my lips as he carefully lowers himself from his pristine position hovering several inches above me and we make full contact. He takes my lower lip between his and winds his hands into my hair tugging lightly to arch my head.

My grip tightening on his arms and the way my heart picks up even more speed seem to bring him back to reality.

Edward breaks apart from me and breathing heavily leaves to sit on his couch a safe distance away. I let my head fall back into the bed and focus on turning my panting into normal breathing.

Warily I watch his face expecting to see the usual expression of self loathing that adorns it when he lets himself go too far but he just seductively smirks at my curious glances.

Once not only his, but my breathing as well, returns to normal does he come lay beside me once again.

My eyes stray to his lips and the way they look darkened from our excursion, we might have to wait a little while before going downstairs I don't really want to have to deal with any jibes from Emmett.

Wrapping his arms around my waist he pulls me closer to him and brushes the hair back out of my face, "You should let Charlie know you're sleeping over. The way Rose is thinking I don't think she's letting you leave the house."

I sigh and tap his nose, "Too bad you'll be keeping me company while I sleep so I don't suffocate on the canopy hangings. You won't be able to help with the decorating she'll be doing at all hours of the night."

Smiling he pulls me into a sitting position along with him and takes my hand. I stagger to my feet and we head back down the stairs to the room where the rest of the Cullen's are waiting.

Emmett wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at us and I roll my eyes and sit beside Edward as he begins opening his presents.

I watch his reactions of false surprise upon opening each gift, knowing what each and every one was beforehand.

I stay by his side up until the point when he opens Jasper's, the lava lamp. Edward shakes his head at Jasper then a puzzled expression appears on his face.

I glance back to Jasper and realize some sort of mental replay has occurred when Edward smirks at me. "So, you've been in bed with half the Cullen men have you?"

I blanch and grab the phone hurriedly alerting Charlie to spending my night over with Alice. After I hang up I wave goodnight to the wickedly amused Cullen clan and race up the stairs to get plenty or rest for tomorrow.

We all know I'm going to need a lot more than rest to make it through the reception.

But as far as I'm concerned as long as there is no blue eye shadow involved I'm game.

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A/N: Well there you go, I hope you liked Edward's birthday. I'm pretty sure that the next chapter will be the last one so you'll only have to deal with my updating issues one more time for this story at least. Review if you have the time or patience to do so. And Deathly Hallows? Is anyone else in near hysterics? Plus Eclipse is getting increasingly closer as well. 


	6. The Twenty Eighth Wedding Reception

A/N: I'm going to keep this brief so you can get to the reading. This is the last chapter, I'm feeling quite accomplished. The Update? We all know I have severe problems with that so I apologize again as I have every other time. And lastly the reviews! You all are so nice to me, I can't thank you enough so here you go, the final installment, enjoy!**  
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**The Twenty Eighth Wedding Reception**

My parched throat is the reason I wake up and throw my legs over the bed to go get a glass of water.

It's only after I stumble forward and walk straight into the wall that I realize I'm not in my room. After a moment or two of touching the wall and confirming for sure that this is definitely not my wall I rub my forehead and look around bewildered.

A musical voice comes back from the bed, "Bella, while I am capable of many logic defying feats walking through walls is not one of them. I don't mean to burst your bubble but if it's impossible for me, it's most likely impossible for you."

I twirl around to stare at Edward as he smiles at me from his sprawled position across his new bed.

Suddenly I remember that I spent the night at the Cullen's and scramble to look at the clock. It's only one thirty in the morning, I've been asleep for a couple of hours.

Edward gets up and guides me over to the bed. As I climb under the covers I forget what I got up for until I swallow and the dry scratchiness reminds me, ever so kindly.

"Water", I croak out pointing feebly towards my throat.

Finally realizing why I was ambling about in the early morning hours Edward gives me a kiss on the forehead, "I'll go get you some, you only had to ask."

I mumble something under my breath unintelligibly, still in a stupor and try to discern him from the shadowy wall.

Right as he's about to walk through the door he pauses and looks back to me, "I would like to tell you shouldn't be worried if I'm not back in five minutes, but that would be a blatant lie. So I'm not quite sure if I will be able to make it back, the only piece of advice I give you is to go back to sleep. Rose is considering sunrise your wake up time today."

He opens the door and I hear it close instantaneously then the covers fly up as someone dives beneath.

Ok, I'm fully aware Edward is unnaturally fast but I don't think that him returning _this _quickly is possible. "Edward?"

Nobody responds but the mystery guest buries themselves deeper into the covers. "Edward, is that you?"

By now I'm pretty sure that it isn't Edward, using my excellent deductive skills. So doing the only thing I can do, I wrench the covers up to see who in cowering in bed with me.

The yelp of surprise is on my lips as I see who is hiding in the bed but his cold hand whips out and muffles my cry.

Urgently he whispers, "Please keep quiet Bella, I don't want her to find me."

I stare open mouthed at none other than the highly praised, supposed father of my "boyfriend", Dr. Carlisle Cullen.

I've seen many emotions on Carlisle's face but I can guarantee his expression of terror is one I have never seen before. Leaning forward he tugs me down into a lying position and throws the covers back over his head, "I barely managed to escape."

Remembering the time I give him a dubious look, "You've only been at it for a few hours."

His eyes seem to bulge, "Only? _Only_? Do you realize what she's made us do? Edward probably won't be back until noon, if he's lucky."

I try to give him a sympathetic look then the reality of the situation hits me. Why does the world hate me?

Now I've been in bed with three fourths of the Cullen men.

If I stop to think about, since it's not something I've often done, I would have to say the order in which I've been in a bed with the Cullen's is rather strange.

Obviously Edward was first but from then on I would have never thought it possible I would be in a bed with Carlisle before Emmett.

See, Emmett's the type of character that I would tell him to get in the bed with me and he'd jump in giving no second thoughts to the oddity of the situation.

If I said the same thing to Carlisle however, much embarrassment and humiliation would follow.

I sigh and rub my eyes when the door flies open, yet again. I wait for something else to happen but after a moment nothing does. Motioning towards the covers I cock an eyebrow at Carlisle.

He warily squints at the sheets as if they'll tell him who it is.

What are we even doing? I'll just take a quick glance to see who it is. Tugging the covers down I'm met with Rosalie's furious glower only inches from my face.

I shriek and burrow back under the covers as I give Carlisle an apologetic wince.

Rose throws the fool proof protection, also known as thin cloth, off of the two of us and after shooting an acidic look to Carlisle drags me downstairs. Mind you I'm still in the dress from yesterday and look as if I was mauled by a herd of wildebeests.

I'm led to a semi-circle formed around Jasper and Edward who are looking none too comfortable.

"Did you know?" Rose asks whirling on me.

I look around at everyone in confusion, "About what?"

Alice's unblinking gaze rests on me for a long minute then she turns to Rose, "She has no clue."

At this Rose turns her fierce glare back to the two vampires herded in the middle. Afraid I might be hurled through the wall for speaking I venture timidly, "Er...what's going on?"

Clenching her fists tightly Rose gives me a horrific smile, "Well it appears that at some point Jasper and Edward decided they did not like their wedding attire and they have disposed of it beyond recovery at the current moment."

The way Rose is convulsing while trying to take a calm breath makes me think Edward forgot one rather important thing.

When he listed off possible ways for a vampire to be killed he clearly missed the memo that stealing clothing for Rosalie made you as prime a target for death as pissing of the Volturi.

I stare incredulously at Edward's angelic disposition, "Have you lost your mind?" You'd think being over one hundred years old would make him wiser, apparently this is not the case.

Emmett looks between his wife and his brothers torn on whether or not he should be congratulating or scolding them.

He settles with a disapproving glare but when Rose turns her back he gives them a huge grin and a thumbs up.

Rose manages to get her temper under control for the moment, I can tell by the way her nostrils are no longer flaring. "Bella, since you're awake and Carlisle since you seem to want some bonding time with Bella; you two may go scour this town, this state, this **country** for their frock coats and top hats."

Strangely enough Carlisle looks relieved by this mission. Perhaps he's forgotten the only thing we have to go on is the missing items.

I glance at Alice to see if she has any helpful leads and she motions me over, "They hired someone to hide them so they honestly have no clue where they are. If I get anything else I'll call you."

We slide past Esme who's organizing the geraniums and Carlisle let's me buckle my seat belt before high tailing it out of the garage.

As I glance at the window I realize that it's pitch black, far too early to be sent on a quest for wedding attire. Plus, how are we going to talk to anybody at this hour?

They'd most likely slam the door in our face or call the Police. Shudder.

Neither of us says a word as the car zooms silently down the completely deserted road. Only once Carlisle's manic smile fades into content happiness at finally escaping Rose's bridezilla demeanor does he start to slow down.

I wrinkle my nose, "So first off we need to figure out who they would get to hide their things for them."

Carlisle looks at me speculatively, "I agree. Now let's think of it from their viewpoint. Perhaps a little role playing might help?"

We fall into another silent stretch as I try to figure out if he's serious or not. Carlisle is really into alternative learning methods, role playing being his favorite.

It's mostly when I'm studying by the Cullen's; he always intervenes with his "helpful" knowledge enhancing ideas.

When I was learning about United States expansionism he made a monopoly board with all the territories and even the game pieces were the correct historical figures.

Sighing I answer him grudgingly, "Alright then."

His answering smile is blinding, "So, I think I can pull off Jasper due to the hair, what do you think?"

Ok if we're going off looks what am I going to be? A tree? I don't really resemble any of the Cullen's.

Pointing to my face I ask calmly, "Carlisle, how do I look like Edward?"

He frowns for a moment after realizing that in fact I do not resemble Edward with my dark hair and eyes. "Well... you're pale. So is Edward, you're perfect for the part."

I decide not to point out the obvious fact that all of them are pale.

He doesn't bother looking at me for a response as we continue down the main roads, "I despise top hats, don't you **Edward**."

I answer him with an eye roll but he nudges me in the ribs for a better reply, "Why yes, **Jasper**, I do despise top hats."

Carlisle nods understandingly, "So since both of us have a great dislike for our wedding clothes let's hide them!"

I try to get into character and throw in one of Edward's proper phrasings, "I agree most wholeheartedly."

Carlisle blanches at me, "Perhaps it would have been a better idea for me to be Edward."

I shoot him an icy look as I cross my arms, "Maybe you should have but that doesn't matter. We're only repeating what we already know."

With a groan I slam my head onto the dashboard only to look up seconds after as Carlisle points to something in the distance. He speeds up and then parks pulling me alongside him as we trample our way down a wooded path.

I can see the vague outline of what looks like running water in front of me.

I seriously do not understand this fixation the Cullen's have with bodies of water, really I don't. "Carlisle, now is not exactly the time for a swim."

He shakes his head at me, "We're not going swimming, there's a fisherman down here and I want to question him."

My eyes widen as I see the random man sitting on a folding chair with his fishing pole, "You want to go up to some person who happens to be up at the same time we are and interrogate him?"

Carlisle continues towards the man, "Well how do we know they weren't just driving and got some random person to do it for them? We don't. I think we should investigate all the possible options."

The man pushes back his hat watching us suspiciously as we come up to him. I suppose he's afraid we're going to steal his prime spot.

Carlisle gives him an easy smile and instantly the man's mistrust falls away, "Hello there, I was just wondering if you have had two teenaged boys come up to you and ask you to hide their clothing for them? They might have possibly offered you monetary compensation?"

In response to this everyday question he looks from Carlisle to me in disbelief, "No. I haven't, now if you'll excuse me."

He turns his back to us and as he hunches over I think I might see the glint of a cell phone.

Quickly I grab Carlisle's arm, "Alright, sorry for bothering you, we're leaving now."

Carlisle looks disappointed but I jump in the car before he can say a word. Once we are safely inside however he lets me have it, "Bella, I really think we were getting somewhere with that."

I nod along with him, "Yeah, I thought we were too, and that somewhere would be _jail_. He thought we were lunatics!"

He sighs heavily not admitting I'm right but wanting to drop the topic. I pick up my phone and start dialing.

Carlisle's head whips to me, "I hope you're not calling Alice, Rose will murder you, literally."

Rolling my eyes I continue dialing, "Thanks, I do realize that but someone else can give us the information too."

If I'm right and I'm pretty sure I can't be wrong about something like this, Rose is focused on absolute perfection.

Naturally that means Emmett must be as far away as possible from everything important.

Emmett merrily answers his phone, "Hello?"

Carlisle relaxes once he hears who I've called, "Hey Emmett, it's me." There's a pause and I frown, "Emmett?"

Finally he responds sounding befuddled, "I'm sorry, who is this? I don't know anyone named _me_. Is it an abbreviation? A nickname?"

I sigh in exasperation and glower at Carlisle. He shrugs to me helplessly, "All I can do is apologize on his behalf, once again."

Emmett heard that one and huffs, "Hey, that's offensive! Now what can I do you for Bells?"

I make sure I'm facing away from Carlisle as I begin to talk, "Well I was just wondering if Alice has anything else to tell us."

Emmett begins to chuckle knowingly, "You role played didn't you."

Trying to fight back the grimace upon mentioning role playing I ignore his jibe, "Emmett, please, do you know anything?"

He adopts a more serious tone, "No, not as of now. Are you having any luck?"

I survey the dark sky and completely bare road around us, "Uh, not really. We ran into a fisherman and asked him a few questions but he thought we were escapists from a mental institution, no offense to Alice."

It's almost like I can feel Emmett smirking through the phone, "Well at least it's a start. I'd suggest some other game like 'Make a profile of the perfect person we're looking for' to get out of role playing. By the way who were you?"

My eyes widen as I take in Emmett's words. It's so obvious now that I didn't even realize it, "Emmett!"

He interrupts before I can continue, "Why was I in the role play?"

I snort at him, "I was Edward, not you, but Emmett that's a great idea! You're a genius!"

Carlisle looks at me skeptically, "Let's not go overboard now Bella."

Emmett however sighs in a bored way, "I heard that too and Bella it's nice to know that somebody finally can appreciate my genius. It's a precious thing that's been cultivated over time and not everyone can understand how brilliant I am."

I'm waving my hands around in a frantic way and hurriedly say goodbye and hang up the phone. Carlisle seems to be in a brighter disposition as well, "Alright let's start this profile shall we?"

I nod and list off the first most identifying characteristic, "Male or female?"

Carlisle's expression leads me to imagine the light bulb suddenly lighting up above his head, "Of course! I didn't even think about that! It all makes sense now; all we have to do is..."

He trials off and I stare at him expectantly. "It's a female, and one who they've already had a lot of sway over but not a lot of communication with."

I stare at him wordlessly, how he managed to come up with all of that from my just saying male or female I have no idea. I frown as I take into account his requirements.

Who is a female that both Edward and Jasper already know, that they don't spend a lot of time with but obviously can dazzle and isn't an obvious suspect for us? As of now I can't think of anyone.

Honestly the only person I can think of that Edward has dazzled multiple times, besides me, and of the human category is poor Ms. Cope.

I gasp and my eyes widen, "They didn't! Carlisle, I know who they went to!" Carlisle looks mildly skeptical but let's me continue on my epiphany, "They went to Ms. Cope!"

He frowns for a half a second then looks at me in awe, "I think you're right."

Slowly he pulls to the side of the road, again, and looks at me inquisitively, "So now, would she hide the items at her house or at the school?"

I ponder this new question silently. If I was a red headed middle aged woman completely captivated by two under aged gods where would I keep their strange clothes?

Ms. Cope probably figures nobody in their right mind would even want to break into the school and honestly why would anyone? "I'd say the school. Wouldn't you find a public building safer than your own home and less expected?"

Carlisle seems elated that we managed to figure out the unsolvable mystery and makes haste to get us near the school.

Once the car is carefully hidden in the nearby woods he turns to me, "Bella, would you get the panty hose please?"

I stare at him as if he's completely lost his mind and repeat his words vacantly, "The panty hose?"

Carlisle looks at my expression oddly, "You mean you don't know about Edward's panty hose?"

This has me choking on my own saliva, "Pardon?"

Unless I've been walking around with a blindfold I'm pretty sure I've seen neither Carlisle nor Edward ever wear panty hose.

Carlisle sighs and leans over me to open the glove compartment "Let me explain. A couple of decades ago an incident came up where Alice really needed a nice pair of panty hose. Since then she's made everyone keep a pair in their glove compartment, you've probably never looked in Edward's though."

He holds up the package of dark tights and rips it open then carefully tears the material into two even sections. Tossing one to me he pulls the other over his head and I can't help but snort.

It's like a low budget action movie. "We're going to look even more suspicious."

But Carlisle is already opening my door for me, "Yes, but at least no one will be able to recognize us."

I tug my own piece of fabric over my head and snicker at my reflection, "Who do you really think is going to be in the main school office on a Sunday at two thirty in the morning?"

He answers me with a stern look and I stop antagonizing him. I realize how comical this is as Carlisle expertly unlocks the door and slips into the building, one of the towns most coveted members is breaking and entering.

I quietly follow him and shut the door tightly behind me locking it again to make sure everything is exactly as it was before we came in. Stumbling blindly forward I try to figure out where he went but there's no need as he grabs my hand and leads me over to the front desk.

After scanning the room he looks back to me with a hopeful expression and I know exactly what he's thinking.

And let me tell you, I don't enjoy the direction of his thoughts because yet again it involves role playing.

It should be a criminal offense how the Cullen's manipulate me into feeling so guilty. And his face is even covered in a ripped piece of panty hose.

Carlisle's broken expression causes me to sigh painfully, "Alright, we can role play."

He smiles brightly and I roll my eyes, "So who am I now?"

Carlisle pauses for a second, "Well you can be Ms. Cope since both of you are in love with Edward."

A slightly disgusted look crosses my face and I shudder at what Edward must have to suffer through from the woman's thoughts. "So who will you be then?"

After another moment of peering around he declares, "I'll be the nurse!"

I do try; I really try not to burst out laughing. It's just when I look at Carlisle and think of the elderly woman who's normally here as the nurse I can't help it.

I shake my head, we have to get going or end up victims to Rosalie's temper.

"So there my medically educated friend, I Ms. Cope am amazed that those two irresistible Cullen boys came here and asked me to hide their odd clothes."

Carlisle seems impressed with my performance, "Why yes, I couldn't agree more. What ever are you going to do with those clothes?"

I can't help but goof off just a little bit, "I'll get back to you on that. I can't stop dreaming about that tempting jailbait known as Edward Cullen fathering my children."

I've pretty much pushed Carlisle's envelope to its bursting point. He breaks into startled laughter, shaking his head at me, "Well, Ms. Cope I didn't realize your feelings were so strong."

As I giggle at Carlisle who is trying to regain his composure I get the same feeling of revelation I felt in the car.

What if this really happened? Not discussing Ms. Cope's desire to ravish Edward, I hope for everyone's sake that's just me being ridiculous, but talking with the nurse.

Walking past Carlisle I hurry into the tiny room that I had gone in after the proclaimed Biology Incident and lift the mattress up. Of course I can actually only get the mattress raised several inches so Carlisle comes in and lifts it for me.

The frock coats are lying, still in their garment bags, between the mattress and box spring.

My eyes light up and I glance around to see where the top hats would be, there's a tiny refrigerator by the desks and I pull it open to see the top hats, misting slightly from the temperature but otherwise unharmed.

Carlisle looks positively giddy as he perches a top hat on his head and the other jauntily on me. "That was brilliant Bella, Rose will be extremely pleased and that means hopefully not as er...forceful."

I smile happily as I take the arm Carlisle offers me and we start to walk out of the building. What nobody was expecting was the arrival Ms. Cope.

All three of us freeze in our tracks and stare at one another, naturally though Ms. Cope can only see two people who look like robbers. I can see the mixture of incredulity that someone actually came to steal the items she was supposed to hide and the fear she's emanating at our presence.

The scene breaks into motion once again as Ms. Cope shrieks and dives for the phone.

Before she can even touch it Carlisle unplugs the cord and tosses me over his shoulder as he flees the premises. Once we're both in the car with our finds still in tact we quickly leave the school and return to the Cullen's.

By now it's three in the morning and I'm feeling quite productive.

Carlisle and I quickly walk into the house and when Jasper sees us holding the wedding clothes his jaw drops in disbelief, "No! There is no way you could have..."

Carlisle smirks at his chagrin, "Well really it was all thanks to Ms. Cope's desire to have Edward's children that lead us to them."

Edward walks in with an alarmed expression, "Who wants to rape me?"

I wink at him from behind Carlisle and Jasper lets out a bark of laughter but cuts off abruptly upon Rose's entrance.

The smile that appears on Rosalie's face is so stunning beautiful I can only gawk at her, "You found them!" She takes the clothing from us and leaves right after glaring at Edward and Jasper.

Edward sighs and looks at Jasper woefully, "Well it was worth a shot."

Jasper nods in agreement, "We did all we could."

I roll my eyes at their response to such fury, they're only lucky Rosalie loves them. Carlisle squeezes past me, "I'm going to go help Esme with the geraniums."

I rub my eyes tiredly; the exhaustion of only a couple of hours of sleep is finally catching up with me. "Do you think I could sleep for a little while before I'm forced into enslavement for the reception?"

Edward's eyes are immediately on me, "Of course! She won't want you passing out in your baked potatoes." He sweeps me up into his arms and carries me back to his room and under the covers.

I refuse to let go of him as he tries to pull away and let me sleep, chuckling he lies down with me as well. "Rose won't be too happy with me."

Through half lidded eyes I attempt to give him a critical look, "She's already not happy with you."

I drift off almost immediately and manage to get a few hours of sleep in, enough where I won't pass out, before Rose comes and wakes me up a second time. I can see the sun beginning to rise out the window and yawn loudly as I'm heaved to my feet.

I pull away from her warily once I realize what's happening today and how she can rightfully go 'all out' but she smiles reassuringly, "Oh come on Bella, I just want to show you the flowers."

It's only _after_ I'm bound and gagged to a chair in Rosalie's bathroom with a copious amount of expensive and complicated belts that it occurs to me where I went wrong.

There's no way I should have trusted how calm she sounded, only hours before hand she was ready to chop off the head of anyone who got in her way. Plus I was the one that went flower shopping, why would I have needed to see them.

How lame am I?

I was only bound before but I tried to bite Rose in a feeble attempt to escape and they decided to take the necessary precautions to render me completely immobile.

So really the only thing I am in control of moving at the moment is my eyes.

Alice stands in front of me and cocks her head to the side, "Alright we're going to give you the list of what we're going to do to you. You have no choice in the matter whatsoever and if you cause grief we'll tell Charlie that it was you and not a technical glitch that taped over his game with a cooking show." I attempt to glower at them but all I can manage is narrowing my eyes.

I normally didn't watch much television and if it had been anything else but a cooking show I could have asked for Edward's help. I had done it when Edward had developed his expertise in the kitchen and I was feeling extremely worthless.

I watched a four hour cooking show about the different ways to prepare fish and somehow it ended up being recorded, over one of Charlie's games.

They were stooping pretty low.

Alice smiles at me brightly and continues talking, "You're going to shower and use all of the products we give to you. After that you will have your hair and make up done. Once that is complete you will put on your outfit, accessories and shoes. Understand?"

A puzzled expression crosses my face as to what time this thing starts if they're already getting me ready at sun rise.

Alice frowns at my gag, "I'll take that off if you promise not to bite. We all make quite the effort to not bite you and I think it's only fair you return the favor. Unless of course Edward likes you biting him but that's a whole other matter I don't want to get into. So blink rapidly three times if you promise to behave."

I know I don't actually have a choice here so I blink rapidly three times. Translation; I handed over the last shreds of my free will to Alice and Rosalie.

I'd like to say I did all I could but in reality I waltzed right into their hands so I really didn't. And I am far beyond the point of insanity to use that as an excuse.

I keep my word though, or blinks rather as I'm put through an alarmingly vigorous process to achieve my top potential as a bridesmaid, at least that's how Rose explains it.

In the shower I use all of the strange bottles of products they shove in for me, even the one what when I spilt a bit it started eroding the wall.

It wasn't intense dedication that brought this on, I was that terrified of what would happen if I objected.

Two hours later I emerge from Rose's bathroom looking like well, a whore from the Victorian era. It's not bad though, the corset of course is cutting off a good deal of decent oxygen intake but the dress is beautiful.

Plus, no blue eye shadow, I have a smoky eyed thing going on.

I stumble from the room with my arms out in front of me pretending to try and grasp the sunlight, "The sun! I haven't seen the sun in years."

Alice chuckles beside me, fully dressed as I am but looking far more stunning, naturally. And let me once again mention how much easier this corset would be to wear if I didn't actually _have_ to breathe.

As we make our way down the stairs I can't help but gape at the house. I hadn't notice what it looked like this morning.

Never in my life did I ever think the mansion could be more perfect than it already was, I have been proven wrong. The geraniums are in little bunches along all the walls with airy streamers in some silvery material are hanging everywhere.

Alice takes my hand and leads me outside, "If you thought that looked nice come look at this."

I halt in my place as I take in the Cullen's backyard. A massive gazebo is smack dab in the middle of everything and there are towering light posts stationed everywhere.

It's like a fairy tale come true, too bad it needs to be nightfall to fully take effect.

I grin at Alice, "I approve, I can't even form words to say how amazing everything looks."

Suddenly a blur darts behind Alice and after much experience with these occurrences I can recognize it as Jasper.

I tilt my head to the side not really having to peer over her shoulder; it's still so strange for me, someone being significantly shorter than I am. "Jasper?"

He tries to cower behind her still and it reminds me of how I attempted to hide behind Emmett in the sumo suit. Needless to say, it's not working well. "Jasper, I know it's you, why are you trying to hide?"

Alice snickers at his expense and leaps gracefully on my other side exposing him to my view. He's wearing the frock coat and top hat but I hadn't realized the pants they would be wearing were so...tight.

He shifts uncomfortably and I giggle along with Alice unable to help myself. "Jasper, you look very handsome."

I throw it in to appease him because no matter how ridiculous he does look it doesn't change the fact that he's still undeniably attractive.

I expect him to glower at me but he lifts an eyebrow, "My, my, you little wench, did you just try and seduce me?"

Alice is no longer giggling; she's in all out hysterics at my expression of utter bewilderment. That's when it hits me; I forgot I was dressed like a whore. Even coming to that realization makes me cringe.

I never thought I would willingly allow myself to be dolled up as a prostitute. Well anything can happen while at the Cullen's.

I sigh in mock heaviness, "Was it that obvious? I'll have to be a little less conspicuous when I try to snag the groom then won't I?"

Edward's soft voice is suddenly right behind me, "Well, I see what happens to Bella when everyone starts wearing top hats."

I whirl around and gasp so sharply I'm surprised my lungs don't burst. Edward looks so perfect I can barely stand to look at him. And again, those pants, I must say I approve.

He smirks at my expression and walks forward to gently kiss my extremely exposed neck. "Have I mentioned yet how enticing you look?"

Alice quickly tugs me away from him as I my breathing rate nears the level of someone having an asthma attack. "Edward, she already forgets to breath in your presence and now she's wearing a corset. You've got to be a little more careful unless you want her to appear narcoleptic."

I look at Alice startled, I never thought of that before, "Alice that's brilliant. I can use that; it's much less humiliating than the truth."

Edward however rolls his eyes at me, "Oh yes, and how will you explain your conditional narcolepsy only happens near me?"

I wave a hand dismissively at him when Esme appears beside us, "Carlisle and Emmett are on their way down and Rose will be here soon after."

Everybody seems to understand what will be happening next but I stare around waiting for an explanation. Apparently they don't think it's necessary since nobody gives one.

I'm about to start complaining but Emmett's appearance pretty much throws me off any train of thought.

He darts his eyes around challenging anyone to say a word. The frock coat does fit him but it looks funnier on him than on anyone else.

His muscles are still visible underneath and the coat seems to be stretching to fit him. Carlisle steps from behind him, while smirking; to Esme's other side and I can't help but notice everyone manages to pull of this style in a much more distinguished manner than I.

Emmett grumbles under his breath about his pants then snorts as he looks at Edward, "Is this the kind of stuff you wore back in the day?"

Esme quickly intervenes to ward off an argument, "Come now don't be silly. Edward only wore dresses on _special_ occasions."

Edward exhales loudly and turns away from Emmett as he chuckles at his expense. He gauges my features carefully, "Now you're sure you're ready for this?"

As if I have a choice.

Plus there was no blue eye shadow so I have to be fair and put on my game face. "As ready as I'll ever be."

Right on cue soft music begins playing across the lawn and Rose emerges from the house.

Honestly I don't think it's even feasible for someone to look as beautiful as she does. The dress is surprisingly simple but it only serves to enhance her unearthly perfection.

She glides her way to stand beside Emmett and gives us all a dazzling smile.

He smiles down on her and looks back to us, "Let the twenty eighth wedding reception begin, who's up for some limbo?"

After Emmett claims he had been joking, for now, the rest of the reception gets on its way. I thought that after a while I would most likely start to get bored but I didn't. That's saying something for the company I'm with, they're an entertaining lot.

I can't help but stare up in disbelief at the sky, the sun has just set and I feel like we've only begun.

Perhaps the bathroom ambush affected me more than I realized.

As darkness falls on our festivities Emmett leaps to his feet with a wicked glint in his eyes. "My dear wife of many years, I know this reception in particular is very special for you because we are graced with the presence of Edward's one true love. It's about time; we all were beginning to question his sexuality."

Edward growls and I pat him on the shoulder in an appeasing gesture, "Don't worry, the first time I saw you I thought you exuded an aura of great manliness."

I'll just cut out the part where I compared his beauty to Rosalie's. He'll most likely take that as an insult considering Rose's features are quite feminine.

Emmett's rambunctious laughter echoes across the yard. "Aura of manliness, ah, right. Back to the point, I decided to do something a little extra for you Rose."

All eyes curiously watch as Emmett vanishes from sight then reappears, loaded down with a vast array of fireworks. I wince at the sight of them.

These aren't fun little sparklers like Charlie used to bring me from the hardware store. These things are the real deal, actual explosives that have the capability to light the town on fire.

Rose's expression is mingled between appreciation and fear at what might go wrong, "Emmett, it's really nice of you to put this much effort in but I don't know if this is such a good idea."

He answers her as he's sets up a launching pad, "Relax! It'll be fine, our own personal show."

Thankfully he sets up a smaller one first. I hold my breath as he brings the flame down; the fuse ignites and shoots up above our heads exploding into a spectacular demonstration of colors.

Everyone breathes a little easier seeing how Emmett didn't demolish anything, yet.

As he goes through all the minor rockets he has, I find myself relaxing instead of tensing every time one goes off.

Perhaps this should have tipped me off, when one begins to trust Emmett when he's got dynamite in his hands you know something bad is going to happen.

After inspecting his remaining pile he wiggles his eyebrows ominously, "Alright who's ready for the _real_ ones?"

Everything seems to go in slow motion as Emmett lines up a firecracker the size of a small animal. One minute everything is perfectly fine, it ignites and shoots up, the next minute we're not so lucky.

Apparently these "real" ones like to go where they want and not we're they're supposed to.

Unable to look away we all watch in fixated horror as the rocket collides with the four tiered wedding cake and ricochets into another course.

The only one quick enough to avoid being smattered with the cake is Rose who uses Emmett as a shield to stay clean. As for the rest of us, we don't fare as well as her.

I can see the stunned expressions on all their faces, not even Alice saw this coming. It happened so unexpectedly that from head to toe we're all covered in chocolate cake with crème frosting.

Tentatively I swipe a decorative iced flower off of Edward's cheek and sample it, "Hm, good cake."

Nobody utters a word and the phrase "calm before the storm" comes to mind. The murderous sparkle in everyone's eyes as they stare down Emmett makes me very relieved to not be him at the moment.

Alice breaks the silence by heaving a deep breath to begin her rant, "Emmett McCarty Cullen, do you realize how much time it took us to design that cake? Do you?"

I avert my gaze from Emmett's sheepish face feeling guilty that I'm really the inadvertent cause of this. It's when I do so that I notice the firecracker never actually fizzled out, it's still going strong.

Right on it's path to the Cullen's house.

A small squeak escapes and I try to get someone's attention, in any normal occasion this wouldn't be difficult, Edward is usually quite perceptive.

But at the current time everyone is engaged in telling Emmett off for ruining the cake.

"Four days Emmett! Four! Just to figure out the exact shade of violet we needed for the petals!"

"Specially ordered frock coats! Do you think they make them this size in the store?"

"Bella didn't even get to eat any!"

"Forget about that, what if it hit her?"

"My top hat smells vaguely like a bakery."

"This crème frosting makes it look like we're all graying."

All of this is being shouted simultaneously at a speed I shouldn't be able to comprehend but I've been around them long enough to get the gist of the conversation.

I tug on Edward's sleeve urgently to tell him about the impending doom upon the mansion. He doesn't even realize I'm trying to get his attention.

I start panicking as the rocket gets even closer to the roof, "Hello? Uh, there's a slight problem. Anyone? Would somebody listen to me?"

I consider pretending to faint to get their notice but the way things are going I'll just end up with a head ache and grass stains on my dress. Quickly I flit my eyes to where the rogue firecracker was last and wince as it combusts on the very top of the Cullen household.

The thunderous echo of the impact causes the Cullen's to finally acknowledge what I had been trying to warn them about. But the stick of dynamite isn't quite done yet, as its last act it lands at my feet and lights the hem of my dress as well.

It figures that Emmett got some sort of kamikaze fireworks.

I yelp and try to stamp the fire out but it's already spreading up to my calves.

Surprisingly it isn't Edward the Overprotective who quickly diminishes the fire, but Jasper who all out tackles me to the ground. Of course not so violently that I'm harmed but enough that it ignites the sleeve of his frock coat.

Once my dress is merely smoking he holds his arm up triumphantly watching the fire lick away at the material.

Carlisle tosses a handful of water from my dinner earlier at his wrist to put it out but Jasper still keeps smiling widely. "Hah Edward, look at that. Not only do I have food all over it but do you see this, it's definitely singed beyond repair."

Edward shoots him a sour glare and helps me to my feet carefully inspecting for any damage. I reassure him I'm alright and then recall something had been terribly wrong besides me becoming a human roast.

Esme's hysterical shriek of "Save my house!" reminds me what that problem was.

Instantly Emmett and Carlisle vanish from sight and when I look up at the roof I see them with a bucket of water. Emmett tries to blow out the fire but it's gotten to such a state that this only makes it worse.

Moaning into her hands Esme rocks back and forth staring fearfully at the house as the fire is spread by Emmett's aid.

Alice whistles shrilly commanding immediate attention as she gives out her orders, "Emmett, get off the roof and take Bella to Edward's room it's the furthest from the fire. Carlisle, Jasper and Edward can you handle this?"

They all nod in succession and she turns to inspect Esme hyperventilating, "Alright; Esme, Rose and I will go wait in Edward's room too then."

Emmett sullenly guides me to Edward's room and I take a last glance at the flaming rooftop. I throw myself onto the bed the minute I walk in not even caring about the cake and frosting that will undoubtedly be transferred to the comforter.

Emmett sinks down beside me and covers his face with his hands while sighing deeply. I roll onto my side and give him a half hug feeling kind of strange since I'm on a bed and hugging someone besides Edward.

Oh, no. I'm in a bed with Emmett. He was the last one. This means...gah!

Its official, I've been in bed with all the Cullen men.

I restrain myself from quickly jumping away from Emmett and slamming my head into something.

Rose perches on the edge of the bed and soothingly pats Emmett on the head, "It's not _that_ bad Emmett. You definitely made this a... er...memorable occasion. The effort is really what counts love."

Esme has finally stopped shuddering and gives him a reassuring smile, "Really Emmett, its fine. You'll be repairing the roof of course but there's no lasting damage."

At this point everyone looks pointedly to Alice who is sitting in the corner with her arms folded over her chest in defiance. Esme mouths something to her and Alice furiously shakes her head trying to look away from our disapproving gazes.

Emmett pulls himself up into a sitting position and watches her pathetically, "Alice, you're going to hate me forever aren't you?"

It's nice to see someone besides me getting guilt tripped into submission. Alice's eyes widen and she grumbles under her breath in irritation, "Oh fine. You're forgiven, I won't hold a grudge. I promise."

Emmett's depressed facade slips away immediately as he grins delightedly at us. Before anyone can notice, namely Jasper who's been keeping an eye on me with the bed situation, I slide off the bed and take a seat beside Alice.

The door opens again and the rest of the Cullen's who were designated as honorary fire fighters file into the room.

Jasper holds up his arm where the sleeve had been singed to show us the material which is now destroyed up to his elbow. His eyes shine gleefully, "I knocked over the water bucket and my entire sleeve caught on fire."

Rose's glare causes him to shrug unwillingly, "Whoops."

Edward sidles around him bitterly, quite upset that no lasting damage occurred to his attire.

After waiting an amount of time that wouldn't be considered obsessive Esme tries to nonchalantly ask about the condition of her house, "So did anyone notice you on the roof?"

Nobody's actually stated the fact that the house is no longer in danger but I think it has more to do with the fact that none of them would dare come and chat if the house was on fire.

Esme would hunt them down before they could even form an escape route.

Edward shakes his head at her while smirking; no doubt she's still as hysterical in thought as she was earlier in action. "No Esme, some people saw the smoke but it didn't get high enough to alarm them and the roof is perfectly fine, we already repaired it."

She takes this coolly enough and nods but I see her hands unclench in relief despite her attempt to hide them.

Emmett sighs loudly, again, "Maybe I should have shot off the fireworks after the presents just in case something happened."

Rose presses her lips into a firm line to stop the swift remark that she's, pardon the pun, dying to say. Alice swiftly cuts in, "Well it's a little late for that, we'll just have to think of some other place to open them."

My eyebrows furrow, what's wrong with the house? The roof was the only thing on fire, and even that's perfectly in tact now. "Why can't we just open them here?"

Alice turns to me in exasperation, "Don't you smell something Bella?"

Wrinkling my nose I do realize the house smells vaguely smoky, much worse than when Rose and I were cooking.

Which is quite odd really since there was a whole lot of smoke coming out of that oven; I suppose it's just amplified from coming through the ventilation.

She takes in account my expression, "Exactly, even _you_ can smell it. Meaning it's quite near suffocating for us, so where are we going?"

They throw around a few ideas, such as the hospital which Edward hurriedly rejects, "There is no way I am going back to the hospital for a celebration. I was tortured enough the first time."

After everyone looks at each other stymied as to where they can go I offer up the rather obvious choice of my house. Emmett's eyes light up, he's never actually formally been introduced to Charlie.

That would be my doing, I can only imagine what type of behavior he'll put on for the Police Chief.

No doubt it will be er...I don't even want to think about it. Esme delightedly leaps to her feet grabbing every single one of the presents as she rushes down the stairs.

In a flash she's standing with us again, "I think we should carpool. I wouldn't want to frighten Charlie with multiple cars in your driveway. Is he even home?"

I try to remember what he told me when I informed him about the wedding reception. All I can think about is how I was internally panicking and ignoring every word coming out of his mouth.

A little dash of focus would have been nice. I shrug ruefully, "I'm not sure what he's doing."

Rose slinks past me, "Let's get going then." I blink in confusion as the room clears out at a rapid speed and Edward mutters something under his breath as he tosses me over his shoulder and dashes for the car.

We come to a stand still at the car door and he repositions me in front of his body as if daring anyone to try and harm me. Everyone's glowering faces make me realize what the race had been for.

We still can't take out Emmett's Jeep so we're all piling into Carlisle's car.

It'll be a tight fit; well I guess a little family togetherness never hurt anyone.

Seconds later I find myself taking those careless words back. Family togetherness can hurt someone, I know, believe me I know.

Just try and imagine the comfort level of sitting in a seat meant for at the most three people and then shoving Emmett, Edward, Jasper, Rosalie and myself into that seat.

A rational person might claim that to be impossible but somehow we've managed.

Carlisle is driving and Esme is in the passenger seat with Alice between them. Her size is really what saved her from the horrors of the back seat, she's the only one that could fit in that spot and still allow enough room for Carlisle to drive the car safely.

In the back it's Rose perched on Emmett's lap as I am on Edward's but Emmett's sheer volume is the real problem.

I'm practically holding my breath the whole time unable to have even the space to move my lungs at the capacity I need. Jasper kindly provides us with a calm atmosphere otherwise this trip would be literally unbearable.

Carlisle is leagues above the speed limit, understanding how uncomfortable this seating arrangement is only when I, the lover of speed limits everywhere demand that he put the pedal to the metal.

The minute the car rolls to a stop Edward and Jasper who had been closest to the doors throw them open and tumble out. I shriek involuntarily as I topple off of Edward's lap but of course his arms are wrapped around me and I'm barely even jostled by it.

Once everyone is out of the car and not only Esme is carrying the presents do I look at the driveway. "Well Esme, I don't think we needed to worry about multiple cars."

The driveway is full of three strange cars that I'm positive are not there on a regular basis. Edward pauses a minute to listen to what's going on inside, "Poker night, Charlie's hosting."

I roll my eyes at the way everyone looks as if we're going to have to leave. "Wait just a second; I'll go talk to him. There's no reason we can't go in, we can all just go to my room."

Before anyone can attempt to stop me from "inconveniencing" Charlie I run up to the door and unlock it.

Every face at the table full of my father's friends turns to look at me upon my entrance. I see Charlie's face eye my dress coated in cake curiously, "You're home awfully early Bella, how was the reception?"

I avoid the unfamiliar eyes as I answer him, "It was great but well there was a slight incident and Rose and Emmett never got to open their presents. So basically I offered up the house but I forgot about your poker game."

When I pause I can hear a faint argument that gets vastly louder as Emmett is suddenly beside me.

He pulls me against his side, lifting me several feet off the floor and bows his head to Charlie. "Police Chief Swan, fellow friends of the Police Chief. I'm Emmett Cullen and I'm terribly sorry about intruding. This is entirely my fault, I caused an accident involving the cake and we never got to open the presents. I didn't want to ruin this for my wife but I'm sorry we'll just leave."

Charlie's face is priceless; I can recall his initial reaction when he thought I was dating Emmett and the way he's eyeing him up now.

But of course there is no fighting the Cullen charm, "Oh, it's no trouble at all. You can come right in, is everyone outside?"

I nod and motion at the door which was left ajar for them to come in even though they clearly had been listening to the conversation. Rose glides in first and stands beside Emmett apologetically.

"Hello Police Chief Swan, I don't believe we've ever been properly introduced, I'm Rosalie Cullen, formerly Hale."

The expression of awe is most obvious on my father's face and I can't help but cringe. How embarrassing is it that your father is looking at your soon to be sister in that way?

Charlie is still stuttering out his response when Alice dances into the room balancing her present lithely on one palm, "Charlie!" The grin adorning her face is blinding.

Charlie smiles back broadly, "Hello, Alice." Jasper comes in after Alice shaking his head at something then inclines his head and murmurs softly, "Chief Swan."

My dad nods to him in return and then Carlisle and Esme come in. I feel as if I'm watching a parade as everyone troops inside. Pleasantries are exchanged and Esme is introduced to Charlie, I realize this means Charlie has met all of the Cullen's face to face now.

I already mentioned earlier why I wanted to prolong Emmett's meeting but with Esme and Rose, the only other two who hadn't their paths just never crossed.

Whenever Rose was always picking me up she would barely allow me to close the car door forget coming inside to meet my father.

And Esme doesn't leave the house much. Not like a basement dweller but why should she go out for no reason if she doesn't need to?

Edward comes in last quietly closing the door and asking if he should lock it, always the polite one. He stands at a respectful distance from me and I watch all the men at the table as their eyes dart between Charlie and Edward waiting to see what's going to happen next.

Edward smiles politely, "Thank you again Chief Swan for allowing us to use your house."

Charlie only grunts and I motion Edward to the stair case, "You all can head up to my room, I'll be there in a second."

With every step Edward takes closer to the staircase I realize my mistake.

He's never actually officially been in my room when Charlie's around anyways. My father's face gets increasingly redder and I can only imagine the thoughts racing through his head.

Edward reaches the foot of the stairs then turns to me asking innocently, "Which one is your room Bella?"

My breath rushes out in relief as Charlie's face regains its normal color and I point in the direction of my room. Emmett looks like he's about to smirk and I really would rather avoid that conversation with Charlie.

I wave them all up and turn back to Charlie. It's bad enough with Renee but Charlie?

Not even Renee knew all the details concerning Edward staying in my room, every night, and she still managed to mortify me beyond belief.

I stumble forward and give my father a quick hug, "Thanks Dad." He pats me on the head and then I shoot up the stairs to my room.

Once I'm inside I close the door tightly and take in the scene occurring in my bedroom.

Emmett and Rosalie are sitting cross legged on my bed and the rest of the Cullen's are sprawled in the available floor space of my room. I smile at them and then weave my way to where Edward is sitting; he pulls me down into his lap.

After I'm properly situated Emmett's gaze sweeps the room sizing up our gifts, "Okay, who's first?"

Alice squeals and jumps up shoving her gift into Emmett's hands before anyone else. We all watch as Emmett unwraps the gift to reveal a new set of limbo.

Everyone except Emmett glares at her darkly but she only smiles happily, "We're all going to have so much fun."

Jasper offers his gift next, a new gaming system from Japan not even released here yet. Then Esme, a very pretty dress Rose had been mooning over a month ago. Carlisle's gift is a thick stack of racing games that I'm sure I'll be forced into playing some time soon.

As Edward hand's his up I realize he never told me what he was getting them. When I asked what I should do he told me anything would be fine. As seeing this occurs once every few years it apparently isn't too big of a deal.

Rose pulls the paper of Edward's present and then she starts laughing. Emmett peers over her shoulder and chuckles as well. She holds it up for us all to see the cover embossed in silver writing, 'Number Twenty Eight'. It's a photo album.

Suddenly everything makes a lot more sense, at the reception I had been forced to hold still and smile multiple times for no apparent reason.

I guess pictures were being taken though, most likely Carlisle. It definitely clears things up, Alice just starting singing 'Freeze Frame' every time I tried to ask what we were doing.

Finally I'm the last one and I timidly hand my present up to them, it took me a hell of a lot longer than I ever would have expected. I painted Popsicle sticks then glued them together and at the bottom wrote out in tiny beads 'Emmett and Rose'.

In the middle is a picture of the two of them, Emmett is clutching Rose to his chest and her legs are flailing in the air but they're both smiling merrily and it's quite a cute picture. I even put a little hook on the top so they can put it up on the wall.

Rose stares at it wordlessly for a moment and traces her fingers over the beads, Emmett grabs it from her and smiles softly.

Before I realize what's happening I'm wrenched from Edward's lap and Emmett is playfully ruffling my hair, "Thanks Bells."

Rose looks like she's about to cry, if that's possible and throws her arms around my neck pulling me into a hug. She whispers quietly into my ear, "It's beautiful Bella."

I flush at the praise then of course ruin the moment my yawning loudly.

Edward smiles lightly and gets to his feet, "You should shower and get to bed, you were up pretty early this morning."

Emmett nudges Jasper and Edward once he's on his feet, "At least we won't have to worry about having Bella in the back seat too."

Jasper meets my eyes and then quickly bites his cheek to stop himself.

But of course he can't let this go without at least a poke at Emmett, "Good point, that's a huge relief because it was Bella that was taking up a majority of the room in the first place. I'm glad she won't be _hogging_ up the back seat on the way back."

I snort at Emmett's glower, however I do think it's a good thing he's managed to pick up on the jibe at all.

Before I have time to get up and tell them goodbye Alice is on top of me hugging me tightly to herself. Whispering for only me to her she giggles into my ear, "I can't wait until you and Edward have a reception it'll be such fun."

I choke in surprise as I stare at her, "What?"

Keeping her voice at a level for only me to hear she continues, "I saw him propose silly. But don't worry I haven't told anyone, not even Jazz. I promised I wouldn't tell until you said yes, which you will by the way."

I relax instantly, if she hasn't told Jasper whom she tells absolutely everything even when he doesn't wish to hear it then she won't tell anyone.

Ugh, this proposal is haunting me every where I turn and to add to that now I have to worry about the terrors of the reception that will follow.

Alice pats me on the head and steps away from me, "By the way you little sneak, why haven't you told officially announced the news."

I'm seconds away from an aneurysm, entirely convinced Alice is about to spill the beans on the subject she just promised she wouldn't.

The expression on Edward's face alerts me that this is incorrect as he joins in enthusiastic laughter with Alice. She snorts in mirth as she continues, "Oh Bella, if I could just bring this up at school, imagine the look on Lauren Mallory's face as I go, 'Bella, tell me, how does it feel having been in bed with all the Cullen men?'"

This naturally sets everyone into uproarious laughter, at my expense once again. I have a feeling this is how I'm going to spending the rest of my eternity.

Charlie pokes his head into the room with an alarmed expression, "Is everything alright in here?"

I cross my arms over my chest and grumble under my breath so it's Emmett that answers him, "Of course, we're all perfectly fine. So thank you again Chief Swan for your hospitality and we'll be leaving now."

Rose picks up the presents and smiles at Charlie as she leaves the room shooting me a parting wink.

The Cullen's all trail out of my room until it's just Edward and I... and my father, lurking in the doorway.

After one quick glance at my father's expression, a pointed show of inattention I roll my eyes then flit them back up to Edward.

He lightly kisses me on the top of me head and murmurs for only me to hear, "I'll be back soon." Then he nods goodbye to my father and heads downstairs.

I sigh as Charlie inspects my clothing more carefully now, "Bells what happened to your dress?"

I contemplate for a moment and decide the truth isn't that bad, for the most part. "Er...Emmett had some fireworks and they hit the cake and it exploded everywhere."

My father frowns at me and huffs before leaving the doorway to continue his poker game, "Fine then, don't tell me."

I shake my head at his reaction, if only I was kidding. Stumbling into the bathroom I start to get ready for my shower and think about how crazy the day was.

But I can't really, all I can think about is how much fun it was and how at home I felt with them all.

There's only a slight sense of impending doom about a reception that will no doubt occur once Edward and I marry.

I'll have to warn the locals of the danger they may be subjected to from that festivity. I can only hope our cake will make it through. Only time will tell, I suppose but I'm ready for my time to last forever.

Not the cake though, if cake lasted forever that would be rather revolting.

* * *

A/N: I really hope you enjoyed this crazy story because I had a lot of fun writing it. Reviews would be nice if you'd like to give me some and er yes. Oh, and I've always wanted to do one of those collaboration stories you know? The emailing back and forth with the authors switching between chapters. If anyone would be possibly interested in doing one with me, I'm hoping some kind soul will offer out of pity, then let me know please. Ok, I'm done now, I promise. 


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